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When I was in high school, I was obsessed with getting revenge on the people who hurt me. I watched a lot of movies and TV and read a lot of books, okay? In those fictional worlds, the main characters always had some elaborate, fabulous revenge plan that usually worked out perfectly, making them look like a total badass… while their ex looked like a total loser. I wanted to look like a total badass too!

Unfortunately, revenge doesn’t always work that way in real life. Also, I’m the opposite of a total badass. I’m 5 feet tall and I’m still afraid of the dark. So when I attempted what I thought was a movie-worthy revenge plan, I ended up just looking, well… kind of pathetic.

When I was 14, I dumped my boyfriend because I had a crush on someone else and didn’t want to be tied down. Sometime in the month after we broke up, I decided that I hated my ex because he was acting like a total jerk to me. Which, I can now admit, I kind of deserved – I did get my BFF to dump him for me, after all. But in my 14-year-old brain, his nasty comments were totally unjustified and the only way to fix the situation was to get revenge. I finally had a legitimate reason to get back at someone, and I was excited.

I knew that my ex’s best friend had a little crush on me. I also knew that my ex had always been jealous of his BFF, and if I hooked up with him, it would drive my ex insane. When the thought of using his BFF as a way to get revenge first crossed my mind, I figured it would never actually happen… I was way too shy to approach his BFF, a dude we’ll call R, on my own.

But then the opportunity presented itself all on it’s own. One night, my BFF was over when R and his friend called to say they were coming over. We met them in my backyard and after a little while, R asked me to go on a walk with him. A few minutes into our “walk” (which lasted to the end of my driveway), R pulled me towards him and tried to make a move. At first, I got nervous and resisted. I knew that if my ex found out what I had done, he would be furious… and really, really hurt. The other issue? I honestly didn’t even think R was cute… at all. Why was I going to kiss him just to teach my ex a lesson?

Not worth it! | Source: ShutterStock.com

A minute later, all of those more logical thoughts flew out the window, and I let R kiss me. All we did was make out for a few minutes in my driveway, but when it was all over, I felt exhilarated, nervous… and mainly really, really guilty. Suddenly, the thought of my ex’s face when he found out what we had done crossed my mind – and I felt a little sick. I made R swear not to tell anyone and he promised he wouldn’t, claiming he didn’t want my ex to find out anymore than I did.

Unfortunately, 14-year-old boys don’t always keep their promises. By the next afternoon, I had several hate emails in my inbox – a few from my ex, one from his girl BFF threatening me, one from R’s ex threatening me, and one from one of my friends who apparently had a crush on R, asking me what my problem was. I had the overwhelming urge to turn back time and erase my kiss with R. For one thing, it wasn’t even good – thinking about it grossed me out. For another thing, I felt awful. This wasn’t the kind of girl I was! I didn’t hurt people purposely. I was disgusted with myself. 

A few months later, my ex and I ended up getting back together. And while things ended up okay, he never let me forget about my kiss with R. He brought it up in every fight we had, and never failed to let me know that it had entirely changed the way he looked at me.

Looking back, that kiss might be one of the only things I regret doing in my life. It might not seem like a big deal to some people, but for me, it was. My reputation of being a super sweet girl who wouldn’t hurt a fly was sort of destroyed – everyone knew I had only kissed R to piss off my ex. And I felt super guilty for a long time. While this might sound corny, I know realize that the best revenge is moving on and showing your ex (or whoever) that you’re better off without them. Kissing my ex’s BFF only made it seem like I was looking for attention. So not worth it. 

Have you ever gotten revenge on anyone? Have you ever hooked up with someone just to make someone else mad? Would you ever do it? Do you think I was mean for what I did to my ex? Tell me in the comments.

5 reasons to not get revenge on your ex

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It sucked all the way around. | Source: Shutterstock

Most tellingly, I didn’t miss him. I had been away with my parents for two weeks at the end of August and all I felt was relief. I was ready.

It was a Sunday night. He signed off saying he loved me. I said, “If only that were true.” He said, “Let me call you back.” He did five minutes later and we had an adult conversation. We agreed to stay friends. We said we’d talk next Sunday. I went to bed.

The next day, I called a mutual high school friend and told her we’d broken up and then casually asked what I had wanted to. “So, did you guys ever hook up while we were a couple?”

They had.
At a party.
One I was at.

The call ended with, “Hey, you know who else you should try?” It was a daisy chain of turds. Each call leading to some heinous revelation of hook-ups never more than twenty feet from me. Even though I had only come home on weekends he seemed to pathologically need to do it in the closest proximity possible.

WHERE was he, again?! | Source: Shutterstock

Never. Again.

I cried for about four months straight. I cried to my new friends. I cried during naptime at my nanny job, and I cried so hard at work that one of my supervisors felt compelled to hug me. I was a wreck.

And then I started to remember. Not the intense love it seemed he had for me, but the panic attacks I would get at those parties. Always about something stupid.
I learned something. It has guided my life and it runs through our books. As a girl or a woman, you always know. Your gut knows. You can displace it onto hiring and firing nannies or in the case of Over You, just a lingering insecurity about everything and everyone. But you know.

I had a string of boyfriends after that who were flawed, but none ever cheated on me again. Because I learned to listen to myself, trust myself. And that is really the secret to everything.

 
Nicola’s new book, Over You, is out now! Get it! Read it! Love it!

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It. Was. The. Worst. | Source: Shutterstock

I didn’t.

And yet I did. In September he would fly to college and, even more final, his family was relocating. “It just makes more sense for us to end things now.” I’d never experienced a boy pulling away. Despite the sickening sense of foreboding in recent days, I hadn’t determined what his uneasiness portended.

I asked if he still loved me and he choked up and said he didn’t think he did. Wanting nothing more than to weave myself intractably around his tan wrist, I told him that if he left tonight he should never call again. He was satisfyingly tortured by this ultimatum and then he was gone.

I stood on (freshly-shaved) numb legs beside the steaming graduation meal I’d cooked. My mother and stepfather were away trying to save their marriage and I was—we were to be—un-chaperoned. As his minivan backed out on the gravel I went from being the girl he whispered he loved, to being alone.

It was like time didn’t matter anymore. | Source: Shutterstock

As we drove under the moon, my Dad said gently, “This is going to sound laughably impossible, but tomorrow there’ll be a tiny window where you won’t just feel better, you’ll feel euphoric because you’ll glimpse the fact that you’re going to live through this.”

Laughable was an understatement. I sat catatonic between my younger brothers watching The Little Mermaid. Staring at the VCR clock, my brain ticked through moments that’d never come again. When Stu would call. When we’d meet. When he’d kiss me.

I knew I’d laugh again. One day. | Source: Shutterstock

That miserable summer as my mother and I both nursed broken hearts, the window did get bigger, day by day, breath by breath. I would go onto write this reminder—this compassionate design of the brain—into my latest book, Over You. In fact, all my books would culminate in the heroine’s first moment of realizing she’d survive what we’d put her through and be happier for it.
 
 
Emma’s new book, Over You, is out now! Get it! Read it! Love it!

Here’s Some Silly Advice To Make You Laugh!

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I go on a lot of family vacations – ski trips during the winter, week-long beach getaways in the summer, pumpkin picking upstate in the fall (what can I say, we’re kind of corny). So it was only inevitable that I would one day bring a boyfriend on vacay with my big, messy, disorganized family. And that day just happened to occur a lot sooner than I thought it would – when I was 16-years-old.

I had been dating my boyfriend, D, for over a year when the time came for my fam to start planning our annual skip trip. Even though I was looking forward to it, the idea of spending a full week away from D made me cry (literally – I’m a huge crier). I begged and begged my parents, and finally, after weeks of pleading, bribing and sobbing, I got my way: I could invite D to come with us!

The thought of being able to spend an entire week with my boyfriend was SUPER exciting. I couldn’t wait to spend every minute with him and have him get closer to my beloved family. I didn’t once stop to consider the potentially awkward moments that this could bring: where would he sleep? How could we possibly hook up while my parents were always around? What would happen if we got in a fight? We had never spent seven straight days together – what if we got sick of each other?

It wasn’t until I got there that I thought of all these things. And, um, yeah… it was pretty awkward.

My parents obviously wouldn’t let D and I sleep in the same bed, so instead, they blew up an air mattress and forced my little brother to sleep in the living room with him (I think my brother was supposed to babysit us just in case I wanted to sneak out of my bedroom in the middle of the night). When I woke up the first morning, in my glasses, old pajamas and crazy-looking bedhead, I practically had a panic attack wondering how to make it from my bed to the bathroom without D spotting me.

Hooking up proved to be super difficult – my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles seemed to be watching our every move. My cousins and siblings didn’t go to sleep until well past midnight, and I’m pretty sure my parents got zero sleep since they spent the majority of their night checking on us.

As expected, D and I got in a few small fights, and those were the worst. Try getting into an argument with your boyfriend while on a ski lift, only to angrily get to the bottom of the mountain and then take a 45-minute drive with him and your whole family stuck in one little car. Or try pretending not to cry in front of your grandma while your BF furiously texts you from across a hotel room. It sucks. Trust me.

By the end of the week, the seemingly impossible had happened: I was kind of getting a little sick of my BF. For me, family vacations had always meant sleeping late, joking around with my cousins, reading a new book and just generally relaxing. Now, I had this dude with me who kind of demanded all my attention. I had to compromise my vacation time, and honestly? I was kind of bummed about it.

I feel like I learned a lot from that vacation. I realized that sometimes it’s a good thing to spend a few days away from your boyfriend. I also realized that while I love bringing friends and/or boyfriends away with my family and me, I also love having vacay alone time – and quality time with my fam.

Have you ever brought a boyfriend/girlfriend on a family vacation? What was it like? Would you ever do it? Tell me in the comments!

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]]> http://www.gurl.com/2012/08/11/vacation-with-boyfriend/feed/ 4 http://www.gurl.com/2012/07/12/my-first-time-regret-virginity/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=my-first-time-regret-virginity http://www.gurl.com/2012/07/12/my-first-time-regret-virginity/#comments Thu, 12 Jul 2012 16:20:17 +0000 Jessica Sager http://www.gurl.com/?p=72385 Read More]]>

If you don’t want to say, “My first time was terrible,” then be sure you’re totally ready before you lose your virginity. | Source

Ask a most girls about losing their virginity and most of them will say something like, “My first time was awkward.” “My first time hurt a little.” “My first time was sort of weird.” “My first time was okay.” But apparently one third of girls, whether they admit it or not, will think to themselves, “My first time was a nightmare.”

A new study says that one in three girls under 16 actually regret losing her virginity. Sometimes it’s because of how it happened–one girl said her first time was on a bathroom floor (yikes!) with a guy who wound up blowing her off right after she lost her virginity to him. Other girls regret their first time because of why they lost their virginity: a lot of the girls surveyed revealed that their friends had sex, so they felt pressured to fit in with them.

Some experts in the study explained why losing your virginity before you’re really ready is a bad idea. “It’s a psychological disaster waiting to happen,” one psychologist said. “It leads to empty relationships and low self-worth. The experience creates worry, regret, self-recrimination, guilt, loss of self-respect, shaken trust, depression, stunted personal development, damaged relationships and relationship skills. It can also have a negative impact on marriage, should one ever take place.” That’s bad news bears, girls–but that’s not even all of it. Stats show that if you have sex too soon, you may be up to three times more likely to be depressed than someone who waited until she was truly ready.

A few of the girls in the study hinted that losing their virginity too early made them promiscuous later on, but honestly, that’s neither here nor there. We actually sorta dislike this portion of the original article and research, because, deliberately or not, it implies that there’s slut shaming going on, and that’s never cool. Think about it: If you’re having sex for the right reasons–you’re with someone you trust, you both are consenting and within a legal age range, and you’re both enjoying it safely and responsibly–there’s nothing wrong with it whatsoever. No matter HOW many times you have sex or how many people you sleep with!

Let’s face it: Few girls get together with their pals and gush, “My first time was magical! My first time was like the movies!” But losing your virginity should never feel like an obligation, a chore, or something to get over with.

That said, there’s no one way to tell whether or not you’re ready to lose your virginity, and there’s no set age for it, either (but make sure you’re not breaking any laws!). But the easiest way to tell if you’re ready? When you stop questioning and doubting it. If  you’re thinking of losing your virginity but there’s a nagging voice in your head saying not to, or if you feel more nervous than excited–then you’re not ready. Losing your virginity shouldn’t also mean losing yourself.

While you may not tell your friends, “My first time was amazing!” you surely don’t want to tell them, “My first time was a mistake.”

Do you feel pressured by your friends to lose your virginity? What was your first time like? Do you regret your first time? Do you wish you’d waited to lose your virginity? Tell us in the comments!

This Girl Feels Weird About Being A Virgin. Should She?

That poor girl! | ShutterStock.com

One day at school I really had to go to the bathroom. No like, I REALLY did. I ran out of the girl’s line in the hallway and into the bathroom like Speedy Gonzales.

As I ran, I undid my belt buckle, I unbuttoned my shorts, I unzipped my pants–I was about to BLOW.

I burst into the first bathroom stall, pulled my shorts down, and sat on the toilet seat. I thought, this seat feels soft and warm. I turned my head around and–AH! There was a person there. I was sitting on some poor girl’s lap. Yeah, I may have peed a little.

I recollected myself, got up at lightening speed, and went into an empty stall. Until this day I can vividly recall the stunned eyes of my victim, gazing up at me in awe, probably thinking something like, “What kind of freak would do this sort of thing?”

And that, my friends, is how you realize you’re not invincible.

What was your most embarrassing moment in school? Don’t be shy! (We won’t tell.) Let us know in the comments!

What can I say, breaking up is tough! | Source: ShutterStock

Breaking up with someone is a pretty personal thing. It should be done in person, while looking the other person in the face and explaining the truth to them. It shouldn’t be done online, over the phone, through text messages or via Facebook relationship statuses. But the most major no-no of all is definitely having someone else do it for you. I wish someone had explained this to my 14-year-old self, but no one ever did (or maybe I just didn’t want to listen), because the first time I dumped someone, I totally messed up. Here’s my story:

I met my very first boyfriend ever, let’s call him D, when I was a freshmen in high school. After months of flirting online during all hours of the night, D and I finally got together. And by that, I mean D finally took the plunge and asked me to be his girlfriend – over AOL Instant Messenger, of course. I know, super romantic, right?

After years spent putting my Catholic school education to good use and praying for a boyfriend every night (I literally cringe thinking about that), I was ecstatic to finally be someone’s girlfriend. It wasn’t even about hanging out with him, hooking up or having someone to lean on. Nah, it was more about decorating my AIM profile with “our date” surrounded by little hearts and stars, and getting to casually throw in “My boyfriend said…” when talking to anyone in the universe. Thinking back, maybe I wasn’t really ready for a relationship.

It might be scary, but it’s best to do it yourself. | Source: ShutterStock

Anyway, D and I were as smitten with each other as two very young, immature people can be. We dated for a month, but during that time, I think we only hung out once. We spent most of our time talking and flirting on (you guessed it) AIM and sometimes on the phone. Obviously, we said “I love you”, even though neither of us really understood those words. But we didn’t hang out with the same group of people, we had opposite schedules and we really had nothing in common except for the fact that we went to the same school.

Around the time of our one-month anniversary, I started getting bored. Yeah, calling D my BF and getting to put up cutesy away messages was cool and all, but I barely saw the guy. When I went to parties with my friends, I noticed cute dudes all around me. How was I supposed to flirt with them when I was supposed to be in love with someone else? It didn’t take long to realize that I was so over D.

The next week at school, I confessed my feelings to my best friend. I told her I wanted to end things, but I was scared.

“OMG. Let me do it! I can do it for you. It’ll be so much easier,” she said, way too excited by this idea.

At first, I told her no. But then I thought about IMing D later to tell him I didn’t want to see him anymore. I thought about the awkwardness of that convo. Did I really want to do that? Nah, not really. So, I let my BFF do my dirty work.

Right before the school day ended, she found D at his locker. She poked him on the back. “Jessica doesn’t want to go out with you anymore,” she said.

“Why?” he asked, totally confused.

Yeah… not exactly my reaction. | Source: ShutterStock

“I don’t know. She just doesn’t. So I’m breaking up with you for her.”

And that was the end of that – D and I were officially over. I stayed off AIM for a few days and ignored his angry looks in the hallway. By the end of the week, everyone in school knew my BFF had dumped him for me… and everyone teased me about it. Plus, D kind of hated me forever.

I know it was a really long time ago, but I still feel kind of guilty about it to this day. Okay, yeah, my friends and I laugh about it constantly, but still… that is definitely not the way to end things with anybody. Take it from me: man up and do it yourself.

Have you ever broken up with someone? How did you do it? What was your first breakup like? Tell us in the comments!

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I could have kissed him forever . . . | Source: Shutterstock

We’d been hanging out as friends for a while, but one day after school he told me he had to talk to me. Alone. He drove me home and came over. My parents weren’t home and we went to my room to talk. I sat on the bed. It’s just where I hung out with friends, but suddenly it felt incredibly intimate.

He was nervous–he stood and paced for like a minute without saying anything. My heart was pounding in my chest and after a minute, he just did it: He asked me to be his girlfriend. I was kind of crazy surprised so I didn’t answer right away. Then he kind of freaked and said, “Just say no so I can go home.” (Really! He actually said that! I wrote it in my diary.)

I remember standing up to make him stay. And then I said yes. Before we even kissed! It felt like there was so much pressure on that kiss, but he didn’t hesitate after that. He leaned down (he’s tall–like 6’3″) and his lips on mine felt like–well, they felt exactly the way an awesome kiss is supposed to feel. It wasn’t like the hasty “mwah” at the junior high dance, or the summer camp smooch that really was more tongue than lip. Ew.

It was magical. I’m still not quite sure how to narrate it. I would not have been surprised if cheesy heart-shaped fireworks started going off outside my window like in a bad romcom.

I think I fell in love with love that day. Maybe that’s why I’ve been writing about it ever since. My latest novel, Unbreak My Heart, has lots of kisses. Some light, some passionate, some dreamt up, some forbidden. I will never ever get tired of kissing scenes!

When was your first kiss? Are you still waiting for the right person to come along? What’s your favorite movie kiss? Tell me everything in the comments!

Melissa Walker is the author of Unbreak My Heart.

Check Out This Super Cute First Kiss Story–TOO ADORABLE!

Game face ON! | ShutterStock.com

I didn’t hangout with Jacob. I didn’t really know him at all. Why was he dancing so close to me? When I say close I mean as close you can possibly be without touching someone. He was so icky close I could feel his body heat. Bleh. Why was he dancing at all?

“Stop it,” I said. He danced. “Seriously, stop it, Jacob.” He danced. I brushed him off. He danced. “You really need to stop it!” I shouted. He danced.

I never knew what the term “seeing red” meant until puberty. I was so blood-boiling angry that I practically blacked out for a second. My open palm collided with his boy-cheek and made the loudest SLAP! that echoed throughout the entire gym. Mid-basketball game, mid-jump rope, mid-volleyball–the whole class of 90 kids froze and looked over at us.

Puberty. Yikes. | ShutterStock.com

I apologized halfheartedly because I still thought what he had done was a violation of my personal space. He said, “OK. Whatever.” A few minutes later while I was off playing jump rope with my friends, a basketball that felt like it was launched out of a cannon ball hit me on the back of the head so hard It felt like my eyes were going to fly out of their sockets.

It wasn’t Jacob, it was his BFF Alistair. He waved smugly from across the gym. I threw the ball back. You win some. You lose some. Violence is not the answer, ladies.

Have you ever slapped anyone? Let us know in the comments!

OMG. The fire alarm?! | Source: Shutterstock

I’d done a large variety of sexy time stuff, just not actual penis-and-vagina intercourse, by the time I was 22–so you’d think that Doing The Deed would be totally no big deal, only…it was. I was convinced that if I so much as slightly regretted my first time, I’d hate sex forever. So, I debated, worried, doubted, and put off my first time at sex, because I wanted to feel 100 percent convinced that I’d feel safe and happy when it finally happened (a decision I don’t regret). It wasn’t until after I’d broken up with a boyfriend that I realized he was the onewho would have been perfect for the job. I told him this, and he replied, “Too bad, too late now.”

A couple days later he called and said if I still felt that way, he could, you know, maybe help out. What can I say, I have good friends. I laughed and thanked him for the offer.

And then a week later, he came over. I was making dinner and put some homemade soup on the stove, but then we went in my room and got…distracted. I decided it was time to finally have penis-vagina sex. My friend asked me if I was sure a bunch of times, I said I was, and it was game on.

Both of us generally thought sex and genitals were funny, but this was a whole different level. I was uncomfortable. We put a pillow under my hips. We had to change positions, my buddy lost his erection. We sat and tried coaxing his penis back up. He regained his erection, so we had to change the condom and try all over again. And then?

It could have looked like this! | Source: Shutterstock

THE SMOKE ALARM WENT OFF IN THE KITCHEN. I uttered a few swear words and said we needed to go check it immediately. “Now?” asked my partner. The kitchen might be on fire, of course NOW!!! We ran naked out of my bedroom, where the kitchen was now smoky and smelled awful. I got lucky in that there wasn’t actually a fire, but there was a thick layer of blackened peas now permanently affixed to the bottom of my favorite pot and a bunch of gross-smelling smoke. We opened the windows and turned on the fans, and the alarm stopped. Dinner’s wrecked, so nothing to do now except go back to sex, right?

More coaxing an erection back to life, me being in pain, mood totally lost, apartment smelled terrible (and for the next few days, too). We gave up, got dressed…and picked up pizza. Hey, we still needed dinner, right?

I promise you I have been very attentive when cooking soup ever since.

Are you nervous about your first time at sex? Was your first time as crazy as mine? Tell me all about it in the comments!

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