After we wrote up a piece about a new study that said it’s not likely that “just friends” can be a thing, I really enjoyed reading your responses as some disagreed with what we wrote and some of you shared your own feelings and experiences. Thinking about our friends who become our crushes or who get a crush on us is still something that many of us will go through at one point or another, so for this week’s comments, I wanted to highlight what you guys were thinking about platonic relationships!

All from Can And Men And Women Ever Be Just Friends? New Research Says Nope.

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Do you have an opinion on the “Can guys and girls be friends?” debate? Have you ever dealt with having a crush on one of your guy friends? What about one of your guy friends having a crush on you? How did you handle it? Tell us in the comments!

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Girls fight. There’s no way to avoid it, really. It comes down to human nature and that you’re not going to get along with everyone. But when you get into a tiff with your friends, how do you handle it?

Some women have been turning to friendship counseling and have ended up spending thousands of dollars. Two women spent three thousand dollars to mend their strained relationship. Three thousand dollars! That’s a bit excessive, right?

The idea of friendship counseling seems pretty solid to me, actually. There’s relationship counseling and family counseling. So, why not for friendships too? But I think there are a lot of steps to take with a friendship before getting to that point of counseling.

Over the years, I’ve lost friends for one reason or another. And to tell you the truth, I can’t name a single one of them that I’d go to a friend counselor with. Sometimes people grow apart, and that’s totally okay. And sometimes if there is a toxic person in your life, you might need to let them go.

I have a lot of girlfriends that are scared of confrontation, even now as adults. It’s actually a really big issue that I’m seeing among girls these days. We’re so afraid of someone being unhappy or mad at us that we don’t take the time to address small issues before they blow up. And then when it does blow up it takes forever to fix. I find myself caught in the middle of issues between friends, so I guess I’m a friendship counselor in a way. Maybe I should start charging.

Before you start looking up friendship counselors with your bestie, let’s talk about some ways that you can handle confrontation so you’re not out three thousand dollars.

1. Communication: This is probably the biggest factor in any relationship. We’re not mind readers! Sure, we may have some freaky telepathic moments with our best friends, but that’s not the norm. You need an open line of communication. If something upset you, speak up. If you’re mad that your friend flaked on you for the umpteenth time, tell her. You might think she should know you well enough to pick up on your cues, but she really might be unaware.

2. Honesty: Another huge relationship cornerstone. Anything you lie about is going to come back and bite you in the butt. Maybe you don’t want to meet your friend for lunch, but just be upfront. If you’re not okay with something your friend is doing, don’t lie about it. If you’re honest in your friendship, you’ll avoid a lot of issues.

3. Watch your tongue: Girls can be sassy. There are times when it’s right to be snarky, and you might feel warranted in snapping at one of your friends because she’s been on your nerves. But that’s not going to get you anywhere. Instead your friend might feel attacked, and she’ll get mad and it’ll be a big thing. Try to avoid snide comments as a general rule anyway.

4. Don’t be passive aggressive: This is the worst! Don’t post Facebook messages or tweet about “someone” who did “something” because that person will more than likely figure it out. Don’t send passive aggressive texts in an attempt to tell your friend that you’re upset. Just tell her.

5. Confront the person involved: If you’re in a situation with your friend whether you’re feeling neglected or taken advantage of or any kind of issue, confront that friend. Don’t go to your other girls and talk about the issue behind her back. You certainly wouldn’t want them to do that to you. Hash it out and figure out how to move forward instead of having to say, “I think we should go to friendship counseling.”

Really all of this comes down to talking to each other. If you’re at a counselor’s office, they’ll make you do that anyway so you might as well do that for free. Try to deal with the issues together. If your friendship has really become toxic, then take a friend-break for a while before googling therapists.

How do you deal with girl fights? Would you consider friendship counseling? Tell us in the comments!

How to end a toxic relationship

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So when I met my current boyfriend, I made a promise to myself that I would never be like her or any of the other girls out there who chose their BF over their BFFs. But after a few months spent juggling time with my boyfriend, my friends, my family, my job and my me time, I kind of started to empathize with my old friend: making your buddies a priority when you’re in a serious relationship can be harder than you think.

When you start a new relationship, it’s natural to feel an urge to spend all of your time with your boyfriend. It’s normal to start spending less time with your buddies and more time with your BF – your priorities shift. It happens. But still – it sucks. So here are 10 reasons you absolutely need to make time for your friends, no matter how much cuddle time you want with your guy. Trust me, you’ll appreciate this one day.

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Your BF Shouldn't Be The Center Of Your World

I know your boyfriend is awesome and you're really into him. And there's nothing wrong with giving him a little extra attention. But your BF should never be the only important thing in your life - that's not good for your relationship. Both of you should have other friends and spend time apart once in a while. It's healthy and will help keep things interesting. Plus, if you only rely on him to be your everything, what will you do if things end?

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You Need A Support System

Speaking of breaking up... what if you and your man do end things? Crawling back to your friends for support after you've spent the last few months or years blowing them off is kind of a crappy thing to do. Some of your buddies may not be willing to forgive you, and those who do are still going to feel a little taken advantage of. Even if you guys don't break up, you need your girls so you can vent if you and your BF get into a fight. That's what friends are for!

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Girl Time Is Super Important

You can eat an entire carton of ice cream and a bag of chips with your girls, but you can't really do that with your boyfriend. I mean, you can, whatever, but isn't it more fun to pig out with your friends while gossiping about your celebrity crush? It totally is. Girl time is fun and no one should be missing out on it.

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You Don't Want To Deal With FOMO

What happens when you ditch your friends for your boyfriend and they start hanging out without you? FOMO happens, that's what. In case you didn't know, experiencing the Fear Of Missing Out isn't fun - it's lonely. I'm not saying you have to be with your BFF's every day, but making time for them at least once or twice a week is a must.

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You Don't Want To Hurt Your Friends

The last thing you want to do is be the source of your friends' pain. When you blow off your buddies for a guy, it hurts their feelings, and it may even end up being something they can't get over. Treating your friends badly is only going to make you feel bad in the end.

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You Want Your BFF's To Like Your BF... Right?

I'm assuming you want your friends to be friends with your boyfriend, or at least give him their seal of approval. But guess what? If you keep ditching them for him, they're automatically going to hate him for taking their friend away. And that's not really fair to anyone.

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Who Else Can You Watch Pretty Little Liars With?

Like I said before, girl time is important. There are just some things you can't do with your boyfriend - like watching the winter premiere of Pretty Little Liars. Don't force him to sit through something he doesn't like. Some rituals are best performed with friends.

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Your Friends Need You, Too

Your friends need your support as much as you need theirs. If one of your girls calls you because she needs to vent or get advice, don't leave her hanging. Being a good friend is a really great quality to have - don't let a guy take that away from you.

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Do you have trouble making time for your friends and boyfriend? Have you ever had a friend who ditched you for her relationship? Tell me in the comments.

7 ways to get out of a toxic relationship

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Maintaining a legit friendship with any ex- is tricky stuff – usually because both parties are rarely on the same page.

In my very first post for Gurl.com over a year ago, I granted that if a guy has truly moved on from an ex, he certainly might pursue a friendship with her. This can be very common when the guy is the one initiating the break up, and if you want to remain friends (and think you can move on), there’s no reason why you guys shouldn’t become pals. However, if you’re the one doing the dumping, and you suspect he still has feelings for you, be careful – he might be settling for a friendship out of desperation. Or, he might even have sneakier motives, hoping to eventually re-open the possibility of romance in the near future.

Now, on the opposite end of the spectrum, there are also guys who play the friendship card as an easy way to let a girl down. Girls do this, too. More often than not, younger guys head this direction with the noblest of intentions, assuming that a post-romantic relationship is a preferred possibility (any experienced guy knows that it’s usually not either of these things). But only the jerkiest of jerks will string along a girl under the guise of “friendship” as a means to continue hooking up with her. If it does happen (and unfortunately, it does), feel free to notify your school paper of this dishonest behavior – such creepdom should be broadcast to the entire student body.

Of course, once in awhile, two people will date and realize simultaneously that they’re both better off as platonic buddies, which is certainly ideal. But for the most part, because of all the potential variables and conditions involved with both partners’ feelings, maintaining a friendship with an ex is seldom ever that easy. If you’re determined to make one work, be prepared for some honest, open talks that might take you both into very sensitive territory. It’s not impossible, but it requires patience, maturity, and often, an ability to read between the lines of others’ emotions.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

How do you stay friends with a guy who likes you?

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Ashley Tisdale Selena Gomez Justin Bieber girls night

Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber used to spend a ton of time together before they split. A lot of times when you’re single or fresh from a breakup, you have a lot of time on your hands that you may not know what to do with.

Thankfully, Selena’s stopped sulking at Hooter’s (girl, the wings aren’t worth the sexism–we’d sulk too!) and had a better idea: Hanging out with her girls. Sel’s been leaning on her BFF Ashley Tisdale now that she’s flying solo in the dating scene, and you know what? We bet she’s having a lot more fun. Here are our favorite reasons why a girls’ night can totally be more fun than a date–even if there’s no makeout sesh at the end!

1. Speaking of making out: You don’t have to deal with a bad kisser!
Bad breath? Attacking your tonsils? Awkwardly bumping noses or teeth? Smearing your lip gloss on his face? Getting too handsy? You don’t need to worry about any of that nonsense when it’s you and your pals.

2. You can dress for you.
You may be nervous to try red lipstick because some guys say that they don’t dig it, or feel like showing more frills than cleavage. You might want to wear heels without towering over a short dude. With your girlfriends, that stuff doesn’t matter. Heck, they’ll help you primp and take pics of how hot you are–and they won’t give you dirty looks if a guy checks you out!

3. You don’t have to be self-conscious.
When you’re on a date, you may be freaked out by how much you like a guy or just so focused on impressing him that you don’t act like your total awesome self. With your girls, you won’t feel pressured to laugh at a crappy joke (probably because they know how to really make you laugh!) or hold back when you want to talk about something serious or dramatic. You can also dance! That’s what they’re there for.

4. You can do girly things without a grumpy guy checking his watch.
Most guys don’t like trips to the mall, One Direction concerts, or watching chick flicks or ballet, and they might give you crap for it when you want to do those things. Your girls will, at worst, argue over who gets to pick the music in the car on the way there.

5. They’ll be there long after you forget this guy’s name anyway.
Love is awesome, but it comes in a lot of forms. The crush you have today may completely change tomorrow, but the love you have for your girlfriends and vice versa is a lasting bond that can weather almost anything. Take care of them, and let them take care of you!

Do you have girls’ night regularly with your friends? Do you rely more on your pals after a breakup? What’s your favorite girls’ night memory? Tell us in the comments!

Selena Gomez even makes awesome music videos during her girls’ nights!

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What’s the one thing that may hurt just as much as a relationship ending? A best friend breakup. Unfortunately, I know this because I recently lost my best friend. And to put it bluntly, it sucked.

A few years ago, I got really close with a girl I’ll call K. K and I worked together and so we were with each other constantly. It wasn’t long before we were both basically obsessed with each other, the way you can only be obsessed with a brand new best friend who totally gets you and finishes your sentences. We had a ton of stuff in common and spent our long, boring hours at work bonding over boys we thought we were cute, clothes we wanted to buy and people at work we mutually hated. It didn’t take long for us to start hanging out outside of work.

I thought K was awesome, but she didn’t seem to have many other friends besides me. Besides the fact that she told me she didn’t have many friends, she wasn’t too popular at our job. Everyone we worked with regularly called her a bitch and asked me how I could hang out with her so much. I didn’t really pay attention to it – I got along with K and didn’t care what other people thought about her. But sometimes things did get a little weird.

K seemed to have an endless amount of time to hang out with me. I guess the best way to describe her was needy – it was like she expected me to hang out with her during every minute of my free time. When we weren’t together, she was texting me constantly. She usually called me at night to gossip before bed and whenever I made plans with my other friends, she got obviously annoyed, although she never said anything. The thing was, even though K didn’t have many other people to hang out with, I did. I tried to include her in my group when I could, but I wasn’t about to make my life all about her the way she was doing with me.

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When we weren’t working or talking about our mutual love of Ryan Gosling or The Little Mermaid, K and I spent most of our time talking about guys. K was desperate for a boyfriend and constantly moaned about how much she wanted to meet a nice guy. We spent way too much time trading dating and flirting horror stories and discussing how we would probably be single forever but it was fine because all guys sucked anyway.

And then one day, I met a guy and we started dating not too long after. At first, K was super supportive. She asked me for all the details of our hangouts, got excited for me at all the right moments of my stories and never stopped telling me how lucky I was. Around the same time I got a BF, I also got a full-time job at another company. I started juggling my time between my boyfriend, my job, my other friends and K… and naturally, I couldn’t spend as much time with K as I had in the past.

I’ll admit, there were a few nights when I had to cancel plans with K for various reasons, and it definitely became harder for us to hang out as much as we used to. I could tell K was getting mad – she stopped calling all the time, started getting silent whenever I brought up my BF and acted weird when I asked her to hang out. I tried as hard as I could to make time for K, and there was never a time when I ditched her for my boyfriend. I even brought her to hang out with us when we went to parties. But it didn’t seem to matter. She started distancing herself from me more and more and I couldn’t understand why.

After we went a full two weeks without speaking for no particular reason whatsoever, I texted her to ask her what was going on. She responded to tell me that she felt like I was constantly blowing her off to be with my BF. I was seriously so confused – I hung out with my BF once, maybe twice, a week. I had made every attempt to call her, make plans with her and text her. She was the one constantly blowing me off!

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But since she was one of my BFF’s and I didn’t want to lose her, I swallowed my pride, apologized and said I hadn’t realized. At first, things were cool. We started hanging out and talking again. But after a few weeks, she went right back to what she had been doing before.

Finally, I stopped making an effort to see her. I was sick of being the only one trying to keep our friendship alive. I would text her and not get a response for hours. I would call her, but she would be busy with her new friend, a girl who was obviously replacing me. Another super immature thing? She started tweeting cryptic messages about girls who abandon their friends for their boyfriends… and they were obviously about me. At some point, I realized that K was jealous that I was in a relationship and she wasn’t. Since I wasn’t about to break up with my boyfriend to be her friend, I felt like there was nothing I could do.

In the end, our friendship just kind of ended without a word from either of us. She stopped calling me and I stopped calling her. She kept on tweeting about me and I kept ignoring it. Eventually, she deleted me off Facebook, and I knew that I had officially lost my best friend. I was angry that she had done this just because she was jealous – but I was more upset that I had lost her as my friend. Despite the fact that she could be clingy, K was my BFF. She understood me in a way a lot of other people didn’t and we had had a ton of fun together.

I still really miss K, but I have no idea how to handle things. Our friendship ended so awkwardly that I feel like there’s no salvaging things. We haven’t spoken in almost a year, but I still miss our long life talks and silly movie nights. Even though I have other BFF’s and I still have my boyfriend, I still would have loved to stay friends with K. Sometimes I consider texting her and saying hi, trying to resolve things… but other times I think about all the mean things she said about me online and how she just blew me off, and I feel like we’re better off not being in each other’s lives. So I want to know: what would you do if you were in my position?

Have you ever lost a BFF? Have you ever been in this situation? Would you try to be friends with K again if you were me? Tell me in the comments!

How do you deal when your friends are leaving you out?

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It stinks to be in this situation. I hear from a lot of girls who are worried about their boyfriend’s best girl friends, and while I can understand why they’re feeling stressed about it, I can also understand it from your point of view. If you really don’t want to lose this guy as your BFF, there are a few things you can do to make this whole thing a little easier.

It sounds like you need to get to know his girlfriend. Right now, she knows nothing about you except what she’s heard, so of course she’s intimidated by your relationship with her BF. You have a better chance at staying his friend if she becomes your friend also. Third wheel it with the two of them one day and get to know her. Show her as much attention as you show your friend and make her feel included. It might take more than one hangout sesh to get her comfortable with you, so just keep being friendly.

Don’t bring up the unspoken tension between the three of you – that will just make things awkward. But if she brings it up, explain to her how you feel. Let her know she has nothing to worry about and you just want to be friends with her BF.

If she refuses to budge and he listens to her, then there’s not much you can do since you can’t make your friend go against her. Try to stay friendly with him if you can, but it might be best to back off for a little bit, as much as that stinks for you. If you push yourself into their lives, it’s going to make her resent you more. Backing off for a little while while they establish their relationship might be a good thing. A few months into it, you can try being really friendly with him again and maybe things will change.

And if he ditches you for good? That’s his loss. If he can’t stand up to his girlfriend for his friends, then he’s got some stuff he needs to work on.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

 What do you do when your BF has low self-esteem?

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Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are on and off, but Taylor Swift thinks they should be off for good. That may explain all that side eye. | Source: WENN

As Sel’s best friend, T-Swizzle is reportedly bummed about the couple reuniting. A mutual pal of the superstar BFFs revealed that Taylor hates seeing Selena so unhappy because of Justin’s wandering eye issues and the toll of the publicity they get as a couple: “She [Taylor] just feels Selena is getting weighed down by the Justin drama.”

It turns out, Sel’s own mama agrees with Swifty–and we all know, mama knows best. The pal added, ”Selena’s mom, Mandy, doesn’t want Selena held back by Justin,” the friend added. “She says he’s too much trouble.”

Sometimes we need to listen to our girlfriends, especially in the case of an off-and-on romance. If someone is a true friend, she wants to see you happy, and if you’re constantly crying or worrying about what a guy is doing, guess what? He’s not making you happy. It’s better to be single than strung along and miserable, and your friends can help you see through to what the real reasons are that you’re staying: Are you addicted to the drama? Do you fear being alone? Do you think you can’t do better? (Girl, you can. Whoever he is, you can.)

When you really like a dude, it’s easy to get blinded by that and not quite understand that he’s actually making you pretty miserable–it’s a tangled web of breaking up, making up, making promises, breaking promises, and bruising of egos. A lot of times your friends will see it before you do: Your behavior may change, and you may complain about him more than you realize. But your friends will probably pick up on it, because they’re seeing everything pretty objectively through an outside lens (and because they might be a little tired of hearing your kvetch about the same jerk all the time).

Moral of the story? If you’re unsure about a guy, ask a friend. She won’t steer you wrong!

As for the particular case of Jelena, Taylor Swift has said that cheating is a dealbreaker for her, and she’s smart for it. Considering the Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez breakup was rumored to be due to Sel’s trust issues and Biebs’ wandering eye, we don’t blame Taylor for encouraging the pair to never, ever, ever get back together. Like, ever.

Have you ever needed a friend to give you a reality check with relationship drama? Would you take Taylor Swift’s dating advice? Do you think Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber should stay together or break up? Tell us in the comments!

If worse comes to worst, at least Taylor Swift (and Miley Cyrus!) may get a good song from a Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez split!

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Here are three reasons why it rocks to be the third wheel:

1. They’re Dying To See You
Your bestie and her boo see each other a ton or probably at least talk to each other every day, so having you around will be like a super awesome breath of fresh air. Tell them about all the cool stuff you’ve been up to. They want to know everything!

2. They’ll Remind You How Much You Love Being Single
She wants to see that cool new documentary, but he wants to see the comedy. She wants to sit close in the theater, but he wants to sit in the back. Sure, they cuddle and get all cutesy too, but remember how many compromises they both have to make to make it work. Isn’t it amazing to be single?!

3. It’s Like Having A Wing-Girl AND A Wing-Man!
If you are looking for someone smoochable (which by no means do you need to be!), going out with a couple is one of the best ways to meet someone. When people see gorgeous little you and no gorgeous partner on your arm, they’ll want to fill that void, pronto. Leave it to your favorite couple to talk you up and make this new hottie putty in your hands.

4. You Have The Best Screeners For Your Next Boo
Sure they help you meet a hottie, but when it comes to serious dating, your couple friends can get really protective over you. Part of it might be selfish…they’re feeling your newbie out for double dates! But a second (and third) opinion can be a great thing. Sure, this can get annoying or stressful when it comes to those first intros, but having two people who only want the best for you could help you make better decisions when you’re coupling up next.

5. You save money
Sometimes doing things with two other people is way cheaper (and better). For example, dim sum for one? Meh. Dim sum for two? Better. Dim sum for three? Awesome! You get to try everything on the menu and only pay for a third of it! And sharing gas costs with two people instead of by yourself…well, that’s beaucoup bucks in your pocket. Same thing for a parking pass at school or even going in on a birthday gift for another friend. Trios can have some pretty budget-friendly upsides!

Have you ever been the third wheel? Do you like hanging out with couples when you’re on your own, or is it awkward for you? Tell us in the comments!

Being Single Doesn’t Have To Suck

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Is your friend gossiping about you? Not cool. | Source: Shutterstock

1. Your friend always has to one-up you.
You spent days studying for that test and you’re stoked about that 96 percent? She didn’t think it was that hard, only briefly looked at her notes the night before, and got a 97 percent. You had stomach flu for two days and it was awful? She had it for a week and almost died. You think your parents’ punishments are bad? You should try HER parents’. And on and on.

2. She only calls when she needs something.
She needs to copy your notes from French class, to borrow that supercute dress, or even though she never calls you back, suddenly you have to talk to her all night on the phone after she gets dumped. If you want to borrow something, need a shoulder to lean on, or anything else, she’s suddenly MIA.

3. All her compliments are backhanded.
You know, they’re nice until you think twice, stuff like, “That dress makes you look less fat than the last one did,” when you’re out shopping, or at school, “You got a really good grade…for you!” Anything she says still points out what she thinks are your faults. Compliments should make you feel good, not self-conscious. You don’t need to put up with her bitch mouth.

4. She talks about you behind your back.
We all have our good and bad aspects, but she focuses on the bad and makes sure to bring them up with others. Worse, maybe she’s even starting rumors based on innocent things you might have said (ex. you saying “I got in an argument with Valerie last night” becomes “Amy totally hates Valerie!” when your friend tells someone else – who didn’t need to know your business in the first place). She tells your secrets, makes fun of what you’re struggling with, and if you’re having a serious problem, says you’re overreacting.

She did NOT just put you on blast on Facebook. | Source: Shutterstock

What can you do if you have a friend who’s acting like a total bitch? Try asking her about it; maybe she didn’t realize she was doing something wrong. But if she tells you you’re being too sensitive or making a big deal of nothing, well, it’s probably time to find someone worth being your friend.

Have you ever had a really bad friend? Have you ever liked someone and then realized they were acting like a total bitch? What did you do about it? Tell me in the comments!

Are You The One Who’s A Bad Friend?

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