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I Wish I Knew Holding A Grudge Isn’t Worth It

Jessica Booth — Thu, 02 Aug 2012 16:00:13 +0000

Trust me: It’s not worth it. | Source: ShutterStock

When I was younger, I took a lot of pride in my ability to hold a grudge better than most people I knew. I was (okay fine – still am) extremely stubborn, and when a friend, relative or pretty much anyone pissed me off, I could go months, and even years, without speaking to them. Sometimes my grudges went on for so long that I eventually forgot what I was even angry about. But it didn’t matter, because it was the principle of the thing.

It helps that I’m a master at the silent treatment technique. I learned early on that completely ignoring someone can make a person furious, embarrassed, hurt and confused all at once. I was super proud of the fact that I could look right past a former BFF or ex-boyfriend as if they didn’t even exist – and I have no idea why. It took maybe the hardest lesson of my life so far to remind me that holding a stubborn grudge like that is completely pointless and so not worth it.

A few years ago, I started casually dating a guy (Z) who I had known for a while. Z was exactly my type and we had a ton of fun together. But even though we liked each other, things didn’t work out. Z had recently gotten out of a long relationship and wasn’t looking for a girlfriend. Our relationship got a little bit complicated, and when Z ended things, I was really upset. Even though I knew in my heart we were better off as friends (we just weren’t clicking as a couple), I felt hurt and a little embarrassed, and I did what I do best when I feel vulnerable – I got mad.

Source: ShutterStock

Z wanted us to stay friends, and I honestly wanted that also – but first I had to prove my point. When I saw him talking to another girl in our usual hangout spot, it was all I needed to start a grudge. From then on, I started ignoring Z completely. Even when he walked right by me, staring at me, I would look the other way and pretend I didn’t see him. I trash talked him to every person who would listen and purposely avoided going places if he was there.

No matter how nasty I was, Z still tried to get my attention by apologizing multiple times, trying to catch my eye whenever he saw me, liking my posts on Facebook and even saying “happy birthday” to me on my b-day. That was just the kind of person Z was. Even though he knew I was still angry and even though he knew I was unnecessarily being a total brat, he was still nice to me whenever he had the chance to be.

I planned on forgiving Z eventually. I had elaborate daydreams about running into him somewhere around town and things falling back into place for us. It wasn’t that I wanted us to be a couple (although I wouldn’t have minded that), but it was more that I wanted us to go back to being friends, maybe even close friends.

Unfortunately, I waited too long. I held my grudge for almost a full year, despite the fact that I met someone new. There was absolutely no reason for me to continue to ignore Z, but I did. And then something horrible happened – Z died in a car accident, and any wish I had of us becoming friends again flew out the window.

I wish I could take back my anger. | Source: ShutterStock

When it happened, I was devastated. Actually, devastated doesn’t even begin to cover it. I can’t explain the regret and guilt I felt, and still feel, every day. My last memory of seeing Z was bumping into him a few months before he passed away at our usual hangout spot. When our shoulders touched, I acted like it didn’t happen – but Z looked right into my eyes and gave me an “I’m sorry” look. That could have been my chance to put our fight behind me, and to start being friendly with him. But I didn’t take it. I thought I would have so much time to make things right with him, and nothing could have been further from the truth.

Getting over Z’s death has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It’s been a little over a year, and I still feel a terrible amount of regret that will probably never go away. I wish so much that I had been mature enough to forgive him. Z was truly a wonderful guy who could have been a good friend to me, if I let him, but I was too busy being mad over nothing to give us that chance.

The only good thing that has come from this experience is that I’ve stopped holding grudges. Now when I get mad at someone, I accept their apology and move on. I might not always go back to being friends with the person, but I do let go of my anger. I don’t give them the silent treatment and I apologize for anything I’ve done wrong. I know now that someone can disappear at any minute, and I never want what happened with Z to happen with anyone else. I would do anything to be able to make things right, and I hope that somehow, he knows that.

Do you hold grudges? Are you doing it right now? Has something similar ever happened to you? Tell us about it in the comments.

Here’s why forgiving someone could save your life

How To Deal With Loss

Gurl — Mon, 09 Jul 2012 20:00:08 +0000

We’ll all deal with loss at some point. It might the loss of a family member, a pet, or someone else that’s important to us. Dealing with grief, loss, and death can leave us reeling and feeling completely out of control. At least Meg is here to help with five to deal with death.

Since this is the final video in Gurl’s How To Deal series, we wanted to give one last shout out to the amazingly awesome and wise Meg Haston for helping us deal with some of the stickiest, saddest, and uncomfy moments life has to offer. Meg? Our lives are SO much better because of you. Thanks for all you’ve taught us.

If you agree and love Meg, too, give her a shout out in the comments!

Worried About Your Friend? Here’s How To Help Her

How To Deal With The Death Of A Friend

Meg Haston — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 17:00:52 +0000

Hey Girls! It’s Heather–I got an email from a girl asking why she was still so sad about her friend’s death almost a year after it happened. This is pretty serious (and really sad) stuff, so I called in my friend Meg Haston, who’s also got a fancy-pants degree in professional counseling, to help out. Here’s what she had to say:

It's normal to still be sad and confused. | Source: Shutterstock

Dealing with the death of a friend is difficult at any age, but to lose someone when they’re still young is particularly tragic. So first, let me say this: I am so deeply sorry for your loss. The pain is so intense at first, sometimes it feels better over time, and then as you get closer to the anniversary of the death, it’s completely normal for your feelings—your sadness, anger, loneliness, and anything else you might be experiencing—to intensify. You might even have periods where you feel numb.

As weird as this may sound, it’s actually good to feel sad—it means that you’re dealing with your loss and not ignoring your emotions. That’s healthy, and it takes a strong girl to do it. Grieving is not easy, and unfortunately there’s nothing I can say that will make your pain go away. But you will make it through. You will feel normal again. Below, I’ll share some things I’ve learned from my personal experience, and from working with girls and guys who have suffered loss.

There’s No “Right Way”. Remember that grieving is a process, and there’s no one right way to do it. Some days, you’ll feel like you’re taking steps forward, like your mood is better or you’re able to enjoy life again. And some days, you might feel really low. This doesn’t mean that you’re taking steps backward, or that you’re not healing. This is just what grieving looks like.

You are not alone in this. | Source: Shutterstock

Don’t grieve alone.
Take time alone when you need it, but try not to isolate yourself. Connecting with others who knew your friend will remind you that you’re not the only one struggling with this loss. Consider joining a grief support group. You can find local groups by contacting hospitals or counseling centers in your area.

Be patient with yourself.
As time goes on, your pain will lessen. I don’t know how long this will take for you, because it’s different for everyone. But please, be patient with yourself. You’ll take exactly the amount of time you need to grieve, and that’s okay. If you find that your sadness is getting consistently worse as time passes, or if you’re starting to feel helpless or hopeless, reach out to a parent or doctor. It may be important for you to talk one-on-one with a counselor.

Find meaning in your experience.
I mentioned above that you will feel normal again, and that’s true. You won’t feel exactly the same way you felt before your friend’s death, though. This was a tragic life event, and you will be changed because of it. Maybe you’ll find strength you never knew you had. Maybe you’ll treasure your current friendships all the more. Eventually, acknowledging those things that you’ll take from the experience is a way to honor your friend. And honoring her a little bit every day will keep her memory alive.

Most of all, just try to take good care of yourself. That’s what your friend would have wanted.

Have you ever had to deal with the death of a friend? How did you get through it? Share your advice with other girls in the comments.

Feeling kind of lost and like no one understands? This might help.

Amy Winehouse’s Best Impersonators: A Pic & Poem Tribute For Amy

Dan Koday — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 16:20:35 +0000

A Tribute For Amy...

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...so it's no surprise that over the years, everyone from your best friend to your dad has slapped on a beehive wig and cat eye black eyeliner to look just like Amy Winehouse.

After the tragic passing of such a unique, talented singer, we wanted to pay tribute the best way we knew how, by entertaining you and making you smile. It's what Amy would have wanted. So from Halloween hilariousness to drag queen demur, read on for our tribute poem and pics of the best Amy impersonators ever.

Never afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve,

Oh Amy, it’s what made your lyrics so very unique.

We felt all your pain as you sang about love and boys,

And tried to ignore all the negative media noise.

At first you may have looked different than a lot of other gURLs,

But then these awesome people started impersonating your sexy long curls,

Pretty soon they’d mastered the beehive, the cat eye and your infamous smirk,

And you quickly became a Halloween legend with all your little quirks.

It’s sad that you’ve left us, your talent came with such ease,

But we bet you’ve finally found a place full of peace.

Even though this poem is almost over and it’s time to go,

Amy, we’ll never forget you, no, no, no.

Amy Winehouse Has Died. Did You Ever Lose a Friend or Someone Close to You?

Dan Koday — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 17:52:07 +0000

If you’ve been on Twitter or Facebook in the last couple of minutes, you already know that talented singer Amy Winehouse has passed away. But whether this is or isn’t the first time you’re hearing of it, the story brings up a lot of sad emotions.

It’s always awesome to watch a gURL rise to the top of the music industry, especially someone like Amy with great talent and individuality. It’s obvious she had problems with drugs and alcohol, and even though there hasn’t been any official cause of death released, lots of people are assuming Amy’s vices played a part.

But maybe what’s been even more disturbing is the amount of people who we’ve seen with messages on their Twitter feeds or Facebook walls sarcastically saying, “Well, couldn’t have seen this one coming…” or “Is anyone really that surprised?”.

Have you seen these posts too? What does it make you think? And have you ever lost someone close to you? How did you deal? Share your love for Amy or sound off in the comments below.

screen icon (and gURL favorite) elizabeth taylor dies at 79

Gurl — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 15:55:47 +0000

we'll miss you <3

Elizabeth Taylor, one of gURL’s favorite women, has passed away at the age of 79.

|Ms. Taylor will join the list of the other great dead women who we love.|

According to CNN, the legendary actress “died peacefully today in Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.” She had been hospitalized six weeks ago with congestive heart failure, and was not able to recover.

Besides starring in amazing films, Elizabeth notably fought against AIDS with her Elizabeth Taylor AIDS Foundation. The glamorous star was also known for some pretty amazing quotes:

“It is strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting.”

“Big girls need big diamonds.”

“When people say, ‘She’s got everything’, I’ve got one answer — I haven’t had tomorrow.”

|Want more great quotes? Check out what Raven Symone has to say about life and self-love.|

What’s your favorite thing about Elizabeth Taylor? Are you sad that she has passed? Share below or on the Shout Out Boards.

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discuss: would you lie to cover up your sister’s death?

Gurl — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 01:37:29 +0000

would you pretend to be someone else for your sister - forever?

How far would you go to solve your sister’s murder?

It’s probably not something you think about every day, but what if you had a long-lost identical twin sister, and on the day you were both supposed to meet, she suddenly disappeared?

Leave it to the brilliant author behind Pretty Little Liars, Sara Shepard, to write a new page-turner that answers that question. Her new book, The Lying Game, brings up a whole lot of high school drama and major life issues for its heroine, Emma Paxton. In the span of a day, Emma goes from living with a dysfunctional foster family in Las Vegas, to taking over her sister Sutton’s privileged life with a wealthy family in Tucson. It’s a major upgrade, except for the fact that Emma also inherits her sister’s no-good-very-bad-girl reputation. Sutton was a classic mean girl with loads of frenemies at her high school. No wonder someone wanted her dead. Still, Emma feels compelled to get to the bottom of her sister’s disappearance, and the best way to find out what happened, is to slip into her life and become Sutton.

We’re dying to find out how The Lying Game ends. If you haven’t started it yet, check out the first seven chapters for free here. Then, tell us, would you risk everything for your sister or your best friend?

Discuss!

-gURL

more ways to get gURLy:

Pearls of wisdom, survey q’s, polls, quotes to live by — it’s all on gURL.com’s Twitter. Follow us!
Luv gURL? Then ‘Like’ us, too! Let’s be friends on Facebook and you’ll get first looks at stories!
Can’t get enough of gURL.com? We don’t blame you. Sign up for our weekly newsletter!
Let’s talk. Shout Out advice, music, politics, poetry, your style and MORE!
Your hook on hooking up: gURL’s sex, health & relationships blog.
Need some advice, quick? Ask Heather anything; she answers three q’s, daily!
Bored? Take new quizzes and play gURL games!

my dad died seven years ago and it still really hurts

Heather — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

dear heather,
My father passed away from cancer seven years ago but when I think about him it still hurts as bad as it did when he died. Whenever I see his picture or someone asks about him I get choked up. I don’t want to forget about him, but I’m tired of feeling this way. How can I get over his death and get on with my life?

I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Mourning is so unpredictable–you never know how long it will last, but that intense sadness will eventually pass. You may always get a little choked up at times when you think about your dad, but it won’t always be so overwhelming.

Since the pain is still so intense, it may help to talk to someone about your feelings. A school counselor is a good start. He or she would also be able to help you find resources in your area if more long-term therapy is necessary.

In addition to sadness, you may have other feelings that are keeping you connected so strongly to the pain. You might be angry that your dad was taken away from you at such an early age, or perhaps even angry at him for “leaving you.” There are many possibilities.

I’d recommend that you allow someone to help you through this who can help you untangle your feelings and examine them.

take care,
heather

my mom died and i feel like i didn’t spend enough time with her

Heather — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 00:00:00 +0000

dear heather,

My mom passed away in December and my life has sucked since then. I feel like I’m stupid because I didn’t spend enough time with her. I would go out with my friends instead of spending time with her. I still feel really sad. Are these feelings normal?

Your feelings are completely normal. Guilt and regret are some of the most common feelings that surface after the death of a close family member. We often look back wondering what we could have done differently and what we could have done to show that person they were truly loved.It seems to me that before your mother died you were just being a teenager, doing what teenagers do–living a normal life, enjoying your friends. If your mother had been sick for a while, chances are she actually wanted you to live your life and not be too burdened by her illness. So try not to feel too guilty.

If your mother’s death was sudden, I’m sure it must have felt like a violent separation–a shocking one that makes the lost opportunities more apparent. These feelings will eventually fade, however.

It’s really hard to get over the loss of a parent, but time will heal. Just be patient with yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Talk to friends and other family members and seek professional help, if you feel it’s necessary. Your school counselor should be able to offer short-term counseling or refer you to another mental health provider for more extended therapy.

take care,
heather

my boyfriend passed away a few months ago

Heather — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 00:00:00 +0000

dear heather,
I had a boyfriend who I loved with all of my heart and he felt the same for me. Sadly though, he passed away a few months ago. It’s just so hard; I can’t do a lot, since anything I do reminds me of him.

I pray every night that we will meet in heaven and start our life together then. I just can’t keep moving on like this and honestly, sometimes I wish something would happen so that I could be taken to heaven as well. I know I shouldn’t think like that but it doesn’t stop.

I need him so badly and I just don’t know what I should do to continue on with my life.

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your boyfriend. It must be a terrible time for you. Death is not an easy thing to face. It seems particularly shocking when someone dies young. We just don’t expect that. And when it’s someone as close to us as he was to you, it’s even more devastating.

It’s very important for you to know that time heals these wounds. I know it sounds impossible right now, but people have a remarkable ability to accept and adjust to situations–even ones as painful as this. In the meantime, try not to isolate yourself.

Support is key. Talk to your friends, relatives, or even the members of your religious community about what you’re going through, even your thoughts about wanting to join your boyfriend. They must recognize what a difficult time you are going through and I’m sure they want to help.

If you’d prefer to talk with people who can relate to what you’re going through, look for grief support groups in your area. Talk to your school counselor about finding a group or search online for a group. You can also visit the “Dealing with Death” folder on the message boards.

Given the difficulty of the situation, I would also recommend that you seek professional help to get through this. Talk to your school counselor for a referral to a trained mental health care provider or ask your parents to help you find someone who can help you deal with some of the feelings that are surfacing now. Some therapists even specialize in grief counseling. The therapy can be temporary–it depends on what your needs are–but it’s likely to help a whole lot.

take care,
heather