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When I read this question to my girlfriend, the topic hit so close to home that she had to check her Gmail outbox just to make sure she didn’t submit it herself while sleep-emailing. While guys often criticize girls for “oversharing,” apparently you’re not alone in feeling that guys have a tendency to “undershare.” Even as a dude who considers himself in touch with his emotions (and writes a weekly dating advice column!), I, too am guilty of this habit. However, in order to get your man to open up to you, I think it’s important to understand the difference between male and female communication.

In general, men like to talk in order to solve problems, while women converse in order to process their feelings and work out that which they want to express. Unfortunately, most of us guys view communication as a means to and end rather than as a process of discovery, and we often avoid discussing issues until we’ve figured out how to fix them.

Ultimately, the best thing you can do is to respect your boyfriend’s space; the worst you can do is to nag him or criticize him for being distant. Attacking or attempting to coerce a guy into discussing his emotions will most likely only cause him to retreat further into solitude. Feel free to share your own emotions without expectations of consistent reciprocation, and make it clear that you’re always there for him when he’s ready to talk. Try not to take his male-ness personally! If he’s a guy worth dating, he’ll open up to you on his own with just a little support and patience from the girl he loves.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Do guys get nervous about a first kiss?

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Maintaining a legit friendship with any ex- is tricky stuff – usually because both parties are rarely on the same page.

In my very first post for Gurl.com over a year ago, I granted that if a guy has truly moved on from an ex, he certainly might pursue a friendship with her. This can be very common when the guy is the one initiating the break up, and if you want to remain friends (and think you can move on), there’s no reason why you guys shouldn’t become pals. However, if you’re the one doing the dumping, and you suspect he still has feelings for you, be careful – he might be settling for a friendship out of desperation. Or, he might even have sneakier motives, hoping to eventually re-open the possibility of romance in the near future.

Now, on the opposite end of the spectrum, there are also guys who play the friendship card as an easy way to let a girl down. Girls do this, too. More often than not, younger guys head this direction with the noblest of intentions, assuming that a post-romantic relationship is a preferred possibility (any experienced guy knows that it’s usually not either of these things). But only the jerkiest of jerks will string along a girl under the guise of “friendship” as a means to continue hooking up with her. If it does happen (and unfortunately, it does), feel free to notify your school paper of this dishonest behavior – such creepdom should be broadcast to the entire student body.

Of course, once in awhile, two people will date and realize simultaneously that they’re both better off as platonic buddies, which is certainly ideal. But for the most part, because of all the potential variables and conditions involved with both partners’ feelings, maintaining a friendship with an ex is seldom ever that easy. If you’re determined to make one work, be prepared for some honest, open talks that might take you both into very sensitive territory. It’s not impossible, but it requires patience, maturity, and often, an ability to read between the lines of others’ emotions.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

How do you stay friends with a guy who likes you?

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Dear Ethan,

What do guys tell their friends about sex? Do they explain every detail? Do they lie about stuff they’ve done? Do they talk about it like girls do? Do you think my boyfriend is telling his friends all the stuff we do? HELP!!!!!

First of all, breathe, girlfriend, BREATHE!

The truth is, if it’s is a one-night-stand we’re dealing with, then all bets are off – he may, indeed, reveal every little detail about your encounter to his friends. I wish I could vouch for my gender and assure you that we are all virtuous and respectful – but most guys are not, especially when we have no intention of hooking up with a girl again. And, unlike girls, who talk about sex plenty with each other, but often focus on its more romantic aspects and use euphemisms for private parts, guys do talk about the specific sexual acts which are done to “tits,” “asses,” and other words unfit for print here. You will never hear a guy refer to a girl’s genitals as her “thing.”

While dudes who discuss intimate details with their closest friends are often inevitable annoyances, guys who can’t be stopped from gossiping in public should simply not be trusted. And guys who lie about sexual encounters, while far less common, should be avoided altogether. Their motives may vary from case to case, but the vast majority of guys who lie about this type of stuff are merely insecure and trying to impress their friends. Unfortunately, it’s often at your expense – so while you don’t have to wage war against them, no guy has the right to brag about something that never happened. Not cool.

Relationships follow an entirely different guy code. The general rule is that the longer the relationship, the deeper the love, and the more private the sex. After my first date with my current girlfriend, I couldn’t resist telling my best friend every little detail about the makeout session. Now, two years later, I wouldn’t be caught dead telling any of my buddies what color underwear she owns (stop asking, Dave). Ultimately, if your boyfriend is incapable of keeping your sex life in the bedroom, he’s too immature to be a boyfriend.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Do guys get turned off by virgins?

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Overall, I’d think that most guys would rather not say anything at all than lie about intimate sexual details. But unfortunately, without meeting the guy and knowing a few more specifics about the situation, there’s really no way for me to assure you that he’s telling the truth. There will always be jerks out there who have the potential to be dishonest about anything in a relationship, whether sexual or emotional. What I can assure you of, however, is that actions almost always speak louder than words.

For example, if a guy tells you that he didn’t have a problem with the way you taste, but refuses to ever perform oral sex after a single attempt, he might be withholding information. It could mean that he found it unpleasant, but all it indicates for certain is that he’s not telling you everything. Perhaps he doesn’t enjoy oral in general, or feels embarrassed because he thinks you didn’t like it the first time. At the very least, he’s not being entirely candid.

With all that said, if he seems to be into the sex, and tells you he’s into the sex, you need to believe that he’s into the sex! This “law of trust” works both ways for guys and girls. Early on, I almost walked away from my current girlfriend because I couldn’t believe that such a cool, hot chick really wanted to make our relationship work after our first fight. A friend of mine reminded me that I had to give her the benefit of the doubt and take her at her word, as it’s the only way to build trust with a partner.

Beyond what he tells you, if a guy’s behavior seems to indicate he’s being insincere, you have to address the fact that you don’t feel he’s being honest. Ultimately, the gap between his words and actions is one worthy of discussion.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

7 relationship secrets you need to keep to yourself

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Don’t despair! For one thing, did you know that in some ancient cultures, virgins were so highly regarded that they were employed as sacrificial offerings to the Gods? …Okay, so maybe that doesn’t make you feel any better. But the good news is that in general, guys are not “totally turned off” by inexperience — though the two-part question you pose does require a two-part answer.

First, not only is virginity nothing to be ashamed of, it’s also not something you should worry about guys being turned off by. For the most part, any good guy will respect and admire the fact that you don’t take sex lightly. Of course, how each specific guy will react to this information depends both upon your reasons for waiting, and the guy’s intentions. Does your religion encourage you to wait until marriage? Are you holding out for someone worthy of the privilege?  Or have you simply not had the chance to yet? Seeing as all are totally valid reasons, treat the sharing of this info with your potential partner as an opportunity to test compatibility. If he’s anything but totally understanding about your sexual history, consider yourself lucky to have avoided a relationship with a guy who’s not right for you, and possibly even a jerk.

And as for your lack of all romantic experience, I think the fact that you’ve never been kissed is really only as important as you choose to make it. It other words, a guy will less likely be turned off by the actual number of dates you’ve been on than he will by a lack of confidence over that fact. If you’re able to own your status as a dating newb, guys will be put at ease by your casually positive attitude. If you can treat your inexperience as a non-issue, he can too!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Your virginity is really no big deal

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I tend to believe that assigning dating “jobs” to specific genders is a thing of my parents’ (or even their parents’) age, so I don’t think it’s necessarily a guy’s responsibility to open communication. And, as I wrote a few weeks ago, we love it when girls take initiative. Whether you’ve yet to go on a date, or have been hooking up for months, you should totally feel free to text him first. If the guy is into you, he’ll simply be psyched to hear from you.

Now, how and when you follow up from the initial contact is another story. I don’t believe in playing games once you’re in a relationship or have established some sort of exclusivity, but a little bit of mystery can only make things more exciting. You don’t have to adhere to any crazy hardfast laws (we’ve all heard of the “Three Day,” “One Hour,” or “Make Him Suffer” rules when it comes to returning a guy’s phone call), but it’s especially important in the opening weeks of any budding romance to be aware of pacing. This is absolutely crucial! For any relationship to take off, you must both be aware of how much space to give or pressure to apply, depending on the signs each of you put out there.

I want to stress again that there is absolutely never any harm in making the first move–but when you’re not getting back what you’re putting in, you have to kick back and wait for the guy to pull his own weight. Furthermore, if you’re not finding his consistently lame-o responses of “k” satisfying, or he habitually takes the “Make Her Suffer” response-time rule to the limits, the guy just might not be right for you. Ultimately, you’ll know you’ve found a match when the flirtatious gameplay feels exciting and fun, rather than like Chinese water torture.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

How much do dudes care about a girls weight?

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Usually, a guy will just post it on Facebook.

I’m only joking, of course (though if your man does, you might want to make sure he’s not also the type to break up on Facebook as well) – but guys do have a few gender-specific methods of expressing their love.

For one thing, guys often tend to be a bit less open with their emotions, leaning more heavily on physical cues instead. That’s not to say a woman in love won’t twirl her hair, bite her lip, or gaze longingly at her man while blinking coquettishly (okay, maybe that’s just The Little Mermaid), but often a guy in love won’t be able to keep his hands off of the lady of his dreams. Constant hugs, hand-grabs, affectionate smooches, or any other sweet action he wouldn’t normally be caught dead doing in front of his manly dude-pals are all signs that he’s hopelessly into you. Extra points awarded if he can’t stop calling or asking for plans, and super-mega bonus points if he can tolerate (or, dare he enjoy?!) your company even on your lowest, worstest of days.

But of course, the only way to know for sure if this is anything more than simple infatuation is for him to say so. As I’ve admitted before, I was the first to drop the L-bomb with my current girlfriend. But I might be an exception rather than a typical example, as most of my guy friends (especially the commitment-phobes) have let the women they’re dating (or are now married to!) take the verbal plunge first.

That said, no matter what type of guy you’re dating, you don’t have to feel like you need to take all your relationship cues from him. If you simply can’t hold it in any longer, let ‘er rip! If he’s not quite on the same page yet, don’t panic—give him some time and space to come to terms with how bonkers he truly is for you.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

 How can you get your BF to open up to you?

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First, let me thank you for writing in – you’re certainly not alone, as I know of quite a few girls who have also grappled with how to bare their past traumas to others. It takes a lot of courage to share any story of abuse, loss, or self-harm—whether with a stranger or a loved one.

I think the decision to tell your boyfriend about your own history is really quite a personal one. Obviously such information doesn’t quite make for great first date conversation, but you should absolutely be able to share such deeper things with someone you know you can trust—especially because it likely now informs a large part of who you are. If you’re at a point in the relationship where you feel like giving him that backstory will help him get to know you better, and you can confide in him with confidence, then you should go for it.

On the other hand, you may feel that, since you’re much happier now, your scars represent a past struggle which isn’t as relevant to your life now. In that case, I don’t think you need to tell him about their origins merely because he suspects something.

Your question reminds me of a girl who wanted to know when to tell her boyfriend that she loves him. My answer to you is similar in that you should only tell your boyfriend about your past when you feel like you need to. Then, if he can’t handle the truth, you’ll simply know that he wasn’t right for you in the first place. But more than likely, if he’s as into you as he sounds, hearing about your past issues won’t cause him to run away – he’ll only feel glad and relieved that you’re so much better off now.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Am I depressed… or just sad?

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If the number one question asked of me and my fellow dating coach Dave  is how to overcome approach anxiety, the most popular question posed specifically by the ladies is whether or not it’s cool for a girl to ask a guy out. Well, not only do both Dave and I feel that it’s totally cool – we strongly encourage girls to do so!

Ask any guy if he’d like to be approached more often for dates, and I’ll pretty much guarantee he’ll answer “yes.” The truth is, when it comes to romance—especially in our teen years –lots of ladies have more (figurative) balls than most guys do. So don’t be afraid to (figuratively) use them! Contrary to what you may assume, being asked out is anything but emasculating for most guys – instead we feel excited, or even relieved when a lady steps up to the plate on her own.

However, if you take my advice, promise me that you won’t make a habit of letting any guy off easy. Once you initiate plans, it should be the guy’s responsibility to make the next move. Obviously if you’re the one who asks for his number, you’ll need to follow through and make the first call as well. But you don’t want to set a precedent of making all the decisions in the relationship—after all, every girl deserves to be wooed! Eventually, the courting process should resemble a game of table tennis more than a game of…you know, something…in which one person does all the work…. Golf?

You get my point.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Does playing hard to get make guys like you?

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Oh man, I remember my first kiss like it was yesterday (it wasn’t, I swear). And if my profuse sweating and clutching of the couch for dear life during said kiss was any indication of my nerves at that moment, then yes, I’d say I was about as nervous as any girl could have been.

The truth is, most guys get as anxious as girls do about plenty of stuff: breaking the ice, asking someone out, and of course, moving in for the kiss. And if it’s a first kiss, well, that can be about as stressful as a student government election speech in nothing but underwear. Since our world is one in which the guy is (though perhaps unfairly) often expected to make the first move, this experience can be especially harrowing for dudes.

Fortunately, a romantic role in a school play allowed me to practice for my first real time, and softened the blow a little bit. But despite my fake fantasy smooch (which I was forced to perform in front of my parents, no less), I was still super stressed about my first real-deal make-out sesh. It didn’t help that I was painfully into the lady involved, one of the coolest girls at school. The result was a fish-mouthed kiss executed by a stammering mess of a guy who literally shook as he moved in with a spastic, clueless tongue. Fortunately, she was more than patient with me—and either she never noticed my periodic open-eyed glances of panic around the room, or pretended not to.

In an attempt to preserve an air of masculinity, we guys might play it off like a first kiss is no big deal, but most of us are just as frightened as you ladies. I know of guys who have practiced on pillows, run away in panic, or have even thrown up (thankfully before the kiss began) in anticipation of the big moment. Just keep this all in mind when it’s your turn to take the plunge! (Though you can probably forget about the puking part. That might be best.)

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Are dudes really as shallow as we all think they are?