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What are you, nuts? This is “GUY” code – I can’t tell you that!

But guess what? You’ve lucked out, because I’m willing to temporarily break guy code to reveal to you what guy code is. (Please don’t tell my friends?)

The term “guy code” has become so widespread, it’s even landed its own TV show (MTV’s appropriately titled Guy Code). Generally speaking, the expression refers to the set of ethical principles–or “code”–which every male must follow. The point is to bind men in a brotherhood which prioritizes male friendship and masculinity above everything else. It sounds chauvinistic (and it can be), but it’s really rooted in the one moral maxim which we are taught to abide by as early as Kindergarten: “Treat others as one would like others to treat oneself,” also known as “The Golden Rule.”

What are the actual tenets of Guy Code, you may be asking? Well, the specific rules vary across different cultures, groups and geographical locations, but many of them touch upon the same few concepts:

1) A guy shall never reveal anything about another guy’s whereabouts, actions, intentions, or marital status to a girl.

2) A guy friend’s ex-girlfriend, girlfriend, or sister (or mother, if you’re especially ballsy) are all entirely off limits, unless explicit permission is proactively granted by the guy friend.

3) A guy must act as a helpful wingman to another guy whenever requested.

4) No guy is allowed to voluntarily watch Twilight, Glee, or Sex and the City. If forced to watch one of the previously mentioned movies or television shows due to circumstances beyond his control, he may not enjoy it.

While these “rules” carry some truth, you should also take them with a grain of salt. Most guys don’t take this universal guy code as gospel. You can expect most of us to realize that the best way to be a “good” guy is to follow an individualized, personal code that requires us to treat both men and women with compassion and respect.

Just don’t make us choose between Team Edward and Team Jacob, okay?

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Do guys care about whether or not you’re popular?

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How much and what kind of makeup you wear isn’t entirely lost on guys – but just as with lingerie (as discussed in last week’s post), the type and amount of attention we give to makeup is quite different from that of you ladies.

For one thing, since we never wear it ourselves (minus rock stars, gay men, and Russell Brand), makeup isn’t something that guys spend much time thinking about. In fact, when it does pop into our consciousness, it’s likely only because a lady’s makeup is especially bad. Good or bad makeup still won’t permanently make or break your chances with any guy, but it might help you to grab or divert his attention. Generally, a successful female makeup job could be considered one which a guy won’t notice at all.

That’s not to say men find makeup inherently unattractive – we just don’t want to be preoccupied by it while looking longingly into your mascara-drenched raccoon eyes. There will always be the rare dude who’s simply into the “porn star look,” but makeup should ultimately be used – if at all – to subtly enhance your natural beauty, rather than turn you into something entirely different (e.g. a circus clown).

Of course, some women may suffer from more serious cases of acne or skin conditions that cut into self-confidence. In such scenarios, the treatment of the actual problem should always be of primary importance - try leaning on excessively heavy foundation and concealer only as temporary solutions in emergency situations. Lots of guys (including myself) would prefer to date a girl who handles such surface flaws more honestly rather than painstakingly covering them up every day. I think you’ll find that you’ll get much more attention from guys by accepting your imperfections with confidence while accentuating those of your features that you are indeed proud of!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

10 beauty blunders and how to fix them

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I’d like to believe that today’s American youths are more open minded than British elitists circa 1912 (see Pygmalion, by George Bernard Shaw)… or SoCal high school students circa 1999 (see She’s All That* with Freddie Prinze Jr). From my experience, most teenaged guys don’t dismiss possible love connections merely because of a girl’s social status (and if they do, they are jerks not worth getting to know in the first place). I know plenty of guys (myself included) who have looked beyond “popularity” to date some really cool girls.

What more often prevents love connections from developing is a lack of common interests, and therefore, interactions. Sometimes it’s as simple as not being physically around a guy enough to keep him from noticing that you exist. If he doesn’t have the opportunity to hang out with you in the first place, it can be difficult to get his attention.

Fortunately, social status matters less and less as you get older and cliques slowly break apart. My senior year of high school was kinda magical, when social boundaries almost entirely dissipated. Eventually “nerds,” “jocks,” “thugs,” and everyone in between began to hang in larger groups at parties, a phenomenon captured time and time again in movies such as The Breakfast Club and Can’t Hardly Wait. (I like movies, okay??) In college and later, in “the real world,” social confines only continue to blur further.

The best thing you can do right now is to actively make your presence known to him. The next time you see him at lunch, after class, or at a party, introduce yourself! Keep the conversation going by initiating once or twice more. If it’s meant to be, and he’s truly as cool as his popularity suggests, he’ll pick up on the signals and reciprocate. You’ve got nothing to lose!

(*I’m proud to report that this is the second time I’ve referenced that film in this column).

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Is he really busy or is he just blowing me off?

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Attempting to read a new flame’s signals can be frustrating. I remember years ago, after hugging goodbye a not-yet-girlfriend I’d been visiting, I cheerily asked “So I’ll see you soon?” to which she responded, “We’ll see,” before physically pushing me onto a flight back to New York. Unfortunately, I can’t diagnose the interest level of your love interest without more information. But there is a simple test you can use to find out for yourself:

First, I’d quit asking him for immediate plans. While consistent snubs of spur-of-the-moment get-togethers certainly aren’t exactly encouraging, there are also plenty of guys out there who aren’t great with spontaneity and make a ton of plans in advance (like me, for example). You need to eliminate this variable in order to be sure about how he feels.

Next, ask for specific future plans, ideally giving him at least four days advance notice – maybe even a week. If he turns you down because he’s “busy,” but is genuinely interested in you, he’ll most likely offer an alternative date. “Oh, I’d love to,” he might say, “but I’m having dinner with my friend that night. Are you free Thursday, instead?”

If he doesn’t present another option, don’t panic just yet! Instead, spend a week without initiating any contact whatsoever (but feel free to respond to his gestures), and then try once more. If he turns you down a second time without offering to make it up to you, unfortunately, he’s just not feeling it.

Of course, if you want nothing more than a booty call, reach out whenever you please! He may not always come running, but as long as you know what you’re dealing with, you have every right to some casual fun now and then. On the other hand, if you’re looking for a boyfriend, relationship, or just want to know if there’s anything more to him than “sexy abs,” you’ve got to set some rigid boundaries to confirm his commitment!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Why are guys SO afraid of commitment?

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The fact that your boyfriend “gets weird” when his ex’s name is brought up isn’t exactly encouraging – but it’s not a certain indication of any funny business, either. Previous relationships can be complicated, so even if he does still harbor certain uncomfortable feelings for her, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s still in love.

A similar argument applies to the Facebook-checking. Hey, even I still check my ex’s profile once in awhile, and I’m not in love with her… I SWEAR, ALRIGHT!?!?!! A casual glance at an ex’s social media accounts usually has more to do with curiosity and nostalgia than anything else. If he’s checking it every day, however, it might be an indication that your boyfriend hasn’t yet let go of her. Any more than that indicates that you might as well get a restraining order now, because he’s coming for you next.

Since I don’t know you or your boyfriend personally, try testing yourself with the following questionnaire of potential additional signs:

-Has he ever openly compared you to her in discussion?
-Do they still talk on the phone on a regular basis?
-Does he often have trouble going places or doing things that remind him of her?
-Has more than one close friend reported mutually flirtatious behavior when you’re not around?
-Does he have trouble hearing news of her dating other people?
-Do they still hang out on a regular basis? (give yourself 2 checks for this one)
-Has he slipped up and murmured her name in place of yours more than once? (give yourself 2 checks if this happened in the bedroom)

If you can answer yes to three or more of these questions, you might have a problem. Even if he swears they’re just friends – and they very well may be in his mind – he might not be the one in love! In which case, you might have a very different – but equally unhealthy – situation to address.

Finally, remember that the strength of all relationships ultimately depends upon trust. Treating your boyfriend as “innocent until proven guilty”, you need to be able to take what he says at face value. Give it some time, and hopefully, with a bit more experience together, you’ll soon find it easier to trust one another without exception.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

7 signs you’re in a rebound relationship

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Like warm apple pie.

Alright, that was gross. And I stole it from a movie.

But seeing as how plenty of my male friends have mentioned that they’d love to have a vagina for a day – just to see what it’s like – I can imagine many girls have wondered what it’d be like to pee, play, and have sex with a penis.

To best understand what it’s like without undergoing a magical Freaky Friday tradeoff, think of your clitoris as a much smaller, more highly concentrated penis. You’ve got almost twice as many sensitive nerve endings we’ve got in our manhood, but they’re packed into a tiny button. So a guy experiences similar sensations you do when touched or inside of a woman, but perhaps not as intensely.

While we all experience the same four phases in the sexual response cycle (excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution), it generally takes women much longer to climax, whereas it only takes most men two or three minutes. Biological hardwiring allows men to get aroused much more quickly, so give a guy a break if he’s a bit “quick to the draw.”

Perhaps the biggest difference between genders is that far more women are physically capable of having more than one orgasm within a short period while maintaining arousal. Most guys feel like they’ve just run a marathon immediately after ejaculation, and need at least a few minutes (or hours, when the sex takes you to outer space) before they can go again.

Another difference is that a female orgasm can last up three or four times longer than a male’s. Although we experience a quick, incredibly intense burst that ends completely after just a few seconds, ladies can enjoy a longer payoff (look at it as a trade-off for slower arousal time).

Quite a few women have also asked me how condoms affect sex for men. There’s no way around the fact that the additional layer which condoms provide do, in fact, decrease sensation. But I choose to look at delayed gratification as a pro rather than a con – the longer it takes for a guy to orgasm, the more time a woman gets to enjoy herself! And a happier lady means more sex for the guys. Remind your boyfriend of this the next time he tries to complain about condoms!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Do guys tell their friends about sex stuff?

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Though my perspective may be lacking objectivity, hopefully the fact that I’m one of those dudes who’s frightened by commitment makes me more qualified to answer your question. In my case, however, it’s not exclusive relationships I fear, but that ultimate lifelong vow known as “m-a-r-r-i-a-g-e.” (Somehow I believe that by not saying the word out loud I can avoid the act, too.)

See, I’ve always been a serial monogamist – I prefer to romantically focus on one lady at a time. Most of my friends are the same way, but have also nearly pooped their pants when it’s time to take the “big leap.” I talk frequently about this, but monogomy – though more fulfulling than bachelorhood for many reasons – flies in the face of male biological programming to “spread genetic seed.” Though it’s certainly not an excuse for immoral behavior, what drives men to cheat is often what also makes them afraid of commitment.

Of course, there are also plenty of guys with more severe cases of commitment-phobia – those who avoid the terms “girlfriend,” “relationship,” and “exclusive” as if they were the plague. These evasions could be due to a lack of maturity, a bubbling romance with someone else, or, unfortunately, just a simple lack of interest.

Even if a guy does really like you, the bad news is that you can’t “force,” “make,” or “get” him to commit – it’ll only push him away even quicker. The good news, however, is that there are ways to make him feel more comfortable so that he’ll likely want to do it on his own. Though seemingly counter-intuitive, the more space and freedom you give a guy, the more he’ll look forward to spending time with you (and ideally, only you).

The “show, don’t tell,” technique used by story writers can also be applied to an “unofficial” relationship. Demonstrating trust rather than constantly verbally reaffirming it will inevitably enable him to trust you. Live your life, make your own plans, and occasionally flirt with (but don’t touch!) other guys. Expect the same from your man, and if he’s right for you, he’ll make you proud.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Are commitmentphobes big fakers?

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Ain’t the grass always greener on the other side? I know plenty of ladies – as do you – who would kill for your body, and plenty of ladies like you who would do the same for a fuller figure. The same goes for breast size – even though others might be envious of their guy-attracting curves, lots of women can’t stand their voluptuous cup sizes.

I get that what people say about your body makes you feel uncomfortable. You shouldn’t listen to those people!  If you really think gaining a few pounds will significantly boost your self-confidence, then make sure you do so responsibly. Nutrition and exercise are the only truly healthy methods of maintaining proper weight. If you’re not sure where to start, a nutritionist should be able to help you.

Honestly though, the best thing you can do here is just to learn to accept your body as it is. I know, I know – easier said than done, right? But I’ll let you in on a little secret: guys love confidence. If you love what you look like and you own your body, no matter what size it is, dudes will see that and it will effect how they see you. I’m not saying that accepting yourself will make every guy fall head over heels, which brings me to my point…

As for what guys think about skinny girls: The truth is that no matter what your weight is, some dudes will be attracted to you, and some will not. It all comes down to personal preference, and trust me, no two guys have the same taste! (Unless, of course, you’re Drake and Chris Brown. …Wait a minute – who wouldn’t fight for Rihanna?) You simply need to find those guys who will be into you for you – and trust me, there are plenty attracted to your body type! Just be sure you’re managing your weight for you, not for anyone else.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

How much do dudes care about a girl’s weight?

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Hey, girls cheat, too. Did you forget that Kristen Stewart totally screwed over RPatz? In fact, recent studies suggest that women cheat as frequently as men do. But while sexual incompatibility and general unhappiness may lead women astray, men often cheat for very different reasons.

Readers of this column know that I love writing about gender-specific biological differences. More specifically, while males can sexually “reload” in just a few hours (or minutes, for a few lucky future adult film stars), a female theoretically has no reproductive need for sex any more than every nine months (though in reality, any lady with such an exaggeratedly low drive could benefit from a few shirtless Channing Tatum movies). My point is that because male thoughts are more consistently dominated by sex, sexual tension and dissatisfaction in relationships can cause men to cheat.

Of course, other factors – including cultural influence and psychological weaknesses such as low self-esteem – also contribute. Perhaps the biggest problem is that many guys are unable to properly communicate their own personal desires or vulnerabilities to their girlfriends or wives, and thus make terrible mistakes which compromise relationships. It’s not that a cheating guy necessarily doesn’t love you – he’s probably just being too selfish to constructively address the deeper issues at hand.

While men aren’t exactly ideally constructed for monogamy, most understand that if they want to eventually build a family and enjoy a fulfilling relationship with someone whom they can lean on and share their lives with, they must commit to one woman at a time. If a guy isn’t willing to make you his one and only boo, he needs to be up front about it. And if he claims he is but ends up cheating anyway, only you can decide whether to forgive him or not, based on the circumstances of the act of betrayal and the depth of your relationship. I think a one-time “mistake” should be viewed as less serious than an on-going affair. But a history of past cheating or any indications of future “slip-ups” should be viewed as big ol’ red flags – in which case, you need to accept his apparent desire for an “open” relationship, or kick that dog to the curb!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

What should I buy my BF for Valentine’s Day?

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Those who read this column may already know that I’m not a huge fan of Valentine’s Day. All of the expectations and pressure surrounding gift giving can be more detrimental than bond-building. Fortunately, most of the guys I know don’t expect much for the holiday – usually a loving lady’s affection is enough! But let’s say you want to go the extra mile and do something nice for your man on V-Day. I’m here to help! Here’s a quick gift-giving cheat sheet no matter what your Facebook relationship status is:

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Not Yet Exclusive (Or Just a Crush) - BUDGET: $0

Bake! Whether cookies, brownies, or a healthy vegan loaf, baked goods show that you care without investing too much time or money. Short of a commitment, it’s definitely best to keep the gifts homemade - even a card might still be a bit too personal.

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It's Official! (But Under 1 Month) - BUDGET: under $10

At this point, homemade gifts are still a great option: you can up your game to arts and crafts (though nothing too clingy like “Our Day-By-Day History of Love Calendar”), or stick to sweet treats (though I’d skip the vegan loaf this time around). If you must buy something, a goody bag full of candy, toys, and knickknacks based on his various interests might work, too.

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Dating 1-4 months - BUDGET: under $20

It’s too soon to be spending serious dough on this guy, but a small purchased gift is totally appropriate. Make it about the both of you by putting him in a cute t-shirt or a pair of socks that you not only know he’ll like, but that you’d also like to see him in (or on the bedroom floor [winky face]). If you’re feeling a bit insecure about where you’re headed, or want to keep things casual, try putting a romantic spin on electronic accessories - like a new pair of iPhone headphones and a two-way splitter so you can both listen on the bus.

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Dating 4 Months-Year - BUDGET: under $40

Daters in this category have likely already dropped the L bomb, which means that you can now safely invest in the fancy stuff. Cologne is a great gift which he’ll enjoy, and you’ll enjoy even more (which, of course, then means he’ll really enjoy it, if you know what I mean [two winky faces!]). Scent, of course, is entirely subjective, so go with what you like. But for around $40, I prefer Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue pour homme (that means “men”…or maybe it’s short for “homeboys”). My girlfriend and I love it!

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+1 Year - BUDGET: your choice!

You’ve made it this far – at this point you probably know more about your guy than I do! Now you get to treat him to anything you think he’d like best (and your budget will allow). A foot massage and a home-cooked meal? Sure. How about an Amazon Kindle? Sounds great! A Ferrari? Only if you’ll be my girlfriend.

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Hopefully this cleared things up for you girls. Have an awesome Valentine’s Day!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

10 ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone special

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