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When I read this question to my girlfriend, the topic hit so close to home that she had to check her Gmail outbox just to make sure she didn’t submit it herself while sleep-emailing. While guys often criticize girls for “oversharing,” apparently you’re not alone in feeling that guys have a tendency to “undershare.” Even as a dude who considers himself in touch with his emotions (and writes a weekly dating advice column!), I, too am guilty of this habit. However, in order to get your man to open up to you, I think it’s important to understand the difference between male and female communication.

In general, men like to talk in order to solve problems, while women converse in order to process their feelings and work out that which they want to express. Unfortunately, most of us guys view communication as a means to and end rather than as a process of discovery, and we often avoid discussing issues until we’ve figured out how to fix them.

Ultimately, the best thing you can do is to respect your boyfriend’s space; the worst you can do is to nag him or criticize him for being distant. Attacking or attempting to coerce a guy into discussing his emotions will most likely only cause him to retreat further into solitude. Feel free to share your own emotions without expectations of consistent reciprocation, and make it clear that you’re always there for him when he’s ready to talk. Try not to take his male-ness personally! If he’s a guy worth dating, he’ll open up to you on his own with just a little support and patience from the girl he loves.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Do guys get nervous about a first kiss?

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Unfortunately, rejection is always going to hurt someone’s feelings – especially if you’re rejecting someone who has a crush on you. But despite the fact that it’s going to sting no matter what, there are nicer ways to go about it rather than just telling the dude to get lost. I can’t promise that you can keep your friendship intact (things might be sort of awkward), but I can tell you the nicest way possible to let this guy down.

If you’re really stressing over telling your friend you’re not interested in him that way, try a more subtle approach first. Don’t flirt back with him (you may be doing that without even realizing it) and don’t give him too much more attention than you give your other friends. Basically, don’t give him any reason to believe you like him back. You can also drop hints by mentioning other guys you think are cute or talking about your own crush. But don’t go overboard with that. You don’t want to completely kill this dude’s self-esteem.

Really, the best way to do this is to say something and get it over with. If this guy is head-over-heels for you, subtle attempts at letting him know you don’t feel the same way might not work. Has he ever came out and told you he likes you? Or has he ever asked you out? If so, respond by saying that while you love being his friend, you’re just not interested in him that way. I know that sounds harsh, but those simple terms don’t leave much room for a deeper meaning. If you say something like, “I’m not interested right now” or “I’m just not looking for a relationship right now” he might take that to mean that you will be interested in the future, and then you’ll get his hopes up.

If you do end up telling him you’re not interested, follow up that statement by telling him how much his friendship means to you. Let him know that you don’t want this to affect your relationship right now. I can’t say for sure whether or not your friendship will be okay after that. You may need to give him some time to get over the blow before things can go back to normal. If it’s too much for him to stay just friends with you, you need to respect that.

In the end, the best thing you can do is to be honest. Avoiding this guy or just blowing him off is a way of rejecting him, but it’s not a nice way. I mean, let’s be real, there is no nice way to reject someone. But by being truthful and open with the person, you’re showing them that you at least respect them enough to tell them what the deal is. And even if they don’t appreciate that right now, they will eventually.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

How can you stay just friends with a guy who likes you?

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Ugh… emotions and feelings can be so annoying sometimes. Wouldn’t life be so much less messy without them? I guess so… but it would also be a whole lot more boring, when I really think about it. But still – sometimes our feelings can turn on us and make things super complicated. What am I trying to get at it, exactly? That moment when you have feelings for more than one person at one time.

I saw this topic being discussed in the message boards and wanted to see what else you guys had to say about it. Do you think you can be in love with two people at the same time? Or should that kind of love be reserved for only one person? Read what these girls had to say and then tell us your thoughts.

prettygurlkrissy said:
Can you love two people at once? I think that people get too wrapped up in dumb morals that society has set up for us… why is cheating so bad unless you do it to intentionally hurt someone or to feel like pimp? If they don’t know and you love them anyway, why does it matter? But do you think its possible to love more than one person?

shopaholic17 said:
When it comes to love, there is no normal. Feelings are different for everyone. I think it’s definitely possible to love two people at once. That’s not the problem. The problem is, you’re going to have to choose between the two eventually. If you truly care about them both, you won’t want to hurt them. Because even though you can love two people at once, you can never love them equally or have an honest relationship with either.

leslie_love16 said:
In our society, it is morally wrong to cheat and is looked down upon. But if you want to defy the societal norms, then go right ahead. Though you will only end up hurting people and will be looked down upon by others. I think it is possible to love two people at once. But they’re not your true love. You only ever have one true love. 

My opinion? Personally, I’ve never loved two people at once – but I do think it’s possible. We as humans are really complicated and have a lot of different emotions and feelings going on all the time. Of course there are going to be times where we have really strong feelings for two different people at the same time. Sometimes, we can’t control our emotions as much as we wish we could.

What do you think: can you love two people at once? Have you ever been in that situation? If you don’t think it’s possible, tell us why. Talk about it in the comments.

How do you talk to a super shy crush?

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How can I tell the difference between a cold sore and a canker sore?

ChickRx expert Evelyn Resh, Certified Sexuality Counselor and Nurse Midwife, says:

This is a great and important question and I’m sure a lot of people wonder this. So, I’m really glad you asked.

Both a cold sore and a canker sore appear somewhere in or on the oral cavity, which means your mouth. The difference is that a cold sore is caused by the oral herpes virus and a canker sore is caused by other viral infections.

Some differences are that canker sores are generally on your tongue, while cold sores are most often on the lips, side of the mouth, or even immediately beneath the nostrils. Canker sores are very small and very tender and are present for only a few days. Cold sores can last ten days or longer. Canker sores are super sensitive to both cold and hot things and they’re even sensitive to salty sweet foods.

Also interestingly, many people contract oral herpes before the age of five. This typically happens because they have either been kissed on the face or mouth by an adult who has a cold sore and doesn’t realize how contagious it is or from kissing a classmate or sharing food with a friend who has a sore.

If you have oral herpes, it’s critical to remember that unless you are completely free of sores–and I mean completely free, not even a scab on your mouth–don’t kiss a sex partner’s mouth or genitals. You could spread the virus to them. Wait until the sore is completely gone, scab and all, before resuming intimate contact.

There is treatment for herpes that can reduce transmission and shorten the time of the outbreak. These are viral-suppressing drugs that are helpful, especially for people with frequent outbreaks.

I hope the above was helpful. But, if you’re still wondering about your mouth sore, I’d say go to a doctor for an official diagnosis and treatment.

Got more questions? Post them in the comments below or head on over to ChickRx.com.

Can you really be friends with an ex?

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What do you do when your BFF’s boyfriend sucks in a major way? Well, you have to tell her she’s got a bad boyfriend. But, it can be touchy. So, Sara’s here to help with how to tell when you need to say something and how exactly to do it.

Do you know someone with a bad boyfriend? Or do you have a question for Sara? Tell us in the comments!

Should You Take Him Back?!

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So when I met my current boyfriend, I made a promise to myself that I would never be like her or any of the other girls out there who chose their BF over their BFFs. But after a few months spent juggling time with my boyfriend, my friends, my family, my job and my me time, I kind of started to empathize with my old friend: making your buddies a priority when you’re in a serious relationship can be harder than you think.

When you start a new relationship, it’s natural to feel an urge to spend all of your time with your boyfriend. It’s normal to start spending less time with your buddies and more time with your BF – your priorities shift. It happens. But still – it sucks. So here are 10 reasons you absolutely need to make time for your friends, no matter how much cuddle time you want with your guy. Trust me, you’ll appreciate this one day.

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Your BF Shouldn't Be The Center Of Your World

I know your boyfriend is awesome and you're really into him. And there's nothing wrong with giving him a little extra attention. But your BF should never be the only important thing in your life - that's not good for your relationship. Both of you should have other friends and spend time apart once in a while. It's healthy and will help keep things interesting. Plus, if you only rely on him to be your everything, what will you do if things end?

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You Need A Support System

Speaking of breaking up... what if you and your man do end things? Crawling back to your friends for support after you've spent the last few months or years blowing them off is kind of a crappy thing to do. Some of your buddies may not be willing to forgive you, and those who do are still going to feel a little taken advantage of. Even if you guys don't break up, you need your girls so you can vent if you and your BF get into a fight. That's what friends are for!

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Girl Time Is Super Important

You can eat an entire carton of ice cream and a bag of chips with your girls, but you can't really do that with your boyfriend. I mean, you can, whatever, but isn't it more fun to pig out with your friends while gossiping about your celebrity crush? It totally is. Girl time is fun and no one should be missing out on it.

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You Don't Want To Deal With FOMO

What happens when you ditch your friends for your boyfriend and they start hanging out without you? FOMO happens, that's what. In case you didn't know, experiencing the Fear Of Missing Out isn't fun - it's lonely. I'm not saying you have to be with your BFF's every day, but making time for them at least once or twice a week is a must.

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You Don't Want To Hurt Your Friends

The last thing you want to do is be the source of your friends' pain. When you blow off your buddies for a guy, it hurts their feelings, and it may even end up being something they can't get over. Treating your friends badly is only going to make you feel bad in the end.

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You Want Your BFF's To Like Your BF... Right?

I'm assuming you want your friends to be friends with your boyfriend, or at least give him their seal of approval. But guess what? If you keep ditching them for him, they're automatically going to hate him for taking their friend away. And that's not really fair to anyone.

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Who Else Can You Watch Pretty Little Liars With?

Like I said before, girl time is important. There are just some things you can't do with your boyfriend - like watching the winter premiere of Pretty Little Liars. Don't force him to sit through something he doesn't like. Some rituals are best performed with friends.

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Your Friends Need You, Too

Your friends need your support as much as you need theirs. If one of your girls calls you because she needs to vent or get advice, don't leave her hanging. Being a good friend is a really great quality to have - don't let a guy take that away from you.

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Do you have trouble making time for your friends and boyfriend? Have you ever had a friend who ditched you for her relationship? Tell me in the comments.

7 ways to get out of a toxic relationship

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Maintaining a legit friendship with any ex- is tricky stuff – usually because both parties are rarely on the same page.

In my very first post for Gurl.com over a year ago, I granted that if a guy has truly moved on from an ex, he certainly might pursue a friendship with her. This can be very common when the guy is the one initiating the break up, and if you want to remain friends (and think you can move on), there’s no reason why you guys shouldn’t become pals. However, if you’re the one doing the dumping, and you suspect he still has feelings for you, be careful – he might be settling for a friendship out of desperation. Or, he might even have sneakier motives, hoping to eventually re-open the possibility of romance in the near future.

Now, on the opposite end of the spectrum, there are also guys who play the friendship card as an easy way to let a girl down. Girls do this, too. More often than not, younger guys head this direction with the noblest of intentions, assuming that a post-romantic relationship is a preferred possibility (any experienced guy knows that it’s usually not either of these things). But only the jerkiest of jerks will string along a girl under the guise of “friendship” as a means to continue hooking up with her. If it does happen (and unfortunately, it does), feel free to notify your school paper of this dishonest behavior – such creepdom should be broadcast to the entire student body.

Of course, once in awhile, two people will date and realize simultaneously that they’re both better off as platonic buddies, which is certainly ideal. But for the most part, because of all the potential variables and conditions involved with both partners’ feelings, maintaining a friendship with an ex is seldom ever that easy. If you’re determined to make one work, be prepared for some honest, open talks that might take you both into very sensitive territory. It’s not impossible, but it requires patience, maturity, and often, an ability to read between the lines of others’ emotions.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

How do you stay friends with a guy who likes you?

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Sex isn’t something new for me, but lately it’s been painful. Why could this be happening?

ChickRx expert Dr. Kathy McMahon, Clinical Psychologist & Diplomate of Sex Therapy says:

Thanks for writing in. And sorry that sex has been painful for you recently. Sex is something that should be pleasurable, so let’s try and figure out what’s going on and get to the bottom of this sex pain.

I can think of three reasons sex could suddenly start to hurt.

The first cause is what some would call a “bruised vulva.” Your vulva, the outer part of your genitals, can get bruised just like any other part of your body. This can happen from a number of causes–like hitting a hard bump when you’re on a bike or even from sex. The nerves and muscle of your vulva tissue get bruised, but you might not notice right away. Sexual arousal and penetration could cause swelling, which would would irritate your injury and make the bruise more sensitive. The solution here is time. A vulva bruise will heal, just like any other bruise. You might just want to take a break from sex until it does.

The second issue you might be facing is called vulvodynia, which is a burning in your genital region. There are many causes and possible cures for vulvodynia. The issue that I’ve come across most regularly is actually caused by particularly alkaline urine, which basically means the acid levels in the urine are off. The urine splashes up from toileting and creates irritation. One woman I worked with found that taking 1 to 2 grams of calcium ascorbate (a form of Vitamin C) help ease her pain. If you think you could have vulvodynia, I’d recommend going to a doctor for a diagnosis and treatment plan.

Another potential reason is that some women have a hymen that is particularly thick and tough. This will make her first intercourse painful. Following this, there is often little or no pain for quite some time. Then, about a year afterward, the remaining tissue of the now broken hymen gets scarred from repeated intercourse, and eventually stops stretching. This scar tissue could be what’s causing the pain. Again, the fix for this involves going to the doctor for a closer look.

I know that I said it a few times above, but please check in with a doctor. He or she will be able to diagnose you and get you back on the path to pleasurable, pain-free sex!

Got more questions? Post them in the comments below or head on over to ChickRx.com.

Skipping sex ex could lead to sex addiction.

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What is a pap smear? What actually happens during a Pap test?

ChickRx expert Evelyn Resh, Certified Sexuality Counselor & Nurse Midwife says:

Great questions and I’m really glad you asked them.

Going to the gynecologist can be a scary thing if you don’t know what to expect. But once you know the info, it’s far less scary. And once you actually go, you’ll realize that it’s not scary at all.

After your doctor has checked your thyroid gland in your neck, listened to your lungs and heart, done a breast exam and an abdominal exam, he or she will have you remain laying down and then get ready to do your Pap smear.

The first step is to get you into position. There are stirrup-like foot rests on either side of the exam table that you will put your feet into. Your buttocks will need to be at the very edge of the exam table to do this. Your legs have to be spread apart for the exam. As weird as stirrups look, do your best to relax. The exam is much more comfortable if you’re relaxed.

Now that you’re in position, your doctor will first simply look at your external genitals to see if their appearance is normal. Then, a vaginal speculum (a devise designed to open the vagina) will be inserted into your vagina and opened. This will allow your doc to view the inside of the vagina and take a collection of cells from your cervix. This collection of cells is the actual Pap smear.

Most women have very little sensation in their cervix and don’t really feel their Pap smear being done. And even if you do feel it, it isn’t painful. After this, the speculum is closed and pulled out.

The cells collected from the Pap smear will be tested for any abnormalities. This test can help catch the problem cells that lead to cervical cancer.

After the Pap smear, two well lubricated fingers are inserted into your vagina while placing the opposite hand on your lower abdomen and pushing down. This enables the examiner to feel the shape and size of your uterus and to make sure there are no abnormalities on your ovaries and Fallopian tubes.

Once that’s over, that’s it! That’s your entire pelvic exam, Pap smear at all.

I suggest you make a point of telling your doctor that this is your first exam and ask him or her to let you know everything he or she is doing to do BEFORE it’s done. This is a totally normal request for a first timer to the gynecologist.

Got more questions? Post them in the comments below or head on over to ChickRx.com.

Is The Really A Love Potion?

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Read on for tips on having your best year ever!