Chris and I saw each other once or twice after that, but he was cold and I was guilty. Things were so awkward between us that it felt better not to speak. And so slowly we stopped calling each other. A few years after our day at the beach, I didn't even know how to contact him. His parents had divorced and moved. Then he graduated from college and disappeared into the big wide world.
Over the years I've tried to Google him. I've tried looking for him on his college website. I've asked everyone I know who is from Boston if they knew him. But nothing. To this day, I have no idea where he is. Occasionally I'll remember something he said about his sister or his father and I'll try to Google them. But nothing.
Since then, my heart has been broken by people who cheated on me, but claimed to love me. And it makes me want to call him and tell him how I feel. How sorry I am that I wrecked our romantic dream because I forgot, for a minute, how important it is to love openly and innocently. And I forgot--no, didn't even realize--how special what we had was. It may not have lasted--we were young and growing apart--but I'll never know. And I'll never have another first love. And neither will he. -- cathy halley
