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Yeah, I've got a pretty nice rack. Full, if not perky. Two nipples, everything roughly the same size. It's a 36C situation, not too big or too small. "Just right," some would say.
But I'm not bragging.
I'd rather not be so well-endowed in that area. What's my problem? Well, I'm a butch dyke, and frankly, I wish my chest was flat. You know, for the smooth T-shirt effect. To go along with my look, which is basically that of a scrawny 16 year-old boy, except with, um, hugely developed pectoral muscles.
Over the years I've tried a lot of different tactics to get that flat chest I feel is the real me. I spent most of high school wearing XXL everything, hunching my shoulders in emo-kid style, and avoiding any occasion that might require a bathing suit.
Now sometimes I want to rock a tight shirt, so I bind my chest with an ace bandage, which is what old-school butches do.
As much as I like how I look with my breasts bound, I don't do it all the time. If I lift something up or play sports, the ace bandage rides up. Then I have to adjust it, which is just plain awkward. And if I bind too tightly, it's kind of hard to breathe. This worried me, so I asked my doctor if I might be compromising my health in any way by binding. She didn't think so, but different people say different things about this. My girlfriend says I'm constricting my heart chakra. Apparently that's no good.
So what are my options? Some people I know who were born female but identify as male or as transgendered get chest surgery to remove their breasts entirely. Friends of mine have had this surgery and feel more at home in their bodies afterwards. I've thought about it myself. But I've decided that route isn't for me.
So mostly I just wear a really snug sports bra and a few layers of T-shirts.
I've had to do a lot of work over the years to love my body the way it is. My femme girlfriend likes the body I have and appreciates my contradictions. Me, I'm still working on it.
--Andrea
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