Most teens know what physical abuse is, but are less familiar with emotional or sexual abuse. Can you talk a little about different types of abusive relationships?
It's ironic, but I believe the physical abuse happens less often. We just don't hear those horrific stories of physical abuse that we used to hear. It seems that teens have become more sophisticated now, and the abuse is predominately emotional. When your partner tries to "cut you down to size" or criticizes the way you look (criticizing weight is a big one), or calls you stupid; all of those are examples of emotional abuse. It's a way of making sure you don't leave the relationship because they have torn down your self-confidence and you don't believe anyone else would be interested in you.
Sexual abuse is pretty rampant too; I hear stories all the time about forced oral between partners. Teens seem to think it is pretty normal and just an expected part of a relationship. If they don't do it, their partner will leave. Another recent development is the tracking (stalking?) of the partner. With today's technology, it can become impossible for a teen to ever get away and have any privacy if his or her partner wants to know his or her every move. I hear stories of cell phone calls every 10 minutes, constant instant messaging, even accounts of the partner paying for and giving a cell phone to him or her.
How would you define a healthy relationship?
The couple is not connected at the hip! I like to see relationships where each person has his or her own activities and friends apart from the partner. So many times, couples are together constantly and they cut out all their other friends and activities. That is unhealthy.
A teen should be free to have a boyfriend, yet at the same time be a member of a sports team, go to practice, travel to out of town games, have girlfriends, go to the mall with girlfriends, etc. When the relationship is just the two partners together, exclusively, the trouble begins.
What advice would you give to a teen girl in an abusive relationship?
She has to recognize that the relationship is unhealthy and needs to decide that she wants out. Until that happens, nothing anyone will say or do will make a difference. She needs to see it herself! Once she sees that, then my advice would be to end it firmly and finally. No false hopes, no waffling and saying that they can remain friends. It seems cruel, but it is crucial that the abuser knows it is over. Then, if the situation seems dangerous, the teen needs to enlist some help to keep herself safe.
What is a "good" or "safe" way to leave an abusive relationship?
To be firm and final. I can't stress this enough. There is no nice way to break it off. Continuing to talk to the abuser will only prolong the situation. Changing phone numbers would be a good idea. If the situation gets dangerous, then definitely contact the police and/or seek out the assistance of a domestic violence prevention agency that would help secure a restraining order.
If you could say one thing to teens today what would it be?
It's hard to imagine, but this relationship [an unhealthy relationship] is not the most important relationship you will have in your life. It should be a time in your life to have fun, not to feel controlled and constantly worried. Controlling someone else never gets you what you want--in fact you end up losing what you want.
When I think of Jenny, I know that she deeply cared for Mark, but she was sick of his behavior. It was his behavior that led her to break it off. She never stopped caring for him. But Jenny did not want to be controlled (and who does?). She was tired of being checked in on all the time, and [she was tired] of being "read the riot act" every time she went out with her friends or wasn't home to answer the phone. That's how Mark lost her, not because she fell out of love with him.
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