Hi Heather,

I’m 16 and recently my boyfriend and I have been sexually active. One night the condom broke, and he instantly pulled out. He said this has happened to him before and that I don’t have anything to worry about because he knew right away when it happened. I’m still questioning myself… could I be pregnant? I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Dear Heather,

Help! I am 15 years old and in January I lost my virginity. It was with a boy who I had known for two years and had very strong feelings for, but I didn’t have a proper relationship with him. We met up a few times a week for that full two years to hook up. One night things got rather carried away and we had sex, it was nothing like I wanted it. I wanted my first time to be really special, but it wasn’t.

A month has passed, and now the boy I did it with only talks to me when the conversation has something to do with sex. I thought I trusted him and I thought he wouldn’t just stop talking to me after we did it. I’m starting to get really paranoid that he might have just been talking to me just so he could sleep with me. Right after we did it, he started going out with another girl and I was so confused. Because I had sex with him, my feelings did grow stronger, and now I’m always upset.

I wish I could go back in time and change everything, but I can’t. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

Dear Heather,

I was in a relationship with my ex for a year and two months, but we broke up a few weeks ago. I want to get back with him, but he only wants to be friends with benefits… Is that a good idea?

Hi Heather,

I have severe trust issues. Honestly, I haven’t even been in many relationships, but I’ve just witnessed growing up how my father and mother were in their relationship (he cheated), so I caught on and so forth. I want love and affection from a guy that cares about me. But I don’t trust them. I believe that all guys will cheat on me. I mean, do you actually think that there are some guys out there who doesn’t cheat? At all? Because I don’t. I just want to cry when I think about a guy cheating on me. That’s why I never give them a chance. I just don’t want to waste my time. Are there any good guys out there?? Help please.

Ethan: Okay so I was talking to this guy for a few weeks and right after I told him I’m waiting to have sex til marriage he completely ignored me. Like didn’t call or text or see me ever again. But my question is: will guys that really love you wait for you? And is it better to have sex for the first time with someone experienced or the same as you?

First, the honest truth: the vast majority of American men (and women) engage in premarital sex. Combine this with the raging sexual drive of the pubescent male, and it becomes easier to foresee that a teenaged crush would bail at the first whiff of female chastity.

Ideally, a guy that’s interested in you for realsies shouldn’t have a problem with waiting for your relationship to develop before going all the way. He should realize that true love is founded in emotional connection, and that physical chemistry can be established in activities short of sex. Still, in the future you might want to refrain from announcing a commitment to abstinence until the relationship further solidifies, not only because it can shut down less mature guys, but because your beliefs may evolve with time as well. Even if casual sex might forever be out of the question, many unwed couples eventually desire more intimacy and decide to lose their virginity in a monogomous relationship.

Finn waited for Rachel to be ready...

My first time was with my equally inexperienced high school girlfriend, and while both of us sustained multiple awkward injuries (“You’re crushing my arm!”), knowing we were on the same level took the pressure off of performance. On the other hand, an experienced partner—while potentially more intimidating—can help guide you through your first time. So there’s really no prototype for the ideal first lover – their level or lack of proficiency is much less important than how comfortable you feel with the person in general.

But ultimately, if you’d definitely prefer to wait until marriage, then forget about the neanderthal. Find a more mature guy to love you for who you are. In the end, when to have sex is entirely your decision, and you need to be with someone who will respect your wishes (and, hopefully, is really good at making out).

Dear Ethan,

I know my boyfriend watches porn and it kind of freaks me out. Is a guy watching pornographic movies something to be worried about?

As I mentioned in a previous post, studies show that men do think about sex more than women. Perhaps because of this, men masturbate more than women (shocking, I bet, to anyone who’s ever met a man), which studies such as the famous “Kinsey Reports” also show. But why do some of us need porn to get the job done?

According to Nature Neuroscience, men are more responsive to sexually arousing images, as opposed to women, who are more easily satisfied using their imaginations. Men are biologically “programmed” for quick arousal in order to potentially reproduce easily and often. And online porn, of course, not only provides a deluge of visual stimulation, but is instantly accessible.

Now, there are some (like Dr. Phil, for example) who believe that watching porn is a form of cheating. I think that only makes any sense if you also believe that all masturbation is cheating – because trust me, with or without porn, no man is thinking of the same person every time he masturbates. In addition, I know of no study which has found any correlation between porn-watching and cheating in real life. In fact, I would argue that for many men, porn offers an outlet that greatly lessens the possibility of cheating.

If he's checking this out, he could actually be less likely to cheat.

I believe that pornography only poses a threat to your relationship if the guy is being evasive or lying about it, is increasingly losing interest in the bedroom, or neglecting other responsibilities because of porn. Any of these symptoms may be signs of actual addiction — in which case, it’s time to call the producers at A&E’s Intervention.

So casual porn watching is not only something to not worry about, it can also be very healthy. If you’re willing to experiment, it might even be a good idea to try watching porn with him some time. Sharing an experience like that might benefit your relationship sexually or emotionally. Or at the very least, you’ll share a laugh over a ridiculous “pizza delivery guy” plotline or two.

Good luck!
Ethan

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Hi Ethan,

What does it mean when your boyfriend says hes not in the mood for sex when he usually is? What guy wouldn’t want it if he was offered? I don’t understand… could there be someone else?

I know, it’s hard to believe that any guy would turn down sex. With our constant ogling and undying urges, what breast-and-butt-addicted animal would refuse a free fix?

Alright, so maybe we don’t actually think about sex every seven seconds, but a recent study by Ohio State University reveals that men do, in fact, think about it twice as much as women. Human beings are biologically driven to reproduce and protect their own genes—and while women do this by carrying a baby for nine months, a man can theoretically continuously spread his seed, which might promote an increased male sex drive.

Of course, such primitive motives have been watered down immensely in modern times. We’ve come a long way since our caveman days! The modern man is certainly more sensitive and emotional than ever before, and traditional gender roles continue to blur further. Perhaps it occurs less frequently than amongst women, but it is possible for a guy who’s feeling especially depressed, distracted, or insecure to not be in the mood for sex…even if he finds you attractive.

Sean didn't want to get down with Hanna on Pretty Little Liars

So I would take his initial declining of sex at face value. If you have a strong relationship to begin with, ask him what’s wrong and believe his answer. A more important gauge is how your boyfriend acts within the rest of the relationship. Is he distant in conversation? Has he been cancelling or avoiding plans? If his disinterest in sex continues for a longer period or broadens in other ways, it could be indicative of a larger problem which should be addressed. But don’t jump to the conclusion that your man is cheating from one isolated incident… he might just be feeling fat and bloated from that bean burrito he ate at lunch.

Dear Heather,

I am almost positive I have a vaginal infection. I am a teenager, and I don’t fully know about possible infections and their symptoms. I’ve had vaginal odor for a while now, and I have waited a very long time to look it up. In about the past week, it has gotten horrible. It’s also me and my boyfriend’s anniversary today, so sometime this week we were planning on losing our virginity to each other. I may have to postpone that. Because I self-diagnosed an infection, I know I need to go to my mom to bring me to the OB/GYN. But the problem is, I am nervous to have someone looking down there. Any tips to help me be more secure about it?

It’s completely understandable that you’re nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Here’s the unfortunate truth: a trip to the gyno’s office is never going to be particularly fun. But I can guarantee that it’s probably not going to be as bad as you think it will be.

First things first: if you think you have an infection, you definitely need to tell your mom and get yourself over to the doctor. Some vaginal infections will heal themselves, but others won’t, and they need to be treated, especially if you’ve had it for a while. I don’t know your symptoms and I’m not a doctor, so I can’t tell you that you definitely have one. But if you have a strong odor, more discharge than usual, and any kind of discomfort down there, you should definitely get checked out.

That thing looks much worse than it is.

That being said, this is nothing to be embarrassed about. gURLs get vaginal infections all the time. While it might be super uncomfortable, it’s totally normal, nothing to be ashamed of, and you can get infections without even being sexually active.

And if you’re worried about your doctor looking at your vagina, you shouldn’t be. This might sound a little weird, but a gynecologist has seen a lot of vaginas, and she or he definitely isn’t going to judge you or be shocked by anything. It might feel extremely awkward to have someone up close and personal down there, but just think of it as that this is his/her job. Asking to see a female doctor might make you more comfortable, too.

When you’re there, your doc will probably do something called a pap smear, where a metal speculum (sort of like kitchen tongs!) is used to open up your vagina so it can be checked more thoroughly. Having this done doesn’t affect your virginity, and it’s only uncomfortable for a couple seconds. The more you relax, the easier it’ll be.

Long story short, the gynecologist’s office isn’t nearly as bad as people say, and that you’ll be so glad you went when you’re all healthy and better.

take care,

heather

Hi Heather,

I am almost 16 and I want to go on the pill. I am not very close to my doctor (like I haven’t even met him yet, just his assistant.) I am not planning on having sex but I want it as a back up just in case. My problem is that I don’t want my mom to know about it. How can I see my doctor without her knowing? I understand that my doctor can’t say anything to her but I am under such a close eye with my mom. What should I do?

I think it’s great that you’re planning so far in advance about protecting yourself during sex. However, and I know you don’t want to hear this, but it would also be great for you to talk about it with your mom too.

Keeping this a secret from your mom is possible, but could be tough. Not only are you going to be stressing over whether she’s going to catch you in this lie, but you’re also going to have to handle the cost of the Pill on your own. And it can wind up costing quite a bit. Planned Parenthood gives teens free birth control without telling their parents, but if you go through a regular doctor (which it sounds like you’re planning on), then you have to pay for it. Also, paying for the pill through health insurance will be cheaper than going without, but your health insurance is probably through your parents. So, you mom would find out that way.

If you really feel like you can’t tell your mom, then I’d suggest finding a Planned Parenthood near you. While you shouldn’t be lying to your parents, when it comes to sex, it’s certainly better to be safe than sorry. And cost shouldn’t prevent you from making smart sexual health decisions. But before you go for the Pill on the sly, try explaining the situation to your mom first. Maybe she’ll understand better than you think.

Also, keep in mind that the Pill does not protect against STD’s or AIDS. Always use a condom no matter what!

WDYT, gURLs? Are you secretly on the Pill? How should this gURL talk to her mom about going on birth control? Give us your advice and discuss below.

take care,

heather