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Unfortunately, rejection is always going to hurt someone’s feelings – especially if you’re rejecting someone who has a crush on you. But despite the fact that it’s going to sting no matter what, there are nicer ways to go about it rather than just telling the dude to get lost. I can’t promise that you can keep your friendship intact (things might be sort of awkward), but I can tell you the nicest way possible to let this guy down.

If you’re really stressing over telling your friend you’re not interested in him that way, try a more subtle approach first. Don’t flirt back with him (you may be doing that without even realizing it) and don’t give him too much more attention than you give your other friends. Basically, don’t give him any reason to believe you like him back. You can also drop hints by mentioning other guys you think are cute or talking about your own crush. But don’t go overboard with that. You don’t want to completely kill this dude’s self-esteem.

Really, the best way to do this is to say something and get it over with. If this guy is head-over-heels for you, subtle attempts at letting him know you don’t feel the same way might not work. Has he ever came out and told you he likes you? Or has he ever asked you out? If so, respond by saying that while you love being his friend, you’re just not interested in him that way. I know that sounds harsh, but those simple terms don’t leave much room for a deeper meaning. If you say something like, “I’m not interested right now” or “I’m just not looking for a relationship right now” he might take that to mean that you will be interested in the future, and then you’ll get his hopes up.

If you do end up telling him you’re not interested, follow up that statement by telling him how much his friendship means to you. Let him know that you don’t want this to affect your relationship right now. I can’t say for sure whether or not your friendship will be okay after that. You may need to give him some time to get over the blow before things can go back to normal. If it’s too much for him to stay just friends with you, you need to respect that.

In the end, the best thing you can do is to be honest. Avoiding this guy or just blowing him off is a way of rejecting him, but it’s not a nice way. I mean, let’s be real, there is no nice way to reject someone. But by being truthful and open with the person, you’re showing them that you at least respect them enough to tell them what the deal is. And even if they don’t appreciate that right now, they will eventually.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

How can you stay just friends with a guy who likes you?

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Ouch. I’m sure we’ve all felt your pain at some point, girl. Ingrown hairs are super annoying, but fortunately there are a few ways that you can try preventing them.

Shaving is the main cause of ingrown hairs, so the best possible way to prevent them from coming would be to stop shaving altogether. It’s totally understandable if that’s not an option – however, if it’s possible for you to start getting waxed down there rather than shaving yourself, you may want to try that. Although waxing still leaves room for ingrown hairs, it isn’t as bad as shaving as is.

If you’d like to keep shaving it yourself, there are a few easy ways to help prevent these pesky little hairs. Make sure you’re changing your razor blade on a regular basis. Dull blades can not only cause ingrown hair, but they’re also more painful in general.  Be sure you’re moisturizing your down there area before you shave. The best time to shave is when you’re in the shower or right after a hot shower, when the skin is softer and the hair is easier to pull out. Use a moisturizing shaving cream instead of a bar of soap.

Also make sure that when you shave, you’re shaving in the direction that the hair grows. Don’t just shave in every direction possible. Also, don’t shave over one section too many times. If none of that helps, maybe try an alternate way of removing hair.

If you do get a super painful ingrown hair, try using some of these products to soothe it. Mainly, you just need to be careful about how you’re shaving. Take your time and go slowly.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

I shaved down there and now it’s all bumpy. WTF?!

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While it’s try that we can’t always help who we fall for, there are some situations where it’s best to try to forget about the person we’re crushing on. This may be one of those situations, although that’s entirely up to you. What you need to do right now is decide whether you want to stay besties with your BFF or whether you want to take a chance and admit your feelings to this dude. Unfortunately, you need to make this decision on your own, but fortunately, I can try to help out a little.

If you really want to tell this guy how you feel, you need to consider what could happen. One scenario is that he feels the same way and dumps his GF – and you’ll probably lose your best friend. Another scenario is that he chooses his GF over you, and you not only lose him, but also probably your bestie. You need to seriously consider if you’re willing to lose your BFF over this guy. It’s important to keep in mind that even if you pursue a relationship with him, it might not work out perfectly, and in the end, you’ll be left without a best friend.

It’s also important to remember that stealing her boyfriend from her is going to hurt your best friend a lot. While I’m not saying you have to put her happiness over your own, I do think it’s a good idea to keep in mind that hurting her and losing her may end up making you feel more lonely and guilty than before.

The other option here is to try to forget about this guy. Honestly, I think that’s your best option. For one thing, it’s really not cool of him to be flirting and spending a lot of time with his girlfriend’s best friend. For another thing, forgetting about this guy is going to keep your friendship with your BFF intact – and sometimes, having a loyal friend is even better than having a boyfriend.

Unless you feel like this guy is the love of your life, I would suggest that you try to move on and find someone else to crush on. If you never make a move on him, there’s no need to tell your bestie about your feelings. And who knows? You two could even end up together in the future, when things aren’t so complicated.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

Is it a really bad idea to sext a friend?
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It’s great that you feel ready to open about your sexuality to your family and friends. I can completely understand feeling scared or nervous about this – it’s a big step to take and can be very scary. While this may not be an easy thing for you to go through, I think you’ll feel better once you get this off your chest. I can’t promise that absolutely everyone will accept you for who you are immediately, but I can tell you that continuing to keep your sexuality a secret is something that will make you unhappy. It’s better to be honest with everyone when you’re ready.

Now, how do you tell people? I would start by telling the person you feel most comfortable with, whether that’s your mom, your grandma or your best friend. Telling one person who you feel really close to will probably help you tell everyone else – it’s good practice. Let this person know that you really want to share something important with them that’s a pretty big deal to you. There’s no simple way to go about this – you pretty much just have to come out and say, “I’m bisexual.” You can go into whatever detail you want, that’s up to you. Explain that you’re telling them because they’re an important part of your life and you would love if they could accept your sexuality.

Once you tell that one person, start figuring out who else you want to tell personally. Do it however you want, whether it’s in a group or individually. Let everyone know that this is an important part of who you are and you don’t want to have to hide your sexuality anymore.

Honestly, there may be some people in your life who don’t want to accept this about you. Please remember that that is their problem, not yours. You didn’t do anything wrong by admitting that you’re bisexual and there’s nothing wrong with being bisexual. If that’s something they don’t agree with, then they need to figure it out on their own. You have to continue to do what makes you happy, regardless of how others feel.

Good luck! Coming out takes a lot of courage and it’s really admirable that you’re ready to take that step. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad about who you are, and lean on the people who support you. You can’t change who you are and you never need to defend your sexuality.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

How to deal with lesbian rumors

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Before I give you some advice, I just want to give you major props for having the courage to tell your crush how you feel about him. That isn’t easy and it takes a lot of guts. I know things didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to, but you should still be proud of yourself for being able to speak your mind.

As for changing this guy’s mind? I hate to say this, but I’m afraid that probably won’t happen. I know you’re hurting from being rejected and I can completely understand why you want to try to turn things around here. But when it comes to rejection, the best thing to do is to move on and forget about it.

Here’s the thing: trying to change his mind is only going to make you look a little silly. If he already told you he isn’t interested and he’s made it known that he has feelings for your friend, well, then that’s that. It’s nearly impossible to change the way someone feels about someone else – that’s a personal thing and not something for you to try to mess with. Any attempts at making your friend look bad and making yourself look better are only going to come off as a little desperate and probably push both of them away from you.

But forget about what you look like to them – focusing your time and energy on trying to make someone like you is only going to make you feel bad about yourself. You don’t want to lower your own self-esteem trying to be the kind of girl this guy is into. If he’s not into you, then it’s his loss. He’s missing out! If he’s ever going to come to the conclusion that he made the wrong choice, he’ll have to do that on his own, without your help.

So for now, try to take a step back from this situation and forget about it. I know it hurts and I know it stinks, but this isn’t the last guy you’ll have a crush on. Not everyone is always going to like us in this world and that’s okay. Focus on being your awesome self rather than trying to convince him to like you. You’re so much better than that!

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

Ask A Guy: How to deal with rejection

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It stinks to be in this situation. I hear from a lot of girls who are worried about their boyfriend’s best girl friends, and while I can understand why they’re feeling stressed about it, I can also understand it from your point of view. If you really don’t want to lose this guy as your BFF, there are a few things you can do to make this whole thing a little easier.

It sounds like you need to get to know his girlfriend. Right now, she knows nothing about you except what she’s heard, so of course she’s intimidated by your relationship with her BF. You have a better chance at staying his friend if she becomes your friend also. Third wheel it with the two of them one day and get to know her. Show her as much attention as you show your friend and make her feel included. It might take more than one hangout sesh to get her comfortable with you, so just keep being friendly.

Don’t bring up the unspoken tension between the three of you – that will just make things awkward. But if she brings it up, explain to her how you feel. Let her know she has nothing to worry about and you just want to be friends with her BF.

If she refuses to budge and he listens to her, then there’s not much you can do since you can’t make your friend go against her. Try to stay friendly with him if you can, but it might be best to back off for a little bit, as much as that stinks for you. If you push yourself into their lives, it’s going to make her resent you more. Backing off for a little while while they establish their relationship might be a good thing. A few months into it, you can try being really friendly with him again and maybe things will change.

And if he ditches you for good? That’s his loss. If he can’t stand up to his girlfriend for his friends, then he’s got some stuff he needs to work on.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

 What do you do when your BF has low self-esteem?

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I’m so sorry you feel this way! You should never be made to feel worthless by anyone, especially people who are supposed to be your best friends. It stinks that they’re leaving you out and I don’t blame you for feeling so down about this.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen this happen more than once in groups of friends, especially three friends – one girl always seems to get pushed to the side while the other two girls get closer and closer. Sometimes this is an honest mistake. It’s natural for some friendships to get stronger during a period of time while others get weaker. It’s possible that your friends don’t realize just how much they’re leaving you out and hurting you.

Try talking to them about this again, and maybe this time, talk to them each one-on-one. Explain to both of them exactly how you feel – hurt, lonely, sad and confused. Let them know how much you care about them and how much their friendship means to you. Tell them you’re not trying to tear them apart, but you would like for things to go back to the way they were when the three of you hung out all the time.

If they apologize and seem sincerely sorry and make an effort to include you, then great! Make an effort to keep yourself included. Don’t always wait for them to call or ask you to hang out. If you see them leaving class together, join them. If you overhear them making plans, ask if you can come. You don’t have to be super pushy, but asking if you can come along once in a while might help things.

If things between the three of you start to seem awkward or weird or really forced, or if they don’t change at all after your second talk, then I’m sorry to this, but you guys might have just grown apart. This happens a lot in friendships, sometimes no matter how much we want it to. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling sad. Losing a friend is sad and it’s okay to feel bummed out about it.

But what you should never feel is worthless, stupid or not good enough for people. If your friends don’t want to make time for you, then they’re the ones who are missing out. Try to forget about them as much as possible and move on to friends who care about you and love you. Try getting closer to your other friends by hanging out and talking to them more. Short on pals? Get yourself involved in a fun after school activity or just try striking up a convo with that girl who seems cool in your gym period. Making new friends is easier than you think.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

5 signs that you’re in a toxic relationship

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This is definitely a tough situation – you’re stuck between being loyal to your best friend and doing the right thing. I’m not sure why your friend is bullying this girl, but I do know that she shouldn’t be. Bullying stinks, and no one deserves to deal with it. You might not be able to stop her actions, but you can do something to stand up for the girl she’s picking on.

The first thing you should do here is talk to your friend. Don’t attack her or start a fight with her. Gently ask her what’s wrong. A lot of the time when someone becomes a bully, it’s because something bad is going on in their own lives and they’re looking for someone to take their anger out on. Maybe she’s having issues at home or at school or with other friends. Or maybe she’s having self-esteem issues. There’s also the possibility that she has some kind of personal problem with this girl. Maybe she’s jealous of something, or angry at her for something she didn’t tell you about.

Try to get to the bottom of the issue by reminding her that you care about her and you can tell there’s something going on. If she refuses to talk about it or insists that there’s nothing wrong in her life, tell her you don’t understand why she’s picking on her, and it’s making you upset to see her act like such a bully. Again, don’t get too angry with her, that will only make her defensive.

If your BFF totally blows you off and the bullying continues after your talk, then start sticking up for this girl on your own. It takes guts to go against your friends, but in situations like these, it’s worth it. It’s time to go to a parent or teacher. I know you don’t want to get your friend in trouble, but like I said, bullying is serious. Your friend may need to talk to a professional about what’s going on in order to stop her teasing. In the end, you’ll feel much better knowing that you did the right thing here.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

My BF wants to take a break – should we?

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This post written in partnership with Secret Mean Stinks. 

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I’m going to be totally honest with you here: taking a break is almost never a good idea. It’s a pretty lame way to hold onto someone because you’re too afraid to let them go completely. It sounds like your boyfriend wants to break up – but he doesn’t want to lose you entirely, just in case he changes his mind. Saying you’re “taking a break” instead of totally breaking up is his way of keeping you exactly where he wants you until he decides exactly what he wants. In other words? It’s selfish, and it’s not fair to either of you.

If that doesn’t convince you not to go through with this, think of it this way: you could get seriously hurt from this break. Once you’re officially “on a break”, your guy might take it to mean that he’s officially single for a month. That means he can be with other girls – and that is only going to make you insanely jealous. If that’s the case, you can be with other guys too. But if you guys do end up back together after that month apart, anything that happened with other people is going to cause a lot of fighting and hurt feelings.

Taking a break also makes moving on that much harder. If you guys don’t get back together after that month apart, there’s a chance you might get your heart broken all over again. Despite what happens during that month, you’re going to have some sort of hope that you’ll end up back with him. And if you don’t? That’s going to seriously suck.

And, I’m sorry, but he wants to see how much he actually loves you? Um, yeah girl, I think you should break up with this dude. Not only is that a completely insensitive thing to say (even if you’re thinking it, don’t say it – it’s just mean), but also? You deserve a guy who doesn’t doubt whether or not he loves you. And if this guy is doubting it… then he’s just not worth your time.

All in all, taking a break just isn’t fair for you. It’s not fair for your BF to make you wait around a month while he tries to decide what he wants from your relationship. Tell him that if he needs to figure things out, then you’re going to have to officially break up. If you two are meant to get back together, you will. But don’t give yourself false hope or waste your time waiting for him. Let him figure things out on his own while you move on and do what makes you happy.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

5 reasons why taking a break rarely works out

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Honestly? No, I don’t think you should be in a friends with benefits type of relationship with this dude. Why? Because it seems like you have very strong feelings for this guy – and trying to have sex with no strings attached when you really like a guy is a recipe for heartbreak and disaster. Getting yourself into a FWB relationship is only going to make things much more complicated for you.

I can totally understand that you want to at least be with this guy in some way. We’ve all been there, and we all know how much that feeling stinks. But you obviously want this dude to be your boyfriend, and he doesn’t want that – he even said it straight up to you. You shouldn’t lower your standards just so that you can be with him a little bit, because in the end, that is never going to make you happy.

I mean, yeah, it might make you happy in the moment, when you two are cuddling in his bed. But what about the next few days, when you haven’t heard from him? Or what about if you see him flirting with another girl? Or if you hear about him actually being with another girl? That’s going to really, really hurt.

While FWB’s can be fun at times, they almost never end well – especially when you go into the situation with strong feelings for the other person. Yes, it’s possible for him to change his mind, but honestly, it most likely won’t happen. You can’t go into this thinking that he might end up being your boyfriend, because those expectations are too high for a strictly hook-up relationship.

Honestly, this dude is basically asking if he can use you for sex. If you didn’t like the guy, and you wanted the same thing, then I would say try it. But you do want something more, which is why it’s a bad idea for you to get involved with him like this. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be willing to settle down now. Sometimes, it’s better to leave a guy hanging then to give him exactly what he wants. Maybe if he sees what he’s missing out on, he’ll change his mind about you. And if not? Well, it’s his loss.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

Ask A Guy: How do I make my FWB my BF?

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