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Is It Normal For My Parents To Have Sex?

Heather — Fri, 03 Aug 2012 17:00:58 +0000

ICK. Don’t want to think about it! | Source: ShutterStock

Hi Heather,

I was just wondering… is it normal for my parents to have sex? The other day, I went into my parents’ drawer to get my watch, and I found a 12-pack of condoms. To top that off, last summer, I had a nightmare and went to sleep in my mom’s bed because I got freaked out. Once I was in her bed, I put my hand under the pillow and there was a condom. I got up and left, totally weirded out. Is this normal?

While it may be totally weird and creepy and icky to think about, the truth is is that it’s perfectly normal for your parents to have sex. In fact, it’s probably actually a good thing that they’re getting busy with each other – it most likely means that their relationship is healthy and, well, passionate. Good news! Gross news, but still good.

Here’s the thing: for most relationships, sex is a great way to stay intimate and to keep a marriage exciting. When parents hook up, that most likely means they’re still attracted to each other and they still love each other. I know that it sometimes seems like sexy times is something that only happens to younger people, but that’s totally not true. Sex is a completely normal part of any relationship, no matter how old you are. Think about it this way: if your parents weren’t getting frisky in the bedroom, you never would have been born!

Try to put your condom discoveries behind you. If you’d rather not be reminded of your parents’ sex life, try to stay out of their bedroom as much as possible. As weird as it may be for you, your parents do have a right to have a little privacy behind closed doors.

Yes, it’s super icky to know stuff about your parents sex life. No one wants to think about their parents getting it on, so I totally don’t blame you for feeling freaked out here. But the bottom line is that you shouldn’t feel too weird about this. Your parents aren’t doing anything wrong here – they’re just enjoying themselves! Just try your hardest not to think about it, and you should be good.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

So what if you HEAR your parents having sex? Here’s how to deal

How Do I Tell My Parents I Have A Boyfriend?

Heather — Fri, 11 May 2012 17:00:15 +0000

Um... awkward, much? | Source: ShutterStock

Dear Heather,

My parents have something against me and guys. Like, my mom always gives me this serious look whenever I’m talking to any boy, no matter how old he is. He may even just be my friend and it’s still a problem for them.

There’s this guy I’ve liked for a while, and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Of course I said yes, and we’re in a relationship right now. I wish I could enjoy it, but I’m so scared of my parents finding out! How do I get them to understand that I’m not their little girl anymore? How do I tell them I have a boyfriend?

I can totally understand your frustration here. You love and respect your parents, but at the same time, you want to do what makes you happy. Dealing with parents who are a little strict or who see things completely differently than you do can be super difficult – but luckily, not impossible!

First of all, I’m glad you realize that you need to come clean and be honest with your mom and dad. Lying about having a boyfriend and sneaking around behind their backs is only going to lead to a really stressful situation for you and your boo. But don’t just spring this on them – you need to find a time to talk to them calmly. Tell them that you met a really great guy who asked you to be his girlfriend and explain that you really like him and he makes you really happy. Let them know that while you want to respect their wishes and be honest with them, you also really want to be with this guy.

Aw! This is probably how they still see you. | Source: ShutterStock

If they start to freak out, let them know you’re willing to work with them on this. For example, reassure them that it’s not going to affect your schoolwork. Suggest letting them meet him, if you’re comfortable with that. If they lay down a few rules, like giving you a curfew or saying you can’t go out with him on weeknights, agree to them. You can always talk to them about changing these rules in the future – but if you flat-out refuse to do them now, that’s only going to them angry.

Remember to stay calm and mature through the whole convo… and lastly, be gentle with them. I don’t know how old you are or if you have any brothers or sisters, but I’m assuming that the reason your parents don’t want you around guys is because they’re worried about you. They’re probably just trying to protect you and I’m sure they don’t want to see you get hurt in any way. As much as you don’t want them to see you as their little girl, they probably still do, and you having a BF is going to be a big adjustment for them.

Make sure to keep in mind that arguing, yelling or acting stubborn isn’t going to help this situation at all. Hopefully, they’ll have a positive reaction, but if not, just give them some time to get used to the idea. The more mature you act, the better!

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

Is it normal to feel a little distant from your family? Heather advises.

I Can Hear My Parents Having Sex… What Do I Do?

Heather — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 17:00:35 +0000

This is one way to deal... | Source: ShutterStock

Hey Heather,

My room is a couple doors down from my parents room. We all go to bed at about the same time. Lately I have been hearing some “oohhs” coming from down the hall and it is really disturbing. What should I do??

Ack! This is definitely a super awkward situation. Hearing anyone having sex can be bad enough, but hearing your parents having sex is a whole other story. I don’t blame you for feeling disturbed, but you do have a few options in order to prevent this from happening again.

I’m not sure what kind of relationship you have with your parents, but if you feel comfortable enough with them to say something, you definitely should. It doesn’t have to be a long, uncomfortable discussion. You can simply pull one of them aside and say, “Hey, this is weird, but I can hear you and Dad/Mom at night. Could you be a little more quiet?”

"Oh, BTW I can hear you guys doing it." | Source: ShutterStock

If just thinking about saying something like that is making you freak out, then you could try hinting at the situation in a more subtle way. Try casually mentioning that you could hear exactly what they were watching on TV the other night from your room, or that you could hear what they were talking about. It might make them realize that if you can hear that stuff, you can probably also hear them doing it – and maybe they’ll start being a little less loud on their own.

And if both of those options feel totally uncomfortable to you, then you’ll have to figure out a way to drown out the noise on your own. You could try turning up your TV or music really loudly – that will help block them out and it might also be another subtle hint for them to hush up. You can also try going to sleep wearing headphones and listening to your favorite music, or maybe even going to sleep at a different time. But since all of those things are kind of inconvenient to you, I’d really suggest at least trying to hint something to your parents.

Just keep in mind that your parents are humans too – as creepy and gross as it is to think about, they enjoy sex just as much as anyone else. They also most likely don’t realize you can hear them, and finding out that you can is probably going to totally embarrass them. If you decide to say something or hint something, be sensitive to the situation while still getting your point across. And if all else fails – buy a good pair of headphones, girl!

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

More advice from Heather: How can you get your parents to let you wear makeup?

How To Deal With Your Pushy Mom

Gurl — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 21:00:53 +0000

Moms. The love! The affection! The support! Moms can be the greatest! But, there’s also the nagging. The smothering. And the PUSHINESS. Moms can be tough too. Don’t sweat it, though. Meg’s here to help you deal with your pushy mom. Moms can push when it comes to school, how you dress, and even who you like. No matter what the pressure’s on, Meg’s advice will help you deal. From figuring out when’s the best time to talk to your mom to what exactly you’re going to say to her, Meg will guide you every step of the way.

Do you have a pushy mom? Does she try to get you to do things you’re not into? Tell us about it in the comments!

How To Deal With A BFF Fight? Meg Can Help!

How Can I Get My Parents To Let Me Wear Makeup?

Heather — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 19:00:32 +0000

Sigh. If only. | Source: Makeup4All.com

Talking To Your Parents

Hi Heather,

My parents won’t let me wear any makeup! It’s not fair. All of my friends wear makeup, and I really want to start wearing it, but I don’t want to get in trouble. How can I get them to let me start wearing it? Please help!

I’m sure your parents have their reasons for why they don’t want you to wear makeup – and it probably has something to do with wanting to protect you because they love you. But I know, I know… you don’t really want to hear that. It’s true, parents can be super annoying sometimes, especially when they won’t let you do something that seems so simple to you. Luckily, there are some secrets to getting what you want from your parents. They can be tricky, but if they’re done right, you just might be able to start shopping at Sephora.

I’m assuming that you’ve already talked to your parents about this whole makeup issue since you know they don’t want you wearing it. But talk to them again, except maybe approach this a different way. Here are a few big no-no’s when trying to talk your parents into letting you do what you want: crying, whining, begging, screaming and arguing. I know how frustrating it can be, but you have to be as calm as possible so that they see you as more mature.

This is probably how your parents see you still. | Source: Bold-words.com

When you talk to your parents, don’t start out by demanding to be allowed to wear makeup. Explain why you really want to wear makeup, but stay away from mentioning that all of your friends can wear it – that’s not going to convince them. Try to make a compromise. Pick one thing you really want to start wearing (eye shadow, foundation, lip gloss, whatever), and ask if you can start by just using that one product. It might not be exactly what you want, but starting small might make them feel less overwhelmed.

Offer to go shopping with them so they can help you pick it out – they’ll see that you’re really making an effort to make them part of this. If they say yes, then only wear that one product you agreed on for a while. After a few weeks, ask if you can move on to a new product, and so on.

And if they still say no? Don’t freak out. Say okay and walk away. Wait a few weeks and approach them again in the same way. Don’t sneak behind their backs and use makeup – they’ll probably find out, and then you’ll have no chance of convincing them to let you wear it.

The main thing is to appear as mature as possible, even when you don’t get your way. It stinks when your parents don’t let you do things, but sometimes that’s just the way it is, and there’s nothing you can do about it. One thing’s for sure, though, fighting with them is definitely never going to help.

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

Is it normal to feel distant from your family?

Talking To Your Parents

Is It Normal To Feel Distant From My Family?

Heather — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 19:00:13 +0000

They aren't always as close as they seem | Source: Facebook

Hi Heather,

I really feel distant from my family. I really feel more interested in friends, etc. than family. Is that wrong, or is it normal as a teen girl? Don’t get me wrong, I love my family! I just don’t feel like I used to when I was younger. What should I do if I should do anything at all? Help, Heather!

Teen girls go through lots of changes. Some are fun (more freedom!), some are not so fun (crazy hormones!), and some are just plain confusing (crazy hormones again!). And then some are a little sad – and feeling like you’re growing apart from people you used to be close to definitely falls into that category.

There’s nothing weird or abnormal about what you’re going through with your family. As you get older, your priorities change. It’s really typical for teenagers to start to feel closer to their friends than their family members. It’s also really normal for teens to feel like they’d rather spend their days hanging with their BFFs than having family game time with their parents.

Unfortunately, things won't always be the same as when you were little

But just because it happens all the time doesn’t mean it’s not a little bit upsetting. I’m sure you love and care about your family, and you probably feel guilty for not wanting to spend as much time with them. If you want to keep having a good relationship with your fam, then just make sure you don’t distance yourself too much. Feel free to spend as much time with your friends as you want – but when you come home, talk to your parents. Tell them about stuff that went on, or ask them about their day. Try saving one night a week for quality family time where you guys can watch a movie or have dinner together.

Don’t stress out about this too much. You’re changing as a person, and of course you’re not going to feel the same way about things as you did when you were a kid. It’s healthy for you to be with friends and have your own life outside of your family. Just learn how to balance everything, and one day you won’t feel that distance anymore.

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

Can I Go On The Pill Without Telling My Parents?

Heather — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 20:55:43 +0000

Should you keep it a secret?

Hi Heather,

I am almost 16 and I want to go on the pill. I am not very close to my doctor (like I haven’t even met him yet, just his assistant.) I am not planning on having sex but I want it as a back up just in case. My problem is that I don’t want my mom to know about it. How can I see my doctor without her knowing? I understand that my doctor can’t say anything to her but I am under such a close eye with my mom. What should I do?

I think it’s great that you’re planning so far in advance about protecting yourself during sex. However, and I know you don’t want to hear this, but it would also be great for you to talk about it with your mom too.

Keeping this a secret from your mom is possible, but could be tough. Not only are you going to be stressing over whether she’s going to catch you in this lie, but you’re also going to have to handle the cost of the Pill on your own. And it can wind up costing quite a bit. Planned Parenthood gives teens free birth control without telling their parents, but if you go through a regular doctor (which it sounds like you’re planning on), then you have to pay for it. Also, paying for the pill through health insurance will be cheaper than going without, but your health insurance is probably through your parents. So, you mom would find out that way.

If you really feel like you can’t tell your mom, then I’d suggest finding a Planned Parenthood near you. While you shouldn’t be lying to your parents, when it comes to sex, it’s certainly better to be safe than sorry. And cost shouldn’t prevent you from making smart sexual health decisions. But before you go for the Pill on the sly, try explaining the situation to your mom first. Maybe she’ll understand better than you think.

Also, keep in mind that the Pill does not protect against STD’s or AIDS. Always use a condom no matter what!

WDYT, gURLs? Are you secretly on the Pill? How should this gURL talk to her mom about going on birth control? Give us your advice and discuss below.

take care,

heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

How Do I Get My Parents To See Me As An Adult?

Heather — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 18:19:46 +0000

There's a reason moms tend to be overprotective...

Hey Heather,

How do I get my mom to understand that I am growing up and I am a young adult (I’m 19-years-old, by the way) and she can’t tell me what to do anymore?

I know how frustrating it is to feel like your parents won’t get off your back, especially as you get older. This is the time when you want to start being your own person, and you don’t want to feel like you always have to follow their rules — completely understandable. However, it’s important to remember that this can be a really big step for a parent, and while you will be an independent adult one day, it’s probably not going to happen overnight.

It’s not always easy for Mom and Dad to accept the fact that their kid is moving on and growing up. After all, you were once their little baby and it can be hard for them to stop seeing you that way. I know it’s annoying to have your mom treat you like you’re younger, but try to be a little sympathetic in this situation and see their side of things.

At 19-years-old, you probably should have a little more responsibility on your shoulders. Talk to your mom calmly (yelling and fighting only proves that you’re not mature enough), and tell her you want to be a little more independent. Take things one step at a time. Keep in mind that this is still your mom, and if you still live at home, you can’t expect her to back off completely. Sometimes no matter how frustrating it is, we have to do what our parents say until we’re living on our own for good.

WDYT, gURLs? Do you wish your parents gave you more independence? How did you tell them that? What do you do to try to get your parents off your back? Give us your advice and discuss below!

take care,

heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

How Do I Tell My Parents I Want To Change My Religion?

Heather — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 18:59:19 +0000

It's not for everybody...

Hi Heather,

So I’ve been thinking really, really long and hard about my religion. I was raised a Catholic and most of my family (including my aunts, uncles, and cousins, even second cousins) are Roman Catholic as well. My parents are super religious and they thoroughly believe in God.

I’ve thought about it for 2-3 years and I’ve decided that Catholicism isn’t for me. I just don’t feel comfortable being Catholic. I just don’t believe in God. Not to be offensive in any way, but I don’t think there’s a point to religion. And I’m planning to tell my parents soon, but I’m scared to. I’m scared of how they’ll react or if they’ll get mad. And I don’t know exactly how to tell them. I’m making a point to tell them really soon, since I’m supposed to start Confirmation classes. What should I do?

Religion should be a personal choice, not something that you’re forced into. This might be a difficult thing to tell your family, but if you know that this isn’t the right religion for you, then it’s important that you stay true to your beliefs. I’m glad you realize you need to be honest with your parents. It probably won’t be easy to talk about, but it’s the right thing to do.

The best thing is to just be completely straight up with your mom and dad. Tell them how long you’ve been thinking about this, and explain that you just don’t feel right practicing this religion anymore. Explain exactly how you feel and how passionate you are about it. Let them know you’re not trying to hurt them at all, it’s just something you feel you need to do for yourself.

Your parents reaction might be a little scary — just make sure you stay calm and controlled no matter what. That helps to show them that you’re mature enough to make this decision on your own. Stick by your beliefs. Just because Cath0licism is something your whole family practices doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you for not wanting to be a part of it.

WDYT, gURLs? Have you ever decided to change your religion? Do you and your family disagree on faith? Give us your advice and discuss below!

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

I Feel Like A Burden To My Family

Heather — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 17:16:24 +0000

It sucks to feel stuck in the middle of the fighting.

Dear Heather,

I don’t feel at home with my family. My parents are separated but I have always lived with my mom and my step-father and half-sister (even though I consider her my real sister). Lately I feel like I am just a burden to the family. My dad has brought my mom to court. Me and my dad have never really gotten along. When I try to talk to my mom about it, she tells me that there are people in a much worse state than I am and everybody has difficulty growing up, and my problem is just minor.

Also, at home I am miserable. My mom never compliments me or says she is proud of me. The other day I told my mom that I thought I was gaining weight (I don’t really think I am and I have been skinny my whole life) and she told me to stop eating so many sweets. Am I asking too much of my family or should I give them a rest and go live in a group home (as I have been considering)?

I’m sorry you feel so out of place with your family. Divorce and separation are so hard for any teen gURL — but you need to remember that none of this is your fault, and you are not a burden. Leaving your family and considering going to a group home are definitely not good options. You and your parents might have hit a rough patch, but you need to try to work things out before you think about that.

You need to have a serious conversation with your mom. The stress of the separation, especially going to court with your dad, is probably what’s making her act the way she is. While it’s true that some people might have more serious problems than this, that doesn’t make your emotions any less valid or important.

You need to tell your mom exactly how you feel, and let her know that she’s really hurting you when she ignores you. Tell her her opinion means a lot to you, and you want her to be proud of you. You need to be totally honest with her. If this doesn’t help at all, try talking to a school counselor. As for your dad, you need to talk to him also and let him know you want to work on your relationship with him.

Be patient, because family issues don’t go away quickly. You should never feel like a burden to your parents — they love you, even when it seems like they don’t.

WDYT, gURLs? Are your parents divorced or separated? How do you deal with it? Do you ever feel like a burden to your family? Discuss below!

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.