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When I read this question to my girlfriend, the topic hit so close to home that she had to check her Gmail outbox just to make sure she didn’t submit it herself while sleep-emailing. While guys often criticize girls for “oversharing,” apparently you’re not alone in feeling that guys have a tendency to “undershare.” Even as a dude who considers himself in touch with his emotions (and writes a weekly dating advice column!), I, too am guilty of this habit. However, in order to get your man to open up to you, I think it’s important to understand the difference between male and female communication.

In general, men like to talk in order to solve problems, while women converse in order to process their feelings and work out that which they want to express. Unfortunately, most of us guys view communication as a means to and end rather than as a process of discovery, and we often avoid discussing issues until we’ve figured out how to fix them.

Ultimately, the best thing you can do is to respect your boyfriend’s space; the worst you can do is to nag him or criticize him for being distant. Attacking or attempting to coerce a guy into discussing his emotions will most likely only cause him to retreat further into solitude. Feel free to share your own emotions without expectations of consistent reciprocation, and make it clear that you’re always there for him when he’s ready to talk. Try not to take his male-ness personally! If he’s a guy worth dating, he’ll open up to you on his own with just a little support and patience from the girl he loves.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Do guys get nervous about a first kiss?

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Keep calm and… stop highlighting? | Source: ShutterStock

Who here has a highlighter sitting on their desk right now? Well, you may want to put it away because I don’t think it’s going to like this news all that much.

Psychologists looked at the effectiveness of ten common “learning strategies” and their findings are kind of shocking. Why? The three methods that ranked the worst in terms of helpfulness are three things that I did all through school. The least effective of them all? Highlighting.

I remember highlighting being very big in school, though I didn’t really grasp it right away. When I was 11, I thought you were just supposed to highlight the entire page, because, as I told my teacher, why would they print sentences that weren’t important? Maybe though in my young age, I was just rebelling against a system that told me to highlight, when in my heart, I knew it wasn’t the most effective way. Still, I kept going back to the highlighters because it made me feel like I was drawing when I was studying which was usually nice. It was all a disguise!

Other low-ranking methods include re-reading and summarizing. So apparently me skipping a concert my senior year to re-read chapters before my test maybe wasn’t the best way for me to spend my time? My regrets have multiplied.

If you’re freaking out though about how to study now without your trusty highlighter, the psychologists also offered up two of the best learning strategies. The first is one I admit I have trouble with – spreading out your studying over time (read: do not cram!) in order to extend how long you remember the info. Also, taking practice tests (flashcards worked well too!) was another “high utility” method that had a high pay-off when it came to learning the material.

Figuring out what study methods work for you is important, and as this new study shows, the learning strategy that will be best for you may not necessarily be the “popular” one that everybody does. For me, making up songs was always my go-to study method. If I read something, I would then make up a song to help me remember it.

They basically all went to the same tune of the only song I had managed to learn how to play during my piano lessons, but I did make up a great one about ancient Chinese dynasties once that was SIX MINUTES! That’s like power ballad length. Anyway, here is my favorite pop-culture example of the song studying strategy brought to you by the ’90s gem that is The Babysitter’s Club movie:

So awesome. Look, I think if you really feel like highlighting material helps you learn, than I say go for it. I joked about my time being better well spent, but it’s not like my use of the highlighter ruined my GPA.

I think an important thing to take away though is there may be strategies out there that will help you even more, and for those of you who have always kind of felt like highlighting or re-reading was ineffective for you, I’d take this study as a chance to explore some new studying strategies so that you can be your best-performing you!

Were you surprised by these findings? What are the learning strategies that work best for you? Do you have a fun study strategy to share with other girls? Tell us in the comments!

Being On Facebook Could Count As Homework? Amazing!

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Unfortunately, rejection is always going to hurt someone’s feelings – especially if you’re rejecting someone who has a crush on you. But despite the fact that it’s going to sting no matter what, there are nicer ways to go about it rather than just telling the dude to get lost. I can’t promise that you can keep your friendship intact (things might be sort of awkward), but I can tell you the nicest way possible to let this guy down.

If you’re really stressing over telling your friend you’re not interested in him that way, try a more subtle approach first. Don’t flirt back with him (you may be doing that without even realizing it) and don’t give him too much more attention than you give your other friends. Basically, don’t give him any reason to believe you like him back. You can also drop hints by mentioning other guys you think are cute or talking about your own crush. But don’t go overboard with that. You don’t want to completely kill this dude’s self-esteem.

Really, the best way to do this is to say something and get it over with. If this guy is head-over-heels for you, subtle attempts at letting him know you don’t feel the same way might not work. Has he ever came out and told you he likes you? Or has he ever asked you out? If so, respond by saying that while you love being his friend, you’re just not interested in him that way. I know that sounds harsh, but those simple terms don’t leave much room for a deeper meaning. If you say something like, “I’m not interested right now” or “I’m just not looking for a relationship right now” he might take that to mean that you will be interested in the future, and then you’ll get his hopes up.

If you do end up telling him you’re not interested, follow up that statement by telling him how much his friendship means to you. Let him know that you don’t want this to affect your relationship right now. I can’t say for sure whether or not your friendship will be okay after that. You may need to give him some time to get over the blow before things can go back to normal. If it’s too much for him to stay just friends with you, you need to respect that.

In the end, the best thing you can do is to be honest. Avoiding this guy or just blowing him off is a way of rejecting him, but it’s not a nice way. I mean, let’s be real, there is no nice way to reject someone. But by being truthful and open with the person, you’re showing them that you at least respect them enough to tell them what the deal is. And even if they don’t appreciate that right now, they will eventually.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

How can you stay just friends with a guy who likes you?

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Maintaining a legit friendship with any ex- is tricky stuff – usually because both parties are rarely on the same page.

In my very first post for Gurl.com over a year ago, I granted that if a guy has truly moved on from an ex, he certainly might pursue a friendship with her. This can be very common when the guy is the one initiating the break up, and if you want to remain friends (and think you can move on), there’s no reason why you guys shouldn’t become pals. However, if you’re the one doing the dumping, and you suspect he still has feelings for you, be careful – he might be settling for a friendship out of desperation. Or, he might even have sneakier motives, hoping to eventually re-open the possibility of romance in the near future.

Now, on the opposite end of the spectrum, there are also guys who play the friendship card as an easy way to let a girl down. Girls do this, too. More often than not, younger guys head this direction with the noblest of intentions, assuming that a post-romantic relationship is a preferred possibility (any experienced guy knows that it’s usually not either of these things). But only the jerkiest of jerks will string along a girl under the guise of “friendship” as a means to continue hooking up with her. If it does happen (and unfortunately, it does), feel free to notify your school paper of this dishonest behavior – such creepdom should be broadcast to the entire student body.

Of course, once in awhile, two people will date and realize simultaneously that they’re both better off as platonic buddies, which is certainly ideal. But for the most part, because of all the potential variables and conditions involved with both partners’ feelings, maintaining a friendship with an ex is seldom ever that easy. If you’re determined to make one work, be prepared for some honest, open talks that might take you both into very sensitive territory. It’s not impossible, but it requires patience, maturity, and often, an ability to read between the lines of others’ emotions.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

How do you stay friends with a guy who likes you?

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Ouch. I’m sure we’ve all felt your pain at some point, girl. Ingrown hairs are super annoying, but fortunately there are a few ways that you can try preventing them.

Shaving is the main cause of ingrown hairs, so the best possible way to prevent them from coming would be to stop shaving altogether. It’s totally understandable if that’s not an option – however, if it’s possible for you to start getting waxed down there rather than shaving yourself, you may want to try that. Although waxing still leaves room for ingrown hairs, it isn’t as bad as shaving as is.

If you’d like to keep shaving it yourself, there are a few easy ways to help prevent these pesky little hairs. Make sure you’re changing your razor blade on a regular basis. Dull blades can not only cause ingrown hair, but they’re also more painful in general.  Be sure you’re moisturizing your down there area before you shave. The best time to shave is when you’re in the shower or right after a hot shower, when the skin is softer and the hair is easier to pull out. Use a moisturizing shaving cream instead of a bar of soap.

Also make sure that when you shave, you’re shaving in the direction that the hair grows. Don’t just shave in every direction possible. Also, don’t shave over one section too many times. If none of that helps, maybe try an alternate way of removing hair.

If you do get a super painful ingrown hair, try using some of these products to soothe it. Mainly, you just need to be careful about how you’re shaving. Take your time and go slowly.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

I shaved down there and now it’s all bumpy. WTF?!

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Are they talking about YOU? | Source: ShutterStock

Dear Ethan,

What do guys tell their friends about sex? Do they explain every detail? Do they lie about stuff they’ve done? Do they talk about it like girls do? Do you think my boyfriend is telling his friends all the stuff we do? HELP!!!!!

First of all, breathe, girlfriend, BREATHE!

The truth is, if it’s is a one-night-stand we’re dealing with, then all bets are off – he may, indeed, reveal every little detail about your encounter to his friends. I wish I could vouch for my gender and assure you that we are all virtuous and respectful – but most guys are not, especially when we have no intention of hooking up with a girl again. And, unlike girls, who talk about sex plenty with each other, but often focus on its more romantic aspects and use euphemisms for private parts, guys do talk about the specific sexual acts which are done to “tits,” “asses,” and other words unfit for print here. You will never hear a guy refer to a girl’s genitals as her “thing.”

While dudes who discuss intimate details with their closest friends are often inevitable annoyances, guys who can’t be stopped from gossiping in public should simply not be trusted. And guys who lie about sexual encounters, while far less common, should be avoided altogether. Their motives may vary from case to case, but the vast majority of guys who lie about this type of stuff are merely insecure and trying to impress their friends. Unfortunately, it’s often at your expense – so while you don’t have to wage war against them, no guy has the right to brag about something that never happened. Not cool.

Relationships follow an entirely different guy code. The general rule is that the longer the relationship, the deeper the love, and the more private the sex. After my first date with my current girlfriend, I couldn’t resist telling my best friend every little detail about the makeout session. Now, two years later, I wouldn’t be caught dead telling any of my buddies what color underwear she owns (stop asking, Dave). Ultimately, if your boyfriend is incapable of keeping your sex life in the bedroom, he’s too immature to be a boyfriend.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Do guys get turned off by virgins?

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While it’s try that we can’t always help who we fall for, there are some situations where it’s best to try to forget about the person we’re crushing on. This may be one of those situations, although that’s entirely up to you. What you need to do right now is decide whether you want to stay besties with your BFF or whether you want to take a chance and admit your feelings to this dude. Unfortunately, you need to make this decision on your own, but fortunately, I can try to help out a little.

If you really want to tell this guy how you feel, you need to consider what could happen. One scenario is that he feels the same way and dumps his GF – and you’ll probably lose your best friend. Another scenario is that he chooses his GF over you, and you not only lose him, but also probably your bestie. You need to seriously consider if you’re willing to lose your BFF over this guy. It’s important to keep in mind that even if you pursue a relationship with him, it might not work out perfectly, and in the end, you’ll be left without a best friend.

It’s also important to remember that stealing her boyfriend from her is going to hurt your best friend a lot. While I’m not saying you have to put her happiness over your own, I do think it’s a good idea to keep in mind that hurting her and losing her may end up making you feel more lonely and guilty than before.

The other option here is to try to forget about this guy. Honestly, I think that’s your best option. For one thing, it’s really not cool of him to be flirting and spending a lot of time with his girlfriend’s best friend. For another thing, forgetting about this guy is going to keep your friendship with your BFF intact – and sometimes, having a loyal friend is even better than having a boyfriend.

Unless you feel like this guy is the love of your life, I would suggest that you try to move on and find someone else to crush on. If you never make a move on him, there’s no need to tell your bestie about your feelings. And who knows? You two could even end up together in the future, when things aren’t so complicated.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

Is it a really bad idea to sext a friend?
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Well, you’ve come to the right place, as I happen to have firsthand experience with this subject. Take comfort knowing that a former girlfriend of mine actually dated a girl before she started going out with me, which obviously didn’t stop us from getting together!

As I’ve written about before, some guys are actually into lesbians. And while you’re obviously not gay, I know that even more guys (i.e. most guys) are anything but turned off by girls who have had homosexual experiences.

I recommend that you act towards this guy as if you were a typical straight girl. By that, I don’t mean that you should deny your female relationship or be ashamed of it in any way – I give you props for simply pursuing whoever you share a connection with. But if this guy is cool enough to actually date you, he shouldn’t be fazed by your past experimentation. So you should go after him as any heterosexual would.

There are plenty of ways to signal to a guy that you like him. (Check out my post on how to flirt with a guy by clicking HERE). If he’s still not getting the message, or you’d like to be a little bit more open with him, find a way to hint at your interest in dudes while he’s around. For example, you can casually refer to a previous relationship with a guy. Or, of course, you can also always mention outright in his presence that you’re bisexual. Sometimes honesty, paired with a little directed flirtation, just works best!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

How do you come out to your friends and family?

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It’s great that you feel ready to open about your sexuality to your family and friends. I can completely understand feeling scared or nervous about this – it’s a big step to take and can be very scary. While this may not be an easy thing for you to go through, I think you’ll feel better once you get this off your chest. I can’t promise that absolutely everyone will accept you for who you are immediately, but I can tell you that continuing to keep your sexuality a secret is something that will make you unhappy. It’s better to be honest with everyone when you’re ready.

Now, how do you tell people? I would start by telling the person you feel most comfortable with, whether that’s your mom, your grandma or your best friend. Telling one person who you feel really close to will probably help you tell everyone else – it’s good practice. Let this person know that you really want to share something important with them that’s a pretty big deal to you. There’s no simple way to go about this – you pretty much just have to come out and say, “I’m bisexual.” You can go into whatever detail you want, that’s up to you. Explain that you’re telling them because they’re an important part of your life and you would love if they could accept your sexuality.

Once you tell that one person, start figuring out who else you want to tell personally. Do it however you want, whether it’s in a group or individually. Let everyone know that this is an important part of who you are and you don’t want to have to hide your sexuality anymore.

Honestly, there may be some people in your life who don’t want to accept this about you. Please remember that that is their problem, not yours. You didn’t do anything wrong by admitting that you’re bisexual and there’s nothing wrong with being bisexual. If that’s something they don’t agree with, then they need to figure it out on their own. You have to continue to do what makes you happy, regardless of how others feel.

Good luck! Coming out takes a lot of courage and it’s really admirable that you’re ready to take that step. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad about who you are, and lean on the people who support you. You can’t change who you are and you never need to defend your sexuality.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

How to deal with lesbian rumors

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Is he lying about it being good? | Source: ShutterStock

Overall, I’d think that most guys would rather not say anything at all than lie about intimate sexual details. But unfortunately, without meeting the guy and knowing a few more specifics about the situation, there’s really no way for me to assure you that he’s telling the truth. There will always be jerks out there who have the potential to be dishonest about anything in a relationship, whether sexual or emotional. What I can assure you of, however, is that actions almost always speak louder than words.

For example, if a guy tells you that he didn’t have a problem with the way you taste, but refuses to ever perform oral sex after a single attempt, he might be withholding information. It could mean that he found it unpleasant, but all it indicates for certain is that he’s not telling you everything. Perhaps he doesn’t enjoy oral in general, or feels embarrassed because he thinks you didn’t like it the first time. At the very least, he’s not being entirely candid.

With all that said, if he seems to be into the sex, and tells you he’s into the sex, you need to believe that he’s into the sex! This “law of trust” works both ways for guys and girls. Early on, I almost walked away from my current girlfriend because I couldn’t believe that such a cool, hot chick really wanted to make our relationship work after our first fight. A friend of mine reminded me that I had to give her the benefit of the doubt and take her at her word, as it’s the only way to build trust with a partner.

Beyond what he tells you, if a guy’s behavior seems to indicate he’s being insincere, you have to address the fact that you don’t feel he’s being honest. Ultimately, the gap between his words and actions is one worthy of discussion.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

7 relationship secrets you need to keep to yourself

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