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What are you, nuts? This is “GUY” code – I can’t tell you that!

But guess what? You’ve lucked out, because I’m willing to temporarily break guy code to reveal to you what guy code is. (Please don’t tell my friends?)

The term “guy code” has become so widespread, it’s even landed its own TV show (MTV’s appropriately titled Guy Code). Generally speaking, the expression refers to the set of ethical principles–or “code”–which every male must follow. The point is to bind men in a brotherhood which prioritizes male friendship and masculinity above everything else. It sounds chauvinistic (and it can be), but it’s really rooted in the one moral maxim which we are taught to abide by as early as Kindergarten: “Treat others as one would like others to treat oneself,” also known as “The Golden Rule.”

What are the actual tenets of Guy Code, you may be asking? Well, the specific rules vary across different cultures, groups and geographical locations, but many of them touch upon the same few concepts:

1) A guy shall never reveal anything about another guy’s whereabouts, actions, intentions, or marital status to a girl.

2) A guy friend’s ex-girlfriend, girlfriend, or sister (or mother, if you’re especially ballsy) are all entirely off limits, unless explicit permission is proactively granted by the guy friend.

3) A guy must act as a helpful wingman to another guy whenever requested.

4) No guy is allowed to voluntarily watch Twilight, Glee, or Sex and the City. If forced to watch one of the previously mentioned movies or television shows due to circumstances beyond his control, he may not enjoy it.

While these “rules” carry some truth, you should also take them with a grain of salt. Most guys don’t take this universal guy code as gospel. You can expect most of us to realize that the best way to be a “good” guy is to follow an individualized, personal code that requires us to treat both men and women with compassion and respect.

Just don’t make us choose between Team Edward and Team Jacob, okay?

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Do guys care about whether or not you’re popular?

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How much and what kind of makeup you wear isn’t entirely lost on guys – but just as with lingerie (as discussed in last week’s post), the type and amount of attention we give to makeup is quite different from that of you ladies.

For one thing, since we never wear it ourselves (minus rock stars, gay men, and Russell Brand), makeup isn’t something that guys spend much time thinking about. In fact, when it does pop into our consciousness, it’s likely only because a lady’s makeup is especially bad. Good or bad makeup still won’t permanently make or break your chances with any guy, but it might help you to grab or divert his attention. Generally, a successful female makeup job could be considered one which a guy won’t notice at all.

That’s not to say men find makeup inherently unattractive – we just don’t want to be preoccupied by it while looking longingly into your mascara-drenched raccoon eyes. There will always be the rare dude who’s simply into the “porn star look,” but makeup should ultimately be used – if at all – to subtly enhance your natural beauty, rather than turn you into something entirely different (e.g. a circus clown).

Of course, some women may suffer from more serious cases of acne or skin conditions that cut into self-confidence. In such scenarios, the treatment of the actual problem should always be of primary importance - try leaning on excessively heavy foundation and concealer only as temporary solutions in emergency situations. Lots of guys (including myself) would prefer to date a girl who handles such surface flaws more honestly rather than painstakingly covering them up every day. I think you’ll find that you’ll get much more attention from guys by accepting your imperfections with confidence while accentuating those of your features that you are indeed proud of!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

10 beauty blunders and how to fix them

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Guys love lingerie, alright. Oh, yes we do. But before you drop big bills on a spicy new number for your man, keep the following two footnotes to this fact in mind:

1) Men are primitive beasts who are just as easily turned on by cheap, sex shop novelty undergarments.

2) When a guy sees something sexy on a woman, he will want to tear it off as quickly as possible.

In general, men have an unfortunate track record marred by obliviousness when it comes to ladies going out of their way for our pleasure — I, for one, have certainly been guilty of taking my girlfriend for granted before. And when it comes to female fashion items acquired for our pleasure, we generally only notice them if they barely exist (the skimpier the better), or grossly violate one or more rules of sexiness (e.g. torn Grandma panties three sizes too large). Furthermore, merely “cute” underwear is rarely even recognized because its unveiling isn’t accompanied with the flourish commonly preceding the debut of a seductive teddy or nightgown (e.g. “Look what I bought this week…”).

It’s not that we don’t care — we’re kinda just a bunch of idiots.

So your valiant efforts to look hot for us often go unappreciated, or briefly acknowledged at best, and I apologize on behalf of all men for our ignorance and insensitivity. But unfortunately, I don’t see guys universally honing their ability to recognize “special” underwear anytime soon. Therefore, I recommend buying nice stuff for yourself… for yourself. Spend as much as you feel comfortable spending to purchase what makes you feel sexy. Guys are much more likely to notice your newfound confidence than any costly piece of clothing –  and that’s what we find sexiest.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

What do you think about thongs?

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For those unfamiliar with “the queef,” vaginal flatulence (flatus vaginalis in Latin… or simply “vagina farts” in layman’s terms) is basically an expulsion of vaginal air that can occur due to certain physical movements during sex or exercise. The result is a noise not unlike that of, well… cutting the cheese.

However, out all of the sexual experiences I’ve had with women in my lifetime (I’m no George Clooney, but I do alright), I’ve only been aware of it happening twice. Though it’s entirely normal, it occurs (audibly, at least) way less than you probably think.

Most importantly, both of the two incidents that I personally encountered were way funnier than they were offensive or gross. Queefs are really nothing more than silly because you get the best part of a regular butt-fart (the sound) without the worst part (the smell), as there are no internal waste gases involved. The noise comes from trapped surface air, like that of a hand-cupped armpit when producing a hilarious “armpit fart” (one of my greatest skills as a third grader, still a great party trick).

So really, don’t fret – not only is queefing unlikely to happen during your first time having sex, it’s also not a big deal if it does. Any guy who gives you flak for a little crotch-burp is either totally inexperienced, immature, or both. Of all the things you can worry about when it comes to sex (e.g. pregnancy, STDs, regretful intercourse with a small-penised partner), queefing should be at the very bottom of the list. Don’t sweat ‘em!

*(For more on this topic from the female perspective, check out “Queefing 101” by my friend Abiola Abrams, here at Gurl.com!)

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

How do I tell my boyfriend that I don’t like oral sex?

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There are lots of reasons your ex-boyfriend might contact you even though he has a new flame. Unfortunately, most of them require you to stay far, far away.

Perhaps the most harmless possible motive is that he truly values your friendship, and doesn’t want to lose touch with you altogether. Some serious relationships can be very difficult to say goodbye to when two people have bonded so closely. An ex-girlfriend of mine had become one of my best friends by the time we had broken up, as we had revealed sides of one another no one else had ever seen before.

The only problem with this hypothesis is that your ex waited months to contact you. Why wouldn’t he make an effort right away? Maybe if you totally devastated him in the breakup, he only felt secure enough to talk to you again once he found someone else – but I would wager he’s probably reaching out with ulterior motives.

Most likely, he’s not happy in his current relationship and is testing the waters with you out of boredom. If he has a history of cheating, promiscuity, or Shiny New Toy Syndrome (i.e. always on the hunt for the next new thing), he could very well just be looking for some “extra-curricular activities” with someone other than his girlfriend. Or, his new lady might not be all she’s cracked up to be, and he’s regretting breaking up with or letting go of you. If either of these are possible scenarios, you absolutely need to keep your distance. You don’t want to be responsible for messing with whatever he’s already got going on – and besides, he already had his chance to make things work with you!

The only way you should continue talking to him is if you are certain his intentions are respectable and that you’re fully ready to have a platonic relationship. If both of these conditions can’t be met, you need to cut him off – at least until he’s single, if not for good.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

How to deal when your ex won’t leave you alone

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When I first read the words “But every time I propose…” I admit I got a bit worried. Boy, was I relieved to read the rest of that sentence: “…that we date, he says no.” Phew. Thankfully, your problem is way less dire than that of a serial engager.

All kidding aside, though, the fact that he is directly turning down offers to take things to the next level is surely a red flag. He’s made it clear that there is either something holding him back from dating you, or anyone in general. This is not to say that you have no chance of someday becoming his boo — but at the very least, your method of approaching the situation must change.

You did nothing wrong by being up front with him – but before initiating a mature, open conversation, I’d have first recommended you try to allow things to develop naturally. Let your contact with him simmer down for a week, and then ask for one-on-one plans without using the words “date.” The ability to freely communicate your emotions is crucial to any successful relationship, but actions often speak way louder than words in those delicate moments before a romance takes off. And words can occasionally make situations too awkward and cerebral for spontaneous passion to ignite. (Sounds like I should write the newest installment of Fifty Shades of Grey….) Sometimes a well-timed kiss (yes, girls can make the first move, too) is all you need to know where you stand.

If you feel that it’s already too late to play coy, you might have to mentally give up on an amorous relationship. Or, if you’re both unable to keep things platonic, it’d be best to take some space from him altogether. Either route will allow you to focus your frustrated energy elsewhere: best case scenario, he’ll notice how well you’re doing without his flirtatious attention, and longingly come to realize his true feelings for you; worst case, you end up finding someone better. A little bit of “chase” can be fun, but when the game starts to feel like waterboarding, it’s time to cut ties. It won’t be easy, but you’ll ultimately be glad you did!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Why do guys cheat?!

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Before offering any advice, I want to point out that there’s a difference between a guy mentioning that a woman is cute and his exclaiming that he wants to play naked Twister with her: the former is a harmless observation, while the latter is a declaration of a douchebaggery. A boyfriend’s lewd comments about other women in your presence is not only disrespectful, it could also be an indication that he’s not to be trusted.

With that said, I’m assuming yours is a good dude, and is merely agreeing or disagreeing with his friends about how attractive other girls are. I have to tell you that whether or not they vocalize it, all heterosexual males will notice when a hot woman walks in the room. So as long as he’s speaking of these women with reverence, and not objectifying or degrading them, it could actually mean that he feels comfortable enough to be the same guy with you that he is with his best male friends, which is a giant compliment.

However, of course you have the right to request that he not do this while you’re around. As I’ve written time and time again, communication is always the key to any successful relationship — so gently inform him (in private) that his discussion of other women makes you uncomfortable. If approached calmly and lovingly, he might immediately understand and apologize.

On the other hand, if he’s like me, he might be a bit stubborn about having to hold back with his friends. Though you seem to be planted firmly in his social circle, he might not be willing to permanently change his dynamic with his pals. In that case, you might have to restructure the amount of time you all spend together as a group. Or, it could be possible that you need to be with a more mild-mannered guy.

But at the very least, opening up to your boyfriend should encourage him to do other things to reassure you that only you have his heart. If he values the right to speak freely around you, he must make it clear through affectionate words and actions that you’re the only one he really wants at the end of the day. And just knowing that you can feel a little insecure sometimes will hopefully inspire him to go that extra mile for you.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

How to stop being jealous

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First and foremost, know this: you did absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, I’d say you did everything exactly right! Your first kiss is special and should be treated as such. More importantly, when it comes to hooking up, you should only ever take things as far as you want to. Don’t ever feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do, no matter what the circumstances.

It’s also quite natural to have feelings for this guy, since you shared such an important, intimate moment (or 60) with him. And let’s not forget the fact that you were crushing hard on this dude to begin with. The fact that he took your “make-out virginity” will only intensify those feelings, no matter how he acts afterward.

However, the fact that he hasn’t talked to you since is a bit weird, and at the very least, rude. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions yet, though – his aloofness could be due to myriad reasons. Sure, it’s possible that he lost interest or wants to date someone else with more sexual experience (either of which scenarios would signal that he’s not mature enough for you to date in the first place). But I think it’s more likely that this guy is embarrassed by getting turned down, or might even assume you’re not into him.

I’m not generally against playing coy to get a guy’s attention, but in this scenario I would recommend that you go the direct route and ask him out. If he turns you down or gives an excuse without an alternative plan, you can rest easy at night knowing that he’s not a match for you. But if he’s as innocent as I’m hoping, he’ll be relieved that you made the next move and will accept excitedly. At the very least you’ll know exactly where you stand, and whether you’re dealing with an immature jerk or a sweet guy who’s just feeling a little insecure.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Is my BF using me to hook up?

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I’d like to believe that today’s American youths are more open minded than British elitists circa 1912 (see Pygmalion, by George Bernard Shaw)… or SoCal high school students circa 1999 (see She’s All That* with Freddie Prinze Jr). From my experience, most teenaged guys don’t dismiss possible love connections merely because of a girl’s social status (and if they do, they are jerks not worth getting to know in the first place). I know plenty of guys (myself included) who have looked beyond “popularity” to date some really cool girls.

What more often prevents love connections from developing is a lack of common interests, and therefore, interactions. Sometimes it’s as simple as not being physically around a guy enough to keep him from noticing that you exist. If he doesn’t have the opportunity to hang out with you in the first place, it can be difficult to get his attention.

Fortunately, social status matters less and less as you get older and cliques slowly break apart. My senior year of high school was kinda magical, when social boundaries almost entirely dissipated. Eventually “nerds,” “jocks,” “thugs,” and everyone in between began to hang in larger groups at parties, a phenomenon captured time and time again in movies such as The Breakfast Club and Can’t Hardly Wait. (I like movies, okay??) In college and later, in “the real world,” social confines only continue to blur further.

The best thing you can do right now is to actively make your presence known to him. The next time you see him at lunch, after class, or at a party, introduce yourself! Keep the conversation going by initiating once or twice more. If it’s meant to be, and he’s truly as cool as his popularity suggests, he’ll pick up on the signals and reciprocate. You’ve got nothing to lose!

(*I’m proud to report that this is the second time I’ve referenced that film in this column).

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Is he really busy or is he just blowing me off?

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The ol’ “it’s not you – it’s me,” eh? I’ve heard that one before. In fact, I might have even dished it out myself before (don’t worry, I’ve adopted much more straightforward break-up methods since then).

The main reason you’re so suspicious of his “justification” is because it doesn’t really explain anything. What does it mean to be “too good” for someone, anyway? (Indulge my 11th Grade Philosophy class for a sec.) If “good girlfriends” bake cookies and “bad boyfriends” forget anniversaries, then sure, some of us are better than others at maintaining relationships. But anyone can learn to be less selfish and more thoughtful – it even happens naturally as we mature and become more experienced. And no one is simply inherently better than anyone else. If that were the case, people would choose partners based on levels of virtuousness rather than emotion.

Although it might initially sting, wouldn’t it be easier to let this guy go if he’d just say “I’m sorry, but I’m just not feeling it enough to continue?” He probably thinks he’s letting you down easy, when really, he’s only causing more confusion. “But you’re great,” you might think. Followed by “Well, maybe he just needs time to himself for a little bit…” All of which drags out a relationship that needs to end.

See, if he’s claiming that he “doesn’t deserve you,” he’s telling the truth simply by uttering such a phrase. If it’s just a lame excuse, then this claim is a self-fulfilling prophecy and an easy way out. If he believes it’s true, then he’s got some self-esteem issues that simply aren’t your problem – there’s nothing you can do to make him feel worthy. Either way, he – and anyone else who has leaned on the phrase – is right: he isn’t worthy of your affection.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

What it’s like to get dumped when you aren’t even dating

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