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When I read this question to my girlfriend, the topic hit so close to home that she had to check her Gmail outbox just to make sure she didn’t submit it herself while sleep-emailing. While guys often criticize girls for “oversharing,” apparently you’re not alone in feeling that guys have a tendency to “undershare.” Even as a dude who considers himself in touch with his emotions (and writes a weekly dating advice column!), I, too am guilty of this habit. However, in order to get your man to open up to you, I think it’s important to understand the difference between male and female communication.

In general, men like to talk in order to solve problems, while women converse in order to process their feelings and work out that which they want to express. Unfortunately, most of us guys view communication as a means to and end rather than as a process of discovery, and we often avoid discussing issues until we’ve figured out how to fix them.

Ultimately, the best thing you can do is to respect your boyfriend’s space; the worst you can do is to nag him or criticize him for being distant. Attacking or attempting to coerce a guy into discussing his emotions will most likely only cause him to retreat further into solitude. Feel free to share your own emotions without expectations of consistent reciprocation, and make it clear that you’re always there for him when he’s ready to talk. Try not to take his male-ness personally! If he’s a guy worth dating, he’ll open up to you on his own with just a little support and patience from the girl he loves.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Do guys get nervous about a first kiss?

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Wondering how to date a man you like? According to “The Rules,” you have to leave him hanging. Lame! | Source: ShutterStock

A while ago, a book called The Rules came out, and it was basically a guide on how to date a man. A completely stupid, pointless guide that set women back about 40 years. Now, in the world of Facebook, match.com, and the like, an updated guide is available to set us back 20 more years, making that a total of 60.

The gist of it all? “If you want a guy to like you, don’t do anything. Just exist.” And I mean, fine–you’re wonderful, and that should be enough. But “The Rules” explain that how to date a man is actually to appear almost totally uninterested. You can’t approach him first, you can’t IM him first, nothing.

This is problematic for a few reasons. One, it’s pretty pointless to not go after what you want and just expect things to come to you. Two, if you act like you’re not interested, guess what? Guys may well assume you’re not interested, and they’ll move on to someone who makes no mistake that they like him back. And three? Well, it’s boring.

To be fair, some of their rules on how to date a man are fair enough: We like their “No contact after midnight” rule, because, well, those are booty call hours. If you’re looking for a hookup, by all means–but if you want him to date you, it’s probably a good idea to wait til the AM to respond.

Thankfully, a lot of us are smart enough to not buy into this nonsense. A new survey says 79 percent of us take the “why wait?” philosophy and initiate contact with dudes we dig online, whether it’s through a friend request, a tweet, or whatever. However, 71 percent of ladies agree with the book, which says to wait half an hour before texting a guy back–and 10 percent leave a dude hanging for four hours. Seems sort of hypocritical considering it drives you nuts when guys do that to you, doesn’t it?

Basically, The Rules wants you to start a relationship–or rather, wants the guy to start a relationship–based on game playing. It doesn’t sound like a really solid foundation, does it?

Our advice? Ignore all the rules on how to date a man. The real guide to how to date a man who deserves you–and the least stressful method–is to just be yourself and treat a guy the way you’d want him to treat you!

Do you think The Rules is a good guide on how to date a man? Do you think a  guy should always make the first move?  Tell us in the comments!

Hopefully your guy is a legit nice one–not one of these “nice guys!”

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How to get a boy to like you? By not being able to walk away, apparently! | Source: ShutterStock

Here’s how it happened: I was home alone, and I have a habit of sitting with one leg curled under me. As a result, that foot falls asleep a lot. My doorbell rang, I ran downstairs to answer, and wound up twisting the heck out of my foot. Because it was asleep, I didn’t feel it right away–but when I got to my front door, I thought I was going to die. (For the record: It was a stranger asking me if I needed Jesus. After yelping in agony, I informed him that he would meet Jesus if they didn’t get off of my porch.)

I wound up breaking a bone in that foot (my metatarsus, which sounds like a dinosaur, doesn’t it?), so I couldn’t work out much . . . so I taught myself how to bake to pass the time. I’m not sure why I didn’t expect the end result to be none of my pants fitting, but whatever.

In any case, during that year, I got hit on more than I ever have in my entire life. I figured, “Okay, Jess. You look better with some more meat on your bones. Maybe that’s how to get a boy to like you.” Everywhere I went–the mall, the movies, parties–dudes wouldn’t leave me alone. I went to one concert and left with three different guys’ numbers. It was insane.

Thing is, the guys were all sort of creepy. The ones I bothered calling or answering were all very forward and clearly only after one thing. And it was sex. Apparently eating cake isn’t how to get boys to like you anywhere other than bed. (And none of them got me there.)

I had an epiphany this afternoon about that whole time, though. Once my foot healed, I didn’t get hit on as much–even though I didn’t shed all that weight right away. I realized: Maybe it wasn’t my change in weight. Maybe it was my limp.

My theory? If you’re desperate to know how to get a boy to like you and you don’t really care if he has creepy vibes, injure a lower limb, or maybe just stub your toe really hard. If you have a limp, guys will approach you. Not necessarily because they think you’re super cute (even though you are), but probably because they don’t think you’ll be able to run away fast enough to reject them. You’ll be beating them off with a stick. Or, you know, crutches.

(If you’re wondering how to get a boy to like you who isn’t a creep? Keep being you. You’re awesome.)

Have you ever had a guy approach you for a weird or unexpected reason? Have you ever resorted to crazy measures trying to figure out how to get boys to like you? Tell us in the comments!

We know what you’re really thinking when your crush rejects you!

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Unfortunately, rejection is always going to hurt someone’s feelings – especially if you’re rejecting someone who has a crush on you. But despite the fact that it’s going to sting no matter what, there are nicer ways to go about it rather than just telling the dude to get lost. I can’t promise that you can keep your friendship intact (things might be sort of awkward), but I can tell you the nicest way possible to let this guy down.

If you’re really stressing over telling your friend you’re not interested in him that way, try a more subtle approach first. Don’t flirt back with him (you may be doing that without even realizing it) and don’t give him too much more attention than you give your other friends. Basically, don’t give him any reason to believe you like him back. You can also drop hints by mentioning other guys you think are cute or talking about your own crush. But don’t go overboard with that. You don’t want to completely kill this dude’s self-esteem.

Really, the best way to do this is to say something and get it over with. If this guy is head-over-heels for you, subtle attempts at letting him know you don’t feel the same way might not work. Has he ever came out and told you he likes you? Or has he ever asked you out? If so, respond by saying that while you love being his friend, you’re just not interested in him that way. I know that sounds harsh, but those simple terms don’t leave much room for a deeper meaning. If you say something like, “I’m not interested right now” or “I’m just not looking for a relationship right now” he might take that to mean that you will be interested in the future, and then you’ll get his hopes up.

If you do end up telling him you’re not interested, follow up that statement by telling him how much his friendship means to you. Let him know that you don’t want this to affect your relationship right now. I can’t say for sure whether or not your friendship will be okay after that. You may need to give him some time to get over the blow before things can go back to normal. If it’s too much for him to stay just friends with you, you need to respect that.

In the end, the best thing you can do is to be honest. Avoiding this guy or just blowing him off is a way of rejecting him, but it’s not a nice way. I mean, let’s be real, there is no nice way to reject someone. But by being truthful and open with the person, you’re showing them that you at least respect them enough to tell them what the deal is. And even if they don’t appreciate that right now, they will eventually.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

How can you stay just friends with a guy who likes you?

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So when I met my current boyfriend, I made a promise to myself that I would never be like her or any of the other girls out there who chose their BF over their BFFs. But after a few months spent juggling time with my boyfriend, my friends, my family, my job and my me time, I kind of started to empathize with my old friend: making your buddies a priority when you’re in a serious relationship can be harder than you think.

When you start a new relationship, it’s natural to feel an urge to spend all of your time with your boyfriend. It’s normal to start spending less time with your buddies and more time with your BF – your priorities shift. It happens. But still – it sucks. So here are 10 reasons you absolutely need to make time for your friends, no matter how much cuddle time you want with your guy. Trust me, you’ll appreciate this one day.

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Your BF Shouldn't Be The Center Of Your World

I know your boyfriend is awesome and you're really into him. And there's nothing wrong with giving him a little extra attention. But your BF should never be the only important thing in your life - that's not good for your relationship. Both of you should have other friends and spend time apart once in a while. It's healthy and will help keep things interesting. Plus, if you only rely on him to be your everything, what will you do if things end?

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You Need A Support System

Speaking of breaking up... what if you and your man do end things? Crawling back to your friends for support after you've spent the last few months or years blowing them off is kind of a crappy thing to do. Some of your buddies may not be willing to forgive you, and those who do are still going to feel a little taken advantage of. Even if you guys don't break up, you need your girls so you can vent if you and your BF get into a fight. That's what friends are for!

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Girl Time Is Super Important

You can eat an entire carton of ice cream and a bag of chips with your girls, but you can't really do that with your boyfriend. I mean, you can, whatever, but isn't it more fun to pig out with your friends while gossiping about your celebrity crush? It totally is. Girl time is fun and no one should be missing out on it.

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You Don't Want To Deal With FOMO

What happens when you ditch your friends for your boyfriend and they start hanging out without you? FOMO happens, that's what. In case you didn't know, experiencing the Fear Of Missing Out isn't fun - it's lonely. I'm not saying you have to be with your BFF's every day, but making time for them at least once or twice a week is a must.

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You Don't Want To Hurt Your Friends

The last thing you want to do is be the source of your friends' pain. When you blow off your buddies for a guy, it hurts their feelings, and it may even end up being something they can't get over. Treating your friends badly is only going to make you feel bad in the end.

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You Want Your BFF's To Like Your BF... Right?

I'm assuming you want your friends to be friends with your boyfriend, or at least give him their seal of approval. But guess what? If you keep ditching them for him, they're automatically going to hate him for taking their friend away. And that's not really fair to anyone.

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Who Else Can You Watch Pretty Little Liars With?

Like I said before, girl time is important. There are just some things you can't do with your boyfriend - like watching the winter premiere of Pretty Little Liars. Don't force him to sit through something he doesn't like. Some rituals are best performed with friends.

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Your Friends Need You, Too

Your friends need your support as much as you need theirs. If one of your girls calls you because she needs to vent or get advice, don't leave her hanging. Being a good friend is a really great quality to have - don't let a guy take that away from you.

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Do you have trouble making time for your friends and boyfriend? Have you ever had a friend who ditched you for her relationship? Tell me in the comments.

7 ways to get out of a toxic relationship

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Maintaining a legit friendship with any ex- is tricky stuff – usually because both parties are rarely on the same page.

In my very first post for Gurl.com over a year ago, I granted that if a guy has truly moved on from an ex, he certainly might pursue a friendship with her. This can be very common when the guy is the one initiating the break up, and if you want to remain friends (and think you can move on), there’s no reason why you guys shouldn’t become pals. However, if you’re the one doing the dumping, and you suspect he still has feelings for you, be careful – he might be settling for a friendship out of desperation. Or, he might even have sneakier motives, hoping to eventually re-open the possibility of romance in the near future.

Now, on the opposite end of the spectrum, there are also guys who play the friendship card as an easy way to let a girl down. Girls do this, too. More often than not, younger guys head this direction with the noblest of intentions, assuming that a post-romantic relationship is a preferred possibility (any experienced guy knows that it’s usually not either of these things). But only the jerkiest of jerks will string along a girl under the guise of “friendship” as a means to continue hooking up with her. If it does happen (and unfortunately, it does), feel free to notify your school paper of this dishonest behavior – such creepdom should be broadcast to the entire student body.

Of course, once in awhile, two people will date and realize simultaneously that they’re both better off as platonic buddies, which is certainly ideal. But for the most part, because of all the potential variables and conditions involved with both partners’ feelings, maintaining a friendship with an ex is seldom ever that easy. If you’re determined to make one work, be prepared for some honest, open talks that might take you both into very sensitive territory. It’s not impossible, but it requires patience, maturity, and often, an ability to read between the lines of others’ emotions.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

How do you stay friends with a guy who likes you?

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Going solo on New Year’s is so not a big deal! | Source: Shutterstock

I’ve so been there, girl, and the truth is, it’s not nearly as bad as you think. First of all, if you think everyone’s going to notice that you’re alone and think you’re a loser, they won’t. They’re too busy doing their own thing/wondering if they have bad breath/dreading kissing that weird guy they brought to the party. Trust me that there are people in worse situations than you at that party, no matter what! The only way people will think you’re a loser is if you complain and whine about not having a date to kiss. Resist the urge to hide in the bathroom or cry in public. That, my friend, is lame behavior, so just don’t do it.

So, what can you do to get through those awkward, smoocharific 30 seconds after the ball drops? Obviously, you can keep in mind that it really is only 30 seconds (or probably even less!)–it’s not like you’re left out of an hour and a half of activities, girl! Then, if you really think it’s going to be uncomfortable for you (or even painful, if you’ve had a recent breakup), find something else to be doing right at that moment. Volunteer to be the deejay or get a funny noiseblower to blow out at midnight. Whatever it is, make sure it’s something that you think is fun and that you’ll love remembering when you look back on this night. New Year’s is about having fun and starting fresh. For single girls, that can be the most inspiring thing of all.

Do you think you’ll get a New Year’s Eve kiss this year? Do you think there’s too much pressure put on kissing someone at midnight? Tell us in the comments!

What’s The Most Fun Kind Of New Year’s Eve?!

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Are they talking about YOU? | Source: ShutterStock

Dear Ethan,

What do guys tell their friends about sex? Do they explain every detail? Do they lie about stuff they’ve done? Do they talk about it like girls do? Do you think my boyfriend is telling his friends all the stuff we do? HELP!!!!!

First of all, breathe, girlfriend, BREATHE!

The truth is, if it’s is a one-night-stand we’re dealing with, then all bets are off – he may, indeed, reveal every little detail about your encounter to his friends. I wish I could vouch for my gender and assure you that we are all virtuous and respectful – but most guys are not, especially when we have no intention of hooking up with a girl again. And, unlike girls, who talk about sex plenty with each other, but often focus on its more romantic aspects and use euphemisms for private parts, guys do talk about the specific sexual acts which are done to “tits,” “asses,” and other words unfit for print here. You will never hear a guy refer to a girl’s genitals as her “thing.”

While dudes who discuss intimate details with their closest friends are often inevitable annoyances, guys who can’t be stopped from gossiping in public should simply not be trusted. And guys who lie about sexual encounters, while far less common, should be avoided altogether. Their motives may vary from case to case, but the vast majority of guys who lie about this type of stuff are merely insecure and trying to impress their friends. Unfortunately, it’s often at your expense – so while you don’t have to wage war against them, no guy has the right to brag about something that never happened. Not cool.

Relationships follow an entirely different guy code. The general rule is that the longer the relationship, the deeper the love, and the more private the sex. After my first date with my current girlfriend, I couldn’t resist telling my best friend every little detail about the makeout session. Now, two years later, I wouldn’t be caught dead telling any of my buddies what color underwear she owns (stop asking, Dave). Ultimately, if your boyfriend is incapable of keeping your sex life in the bedroom, he’s too immature to be a boyfriend.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Do guys get turned off by virgins?

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While it’s try that we can’t always help who we fall for, there are some situations where it’s best to try to forget about the person we’re crushing on. This may be one of those situations, although that’s entirely up to you. What you need to do right now is decide whether you want to stay besties with your BFF or whether you want to take a chance and admit your feelings to this dude. Unfortunately, you need to make this decision on your own, but fortunately, I can try to help out a little.

If you really want to tell this guy how you feel, you need to consider what could happen. One scenario is that he feels the same way and dumps his GF – and you’ll probably lose your best friend. Another scenario is that he chooses his GF over you, and you not only lose him, but also probably your bestie. You need to seriously consider if you’re willing to lose your BFF over this guy. It’s important to keep in mind that even if you pursue a relationship with him, it might not work out perfectly, and in the end, you’ll be left without a best friend.

It’s also important to remember that stealing her boyfriend from her is going to hurt your best friend a lot. While I’m not saying you have to put her happiness over your own, I do think it’s a good idea to keep in mind that hurting her and losing her may end up making you feel more lonely and guilty than before.

The other option here is to try to forget about this guy. Honestly, I think that’s your best option. For one thing, it’s really not cool of him to be flirting and spending a lot of time with his girlfriend’s best friend. For another thing, forgetting about this guy is going to keep your friendship with your BFF intact – and sometimes, having a loyal friend is even better than having a boyfriend.

Unless you feel like this guy is the love of your life, I would suggest that you try to move on and find someone else to crush on. If you never make a move on him, there’s no need to tell your bestie about your feelings. And who knows? You two could even end up together in the future, when things aren’t so complicated.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

Is it a really bad idea to sext a friend?
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Well, you’ve come to the right place, as I happen to have firsthand experience with this subject. Take comfort knowing that a former girlfriend of mine actually dated a girl before she started going out with me, which obviously didn’t stop us from getting together!

As I’ve written about before, some guys are actually into lesbians. And while you’re obviously not gay, I know that even more guys (i.e. most guys) are anything but turned off by girls who have had homosexual experiences.

I recommend that you act towards this guy as if you were a typical straight girl. By that, I don’t mean that you should deny your female relationship or be ashamed of it in any way – I give you props for simply pursuing whoever you share a connection with. But if this guy is cool enough to actually date you, he shouldn’t be fazed by your past experimentation. So you should go after him as any heterosexual would.

There are plenty of ways to signal to a guy that you like him. (Check out my post on how to flirt with a guy by clicking HERE). If he’s still not getting the message, or you’d like to be a little bit more open with him, find a way to hint at your interest in dudes while he’s around. For example, you can casually refer to a previous relationship with a guy. Or, of course, you can also always mention outright in his presence that you’re bisexual. Sometimes honesty, paired with a little directed flirtation, just works best!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

How do you come out to your friends and family?

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