Your virginity is your business, ladies! | Source: Shutterstock

There’s so much gossip about who’s a virgin, who’s not, who lost their V-card to whom, and on and on and on . . . but um, what is virginity to begin with?

I know you’re rolling your eyes, and being like, *duh* how can you not know what virginity is? But um, I don’t think it’s as simple as you think it is.

A lot of people think that a girl only has her virginity as long as her hymen–a membrane that partially or totally covers the vaginal opening–hasn’t been broken. That said? A lot of people are plainly wrong. Your hymen can be broken lots of ways besides having sex–like through exercise or horseback riding–so what shape it’s in really is no indication of whether or not you’re a virgin. Let’s throw that one in the trash.

Some other people think that your virginity is over the first time anything goes into your vagina. Don’t listen to these people, either! They’re dummies! Using a tampon will not make you lose your virginity, and neither will having a thorough exam at the gynecologist. Virginity is about sex–and since neither of those things are sex, neither of them affect your V-card. Simple as that.

But now we’re coming to the biggie: Since we’ve established that you have your virginity until you have sex for the first time, what kind of sex are we talking about, exactly? There are lots of different kinds of sex, and not everybody will have every kind in their lifetime. Think about it: Most lesbians probably aren’t ever going to ask a dude to enter their vagina, but that doesn’t mean all lesbians are life-long virgins!

This is where things get a little murky and you can make your own call (for some people, oral sex counts, for others it doesn’t)–but I think you lose your virginity the first time you choose to have sex where your bits down there are in contact with someone else’s down there bits. Girls can do it with boys or girls. Guys can do it with girls or guys. It’s an equal opportunity V-card ditch day!

But let’s back up one tiny bit, because I think there’s something else super important that we haven’t talked about. I said that you lose your virginity the first time you choose to have sex–and choose is a super key word. I know that some people think that your virginity can be stolen from you if you are raped or sexually abused in another way, but I don’t like to give that much power to the horrible people who commit such awful crimes. Sex is about pleasure, and to experience it fully, you have to choose to do it yourself. It’s your decision, and nobody elses. I’m not trying to downplay the horrible stuff rape survivors go through–far from it–but I firmly believe that your V-card is yours and yours alone, and that nobody can steal that special feeling that you’ll have the first time you do it because you want to.

How do you define virginity? Do you think we got it right, or are we way off base? Do you still have your V-card? Tell us everything in the comments!

How Will You Know If You’re Ready For Sex?

It might be a good thing to tell him! | Source: Shutterstock

What is virginity, anyway? My BFF always used to say oral sex didn’t count, that you only lost your virginity if you went all the way to homebase. Well, last time I checked, neither you nor your body was a baseball game to be won and conquered.

And while we’re at it, let’s talk language, chicas. ‘Losing’ your virginity? What, like losing a locket in the bleachers? You can’t lose anything on your body. As a thinking, feeling human being you can make choices though. You are precious and special, not your v-card. After all, you’re not a delicate flower or Virgin Barbie branded with a scarlet V. You’re a real live, kick ass girl!

Okay my virgin friend, at some point in the future you may or may not choose to end your virginity. Mazel to you and whatever you decide. So how do you say “I am a virgin” without feeling totally, awkwardly, fatally embarrassed?

Here’s what you need to know…

1. Do I have to tell him?

Awesome relationships are built on communication! | Source: Shutterstock

That being said, the reasons some of us want to ring the bell and say, “hey dude, I’m a virgin” run the gamut. Maybe you’re scared and don’t want your partner to misinterpret your fear as you being disinterested. Another reason to speak up is that you are really feeling someone but you want to take things s-l-o-wwwww-ly. Others of us are waiting until after we’re married as a religious decision. Some want their partner to have a choice too. All great reasons.

2. Should I tell him just before we do it?

For most of our lives we’re told to be in the moment. However, if you want to disclose to a sexual partner that you’re a virgin, the moment to talk about it is before you hit the sheets. Why? Well we place such a premium on virginity that some guys flat out don’t want the perceived responsibility of being someone’s first. Others may feel special and still others may not care. You’ve made a choice of free will, give your partner the respect to do the same by having the convo in a neutral moment.

3. It’s too weird. Can I just text, email or voicemail?

Texting saves us all of the awkward moments and weird convos, right? Wrong. Those possibly uncomfortable moments are what bonds a couple together and creates healthy moments of intimacy. If you can’t get comfy speaking frankly with someone, should you really be having sex with them? Not to be judgey, but I’m gonna say no on this one.

If you want to wait and he doesn't? Find someone else! | Source: Shutterstock

If you want to wait until marriage to have sex, you should definitely let your BF know in the beginning stages of the relationship. If he runs, so what? Now you have room to find someone on the same path you are–and believe me, they’re out there!

The same goes if your policy is no sex without love. If you are choosing not to drop it like it’s hot to any casual date or no strings attached friend with benefits, good for you. Disclose early. If he’s not the one, cool. Find someone on the same relationship clock.

5. But . . . how do I say it?

Things in life are only as dramatic as we make them. Don’t make an appointment for “a talk.” When you’re alone just say something like, “Hey! I am really feeling you so I thought it was important to let you know that I haven’t had sex yet. I was pretty sure you wouldn’t freak out but I just thought you should know. How do you feel about that?”

Bottom line: It’s your body, your choice, and your experience. Take care of yourself and just make sure you feel comfortable every step of the way.

Have you ever told a guy you were a virgin? How did it go? Tell me everything in the comments!

You’ll Never Guess Who Else Is A Virgin!

Parents are away! | ShutterStock.com

We picked a weekend when his parents were out of town, so we could have total privacy. He bought a ton of scented candles and made a mix of love songs. I bought sexy lingerie and made my favorite pasta salad for a romantic dinner. The week before the big night, we had a seven day count down, leaving flirty notes on each other’s cars and winking at each other whenever anyone asked what we were up to that weekend. Sure, I was nervous for sex, but with all of our prep and planning, I knew it was going to be perfect.

I do! I do! | ShutterStock.com

And after all of that prep, I lost my virginity with no candlelight, no music, no lingerie, and no special dinner. Nothing was special about it at all!

A little pasta salad to put you in the mood! | ShutterStock.com

That night, we went through with our perfectly planned special night. Candle light, music, sexy outfit, and pasta dinner. And, I have to say, my second time having sex was totally perfect.

Was your first time everything you dreamed it would be? Let us know in the comments!

Would you rather have a lot of partners? | Source: ShutterStock

Okay, so we’ve already asked you girls if your number of sexual partners is a big deal to you – but now we want to know something a little bit different: would you be okay with only having one sexual partner? As in, only sleeping with one person… ever?

Although that used to be the norm way back when (kind of), nowadays there’s no shame in having more than a couple of sexual partners. But just like there are plenty of people who enjoy sleeping around (nothing wrong with it as long as you’re safe!), there are also plenty of people who stay with their first forever. And there’s nothing wrong with that either! We saw this discussed in the boards, and we want to know: would you be cool with only having sex with one person? Or do you think a girl should experience things? Read what these girls said and then let us know what you think:

Yakubutsu asked:
I’m just wondering…why do lots of people state that they would’ve hated it if they married the only person they slept with, or that it’s better to sleep around before you get married? I know lots of people will just be like “OMFG, I could NEVER marry the ONLY person I’ve had sex with!?” or say it”s “better” to have multiple partners before you do get married, but surely if you’ve found what you’re looking for in all aspects, then that’s worth more than sleeping around? I would love to hear people’s opinions on this. I’ve heard so many people say that you’d be “missing out” if you don’t have more that one partner and so many other people, a massive range of ages, say that it doesn’t really matter at the end of the day if you’ve found what you want.

Is he your one and only? | Source

Jbabiie03 said:
Personally, I don’t think you are “missing out” if you only have one sexual partner. I think that if you only have one sexual partner and you marry him/her, somewhere in the future one will wonder what it would have been like with someone else. I don’t think this applies to everyone but I do think most people will have these thoughts of what it would be like with someone else.

iamsodrunk said:
From my perspective, it’s hard for me to understand how somebody can be happy doing what I see as limiting their experiences. I love experiencing life as much as possible, especially when it comes to personal relationship, and I feel that sexual relationships are a big part of that. I can be really impulsive about sex because in the end, if I DON’T do it then I will always regret not having that experience.

All three girls make great points, and when it comes down to it, we’re going to have to say what they all pretty much ended up saying (check out their full responses here): it really depends on what you want and how you feel.

If you only have sex with one person, and you want to be with them forever, there’s nothing wrong with that! Not everyone needs tons of sexual experiences in life to be happy. But if you want to experience sex with a lot of people, that’s fine too. It’s really about what makes you happy – don’t let society tell you what’s wrong and right.

Who do you agree with? Would you be okay with having one sexual partner? Tell us in the comments!

And also join this convo: would you date a cheater?

So, this week, Lena got a message from a girl who asked if it was okay for girls to masturbate. Lena’s response? Hells yeah, it’s okay! In fact, masturbation is awesome. Some people are confused and think it’s wrong or that masturbation is a sin, but it’s not. It’s safest kind of sex (you’re not going to get pregnant or get any STDs!) and a healthy way to explore your sexuality on your own terms. Lena goes on to bust some popular masturbation misconceptions and give you all the info, confidence, and reassurance you need before getting down with yourself.

Do you have a sexy question for us? Leave it in the comments!

What Should You Do If He Won’t Wear A Condom? We’ve Got Answers!

Think he's an expert? Maybe not. | Source

My mom was raised Catholic so it was just something you didn’t discuss. She never told my sister and me about menstruation so when I got my period I thought something was super wrong and that I would drop dead at any minute–really. Then when I told her, she just warned me that I could get pregnant now. Mom never even said the word “S-E-X.”

My all-girls school wasn’t much better. By the time I left there, I still basically still knew nothing about sex. Our sex ed was a one-time session around 8th grade with some wacky teacher waving around a banana covered with a condom. Her spiel was that AIDS would kill almost anyone who was sexually active.

I assumed that the lack of info I had around love, sex, dating and my body was just a female thing. Like we women didn’t really know much, but the boys, they knew everything. And when they talked? I was going to listen.

Since there were no boys in my everyday life, I started dating the first dude who rode through my block. We had our first kiss when some time after my Sweet Sixteen. He pulled me in and tongued me down right in front of my parents’ house! I was terrified and titillated–and felt like he must know exactly what he was doing. We started getting together for hot makeout sessions in the back of his mom’s blue Volvo.

Listen to yourself first, girl! | Source

When we decided to go all the way, it was over before I even knew it started. Later I asked him if that’s basically, you know, all there was. I couldn’t understand what all of the fuss was about. It was then that he explained that he was a virgin too! We both had our first time together. My “love guru” didn’t know anymore than what I knew.

My point in telling you all of this is that some guys–even the guys who are just as inexperienced or less experienced than you–will try to tell you what’s “right” or how things “work” with sex. Some guys tell girls that if they have blue balls and don’t get sex, they’ll die (HA!) or that there’s no way that you can get pregnant if you have sex, say, in a swimming pool (soooo not true!). Some of these guys are flat out liars, and those guys should be avoided at all cost, but then other guys are just telling you what their friends or older brothers told them. Chances are, they don’t know any more about sex than you do.

So, educate yourself, girl. Poke around this site–poke yourself a little, too!–and be honest with your partners. You’ll figure it all out in good time.

Did your parents ever tell you about sex? Have dudes tried to tell you things that weren’t true about sex? Tell me everything in the comments!

Need Birth Control? Here’s Help!

waterbedgallery.com

I didn’t so much lose my virginity as I was relieved of it. I was 21 when I finally gave up my v-card to my on-off/drama-filled/never-really-knew-where-we-stood boyfriend, J. I was so ready to stop being a virgin—it was starting to define me. But I had waited so long because I really wanted sex to be special. Meaningful. And frequent! When I was about 19 I figured that since I’d held out that long, I might as well wait until I found someone special.

And then it turned out my someone special had a waterbed. Yes, I lost my virginity on a waterbed. God knows why J had a waterbed in 2005 but he did and I was too in love with him to suggest, say, a stationary mattress for my first time having sex. I don’t recommend this.

The liquid-filled bed was like a third person in the room with us, gurgling and sloshing around like a big fat blubbery stomach. It made way more noise than a regular bed frame, to the point that J stopped in the middle and said the worst thing: “I can’t stop thinking about my parents.”

“You…you what?” I stammered, hoping I’d misheard him.

“No, not like that or anything weird,” he quickly backtracked. “I’m just worried that this damn bed is super loud!”

Well, it would have been the only loud thing. Based solely on movie sex scenes, I expected to either be in serious pain or serious ecstasy my first time. But really, I didn’t feel all that much. At least not in my lady regions. Emotionally though, I was more in love with J than ever. He was sweet and slow and nose-to-nose, always asking me if I was okay. It was so Cruel Intentions!

weheartit.com

But, eventually J’s paranoia got the better of him and we stopped. It was a fairly anti-climactic experience (in every sense of the word) but the real fireworks came the next morning, when my two best friends, Sam and Chrissy, met me for lunch.

As I gushed about J and how happy I was and how I thought this really marked the turning point in our romance, I noticed that my friends were wincing at every word.

“We need to tell you something,” Sam began. “Remember that rumor that J was sleeping with Lizzie?”

How could I forget! I’d had a meltdown over gossip that he was hooking up with one of my friends. But J swore up and down that it was totally false.

“Well,” Chrissy finished, “he was. We drove around all night looking for you to tell you before you slept with him but we couldn’t figure out where J lived! We’re so sorry honey!”

I sat there numbly as they poured out the details. I’d waited 21 years for this experience—who knew I needed to hold out 21 years and one day?

I ended up escaping to Italy for my study abroad about a month later and spending the entire time getting over J. Now, when I meet a boy I’m dying to have sex with, I make sure that I take a good hard look at the kind of dude he really is and wait as long as possible before sleeping with him.

Then I wait one more day.

Are you waiting a long time to have sex? Did you wait a long time? How did you know the time was right for you to lose your V-Card? Tell me everything in the comments!

Do you wish you’d waited longer for sex? Here’s how to deal.

Don't let it bring you too far down. | Source: CollegeCandy.com

If I could, I would come over there and give you a huge hug. I’m so sorry that your first time wasn’t as special as you wanted it to be – and that this guy turned out to be so disappointing. It stinks when something we’ve always thought about doesn’t happen the way we want it to, but unfortunately, that’s just how life is sometimes.

Khloe Kardashian has publicly admitted to regretting the way she lost hers | Source: AnythingHollywood.com

Losing your virginity is a big thing for a girl, and I’m sure it seems like everyone around you is losing it in some super special way with a really great dude. In movies and TV shows, it’s all candles, roses and sweet “I love you’s”; but the sad truth is that in real life, it’s usually not like that. The first time having sex is not great for every girl – it can be awkward, disappointing, and messy. So trust me, you’re not alone here.

That being said, what happened is in the past, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Now it’s time to move on from that bad experience and to get over this loser guy who treated you badly. He isn’t worth your time or energy, and he definitely isn’t worth crying over (read my advice on getting over someone for more tips).

The good news is that now you can learn from your mistakes and focus on your next first time with a different dude. Before you have sex with someone new, make sure you have a conversation about where your relationship is going. Don’t jump into sex with anyone else unless you know they love and care about you, and you feel totally comfortable with them. I’m not saying you have to wait until marriage, but just give yourself some time – the first time is important, but that doesn’t mean the second time can’t be just as important.

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

Next, Heather gives advice on convincing your parents to let you do what you want!

Lose Your Virginity

As someone who stayed a virgin until she was junior in college, I have a soft spot in my heart for any celeb who roils against the urge to get it on. For me, waiting to go all the way wasn’t about religion or fear of STDs–I just wanted it to be special..and frequent! And alas, that didn’t happen until I was 21. But no two virgins–not even famous virgins–are alike, girls.

Take a look at these 10 stars who are famous for their celibacy and tell me which one you identify with the most!

1. Jonas Brothers

A few years ago, Nick, Kevin and Joe couldn’t talk enough about their commitment to their purity rings. Kev got hitched to his long time GF (presumably without going all the way first) but girl-crazy Joe and Nick, who’s new girl Delta Goodrem is 25, have been suspiciously quite about their infamous virginity lately. Do you think they’ve given in to temptation?

2. Jessica Simpson

Back before she sold super sexy shoes and clothes, Jessica Simpson was the ultimate good girl, vowing to stay pure until she said “I Do” to long term boyfriend, Nick Lachey only to divorce him a few years later. If virginity is a gift, let’s hope she kept the receipt.

3. Lisa Kudrow

Yep, the Friends star refused to go all the way until she married her husband—when she was 32! Could you hold out that long?

4. Tim Tebow

SWOON! The straightedge, Jesus-freak football star is just as famous for his commitment to virginity as he is for kicking butt on the field. When you look at this sizzling hunk of boy, do you think his prudishness is a waste…or totally wonderful?

5. Tim Gunn

Ok fine he’s not technically still in possession of his V-card, but the fashion guru recently confessed that he hasn’t had sex in 29 years—and couldn’t be happier! Don’t you think we should give him a born-again badge? Or is it just kind of sad that he’s been so alone for so long?

6. Jordin Sparks

The newly slim American Idol star reportedly travels with her grandma to make sure that boys don’t try to get into her pants. Nobody gets past Nana!

7. Taylor Lautner

In a YouTube interview, the  Twilight star revealed that he practices abstinence. Could that be the reason that his Hollywood relationships don’t last? Who should we set him up with??

8. Adriana Lima

When people find out I was a 21-year-old V, everyone says “We’re you ugly or something?” Um no I was not, thanks. And neither was Victoria’s Secret supermodel Adriana Lima, who dated Derek Jeter and Lenny Kravitz but didn’t do the deed until she married NBA star Marko Jaric…at age 27.

9. Matthew Morrison

Oh yes, Mr. Schu was pure as the driven snow until he was 21. The Glee star says that he managed to wait to lose it until he moved to Manhattan to pursue stardom…and apparently, more than a few lucky ladies.

10. Venus & Serena Williams

Unlike Jordin, these sexless sisters don’t need to tote a purity body guard. I pity the fool who tries to put the moves on these strong-willed women!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
What do you think about celeb virginity? So cool or kind of preachy? Tell me in comments!

Will A Guy Who Loves You Wait To Sleep With You? Find Out Here!

famous virgins

Who cares who he was with in the past? He's with you now!

It’s totally normal to wonder how many people your sweetie was with before you – actually, it’s totally normal to wonder how many people anyone has slept with. We’re human, and we think about these things. But does that mean it’s really any of your business? Is it a necessary thing to know about the person you’re sleeping with (or going to sleep with)?

Since it’s such a tricky question to ask, and since a lot of people lie about their number anyway, we’re always thinking about this issue over at Gurl. When we spotted it in the message boards, we knew we had to ask you guys what your opinion is. Read what these girls had to say, and then let us know what you think: is it okay to ask a dude how many people they had sex with before you?

pmaphlet asked:
So how do you guys think you could ask a guy how many girls he’s been with/ what his number is? Is this reasonable to ask a guy? I mean if you’re going to be in a serious relationship with someone, isn’t it a LITTLE necessary to know their number, just in case you’re worried about STDs and stuff? Do all you know your boyfriends “number”?

greenbeans23 replied and said:
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want to know how many sexual partners he’s had and to ask him. Just straight up ask him, “how many people have you had sex with?” If you two are going to be having sex you should be comfortable enough for your partner to know these things. At least that’s how I feel.

Does it really matter?

iamsodrunk replied and said:
I don’t think it’s necessary to know at all. The number of people someone has been with and their STD status is not related. Someone can have sex with one person (or nobody!) and have an STD. Alternatively, someone could have sex with 30 people and have no STD. If you’re worried about STDs, ask them specifically about STDs and consider going to get tested with them. But if you’re just curious about their number, I think it’s important to realize that someone’s sexual history isn’t necessarily your business. So I usually ask by, “you don’t have to answer this if you don’t feel comfortable, but… how many people have you had sex with?” Simple, straight forward, and respectful of their privacy.But if you’ve asked him already and he hasn’t told you a number, I’d take that as a clue that he considers that his private business.

We definitely have to agree with iamsodrunk … it’s not necessary to know what your BF’s number is, and what she said about STDs is totally correct. The number of people someone has slept with is a personal thing, and it’s entirely up to your BF if he wants to tell you. So while you can ask if it’s really bugging you, he doesn’t have to fill you in.

Also, think about it this way: what is knowing his number really going to do for you? If you find out he’s been with way more people than you, it might end up making you feel weird, jealous or like you can’t measure up (which you shouldn’t!). The thing is, how many people someone was with before you really doesn’t matter in your current relationship – all that matters it that they’re only sleeping with you now.

Do you ask your boyfriends what their numbers are? Would you tell other people what your number is? Who do you agree with? Tell us in the comments.

Do you think you’re born with your sexuality?