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I Regret Losing My Virginity. Now What?

Jessica Booth — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 18:00:17 +0000

Don't let it bring you too far down. | Source: CollegeCandy.com

Lose Your Virginity

Dear Heather,

Help! I am 15 years old and in January I lost my virginity. It was with a boy who I had known for two years and had very strong feelings for, but I didn’t have a proper relationship with him. We met up a few times a week for that full two years to hook up. One night things got rather carried away and we had sex, it was nothing like I wanted it. I wanted my first time to be really special, but it wasn’t.

A month has passed, and now the boy I did it with only talks to me when the conversation has something to do with sex. I thought I trusted him and I thought he wouldn’t just stop talking to me after we did it. I’m starting to get really paranoid that he might have just been talking to me just so he could sleep with me. Right after we did it, he started going out with another girl and I was so confused. Because I had sex with him, my feelings did grow stronger, and now I’m always upset.

I wish I could go back in time and change everything, but I can’t. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

If I could, I would come over there and give you a huge hug. I’m so sorry that your first time wasn’t as special as you wanted it to be – and that this guy turned out to be so disappointing. It stinks when something we’ve always thought about doesn’t happen the way we want it to, but unfortunately, that’s just how life is sometimes.

Khloe Kardashian has publicly admitted to regretting the way she lost hers | Source: AnythingHollywood.com

Losing your virginity is a big thing for a girl, and I’m sure it seems like everyone around you is losing it in some super special way with a really great dude. In movies and TV shows, it’s all candles, roses and sweet “I love you’s”; but the sad truth is that in real life, it’s usually not like that. The first time having sex is not great for every girl – it can be awkward, disappointing, and messy. So trust me, you’re not alone here.

That being said, what happened is in the past, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Now it’s time to move on from that bad experience and to get over this loser guy who treated you badly. He isn’t worth your time or energy, and he definitely isn’t worth crying over (read my advice on getting over someone for more tips).

The good news is that now you can learn from your mistakes and focus on your next first time with a different dude. Before you have sex with someone new, make sure you have a conversation about where your relationship is going. Don’t jump into sex with anyone else unless you know they love and care about you, and you feel totally comfortable with them. I’m not saying you have to wait until marriage, but just give yourself some time – the first time is important, but that doesn’t mean the second time can’t be just as important.

take care,
heather

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Lose Your Virginity

How Do You Get Out Of A Friends With Benefits Mess?

Jessica Booth — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 18:00:51 +0000

These two made it work... in the movie. | Source: Tumblr.com

Check out what’s new on our boards! Right now, girls are talking about friends with benefits relationships. Check it out:

bubblygirl22 said:

How do I get out of a friends with benefits mess? I think we both care a lot about each other, but it’s so complicated. We spend time together just hanging out. But we have sex. Sometimes it’s just a booty call. Sometimes it’s literally just hanging out. But I don’t know what to think of it. I wonder if he thinks of me as more, and worry that he doesn’t. I think I do want more. I am growing attached to him. I feel like I should ‘run away’, get out while I can, but he’s my friend. I can’t run and don’t want to lose him. Yet we’ve both agreed we’re ‘too complicated already to be in a relationship’, though he’s asked me before if that’s all I want or if I want something more… I don’t know what to do.

Got something to add to this convo? Then go for it, girl. Give this girl some advice on what she should do right here in the message boards.

Ask A Guy: Why Will He Hook Up With Me But Not Call Me His GF?

Ethan Fixell — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 23:00:49 +0000

If he's like Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids? Get rid of him! | Source: Gawker.com

How To Date Him

Dear Ethan: I’ve had guys do this to me, so it’s been bothering me. Why am I good enough to talk to and kiss and have sex with , but yet I’m not good enough for you to bring me around your family or friends, much less ask me to be your GF??!!

The first step in getting a guy to show some respect for your relationship is to make him work for sex. Not that he needs to do dog tricks or your Poly Sci paper, but going all the way should be a prize reserved for someone that you’ve come to trust and develop feelings for. And the longer you make him wait, the more invested he’ll become.

After fooling around for a few months – or even weeks, if things are moving quickly – you need to make your desire for exclusivity clear. As I revealed in a previous post, males are biologically wired for sex without strings. So you might need to sweetly, but explicitly, explain that you’re looking for something more than just “friends with benefits.”

He won't commit? Don't let him down there. | Source: Mnn.com

If he’s still avoiding monogomy after that conversation, it’s time to cut him loose. Either something from his past is holding him back (e.g. a lingering ex-, a commitment phobia, etc.), or “he’s just not that into you” (read the book, skip the movie). Plus, if he truly does have affections but has been taking you for granted, once you stop making him a priority (or, even more powerfully, start dating someone else), he’ll come running back faster than Usain Bolt in the 100 meter dash. Conversely, should he appear unfazed by the fact that you’re no longer physically or emotionally available, then you know he wasn’t worth the heartache in the first place.

One word of caution, however: if you decide to move on, make sure you mean it. Doing so simply to make him jealous will only make the situation worse. Break ties for yourself, and not to keep the attention of some dude who, thus far, hasn’t been taking your relationship – or your feelings – seriously. Assuming he does happen to come crawling back, then you can choose whether or not to grant him a second chance. At that point, free to remind him, as a great philosopher of our time once declared, “If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.”

Good luck!
Ethan

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Should I Become Friends With Benefits With My Ex?

Heather — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 19:00:56 +0000

Best idea? Stay away from your ex. | Source: CollegeCrush

Friends With Benefits

Dear Heather,

I was in a relationship with my ex for a year and two months, but we broke up a few weeks ago. I want to get back with him, but he only wants to be friends with benefits… Is that a good idea?

The short answer, in my honest opinion, is this: absolutely not. No, no, no. Getting into a friends with benefits relationship with anyone rarely works out, and becoming FWB with your ex, especially so soon after your breakup, is almost destined to end in heartbreak. Here’s why:

Have you ever heard the expression ‘why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free’? That might sound blunt and a little harsh, but in most cases, it also ends up being very true. It sounds like your ultimate motive here is to get your ex to be in a real relationship with you again. And it sounds like his ultimate motive is to hook up. By agreeing to be FWB with him with no strings attached, you’re giving him exactly what he wants: casual hookups AND complete freedom. He’s getting the best of both worlds, and why would he want to change that?

Vanessa & Zac supposedly tried it... didn't work out. | Source: EOnline

I know it’s hard to hear that, because I know you want to believe that spending time with you again will make him realize he misses you. And while it’s possible, it probably isn’t going to happen. You guys broke up for a reason, and maybe that reason is that you’re not supposed to be together right now. If your ex did want to get back together with you, he would say that. He wouldn’t be asking to be friends with benefits. Guys don’t normally beat around the bush when it comes to their feelings.

The major concern here is how you’re going to end up feeling. You might think you’re okay with casual encounters with your ex, but since you obviously still have feelings for him, it’s only going to hurt you. He won’t be able to give you what you want, and you’ll be compromising yourself for him – that doesn’t sound very fair to you at all, if you ask me.

After a breakup, the best thing to do is to take some time completely apart in order to move on. Hooking up with him randomly is definitely not the way to get over him. I’m not saying you have to fight with this dude, but keep your distance for a little while. If he really, truly misses you, he’ll try to get you back. In the meantime, focus on yourself and what you really deserve.

take care,
heather

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Friends With Benefits

From The Message Boards: Can Guys and gURLs Really Just Be Friends?

Jessica Booth — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 20:00:40 +0000

Blair and Dan tried being just friends... um... didn't work out too well.

It’s one of the biggest debates ever (okay, so maybe not ever, but when it comes to love, definitely): can men and women really just be friends? Some people say that they can’t because there will always be some kind of attraction from at least one person between them. But doesn’t that seem a little bit ridiculous? Shouldn’t a guy and a gURL be able to just be totally platonic without wanting to hook up? We started thinking about it after seeing this post in the message boards, and we want to know what you think. Check out these opinions and then tell us your own in the comments.

maemaeandjose asked:
I been thinking about this whole topic of can men and women be just friends? Of course there or exception to the rule, but I mean in general?

phunky-fresh replied, saying:
I think that at one point in time one person thinks of the other as more than just a friend. I’m not talking about having full on feelings but just a random thought that crosses their minds. It’s normal; you are two people from the opposite sex that are obviously attracted to each other in some way and that’s how you ended up as friends in the first place. No matter how close you are with someone it doesn’t mean they are going to just openly tell you, especially if they aren’t sure you are thinking the same, some people keep it hidden and then eventually the feelings fade. It happens, sometimes people are in denial and would like to think this isn’t the case.

But Alex and Meredith make it work!

a_wolves_spirit replied, saying:
Yes. I don’t understand why people have such a problem with this. You don’t “have” to have sex with every person of the other sex. You can, but just because they’re the opposite sex of you doesn’t mean you WILL.

So what do we have to say about this? Well, this kind of thing really depends on your situation. Sometimes it definitely seems like it’s not possible, but in the end we’d like to think that it is. It might sometimes (or most of the time) turn into something more, but there are plenty of people who can just be friends without hooking up. In our opinion, yeah, guys and gURLs can and should just be friends.

WDYT, gURLs? Who do you agree with the most? Have you had any kind of experience with this? Tell us in the comments.

Mila Kunis Doesnt Have Friends With Benefits IRL

Jenn Inzetta — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 19:56:04 +0000

Mila Kunis

Mila Kunis
Mila Kunis

Next week, Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake‘s new movie Friends With Benefits will hit theaters. But just because Mila plays a FWB, that doesn’t mean she’s ever actually been one herself.

And she doesn’t want one, either.

According to Teen.com Mila told GQ, “I can give you my stance on it: It’s like communism—good in theory, in execution it fails. Friends of mine have done it, and it never ends well. Why do people put themselves through that torture?”

What do you gURLs think? Do you agree with Mila Kunis, or do you think a friends with benefits relationship can work? Discuss!

Watch: Friends With Benefits and No Strings Attached Are The Same Movie

Gurl — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 15:00:33 +0000

Look familiar?

If you feel like you’ve already seen the movie Friends With Benefits, starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, that’s probably because you already kind of did – it’s almost the exact same freakin’ movie as No Strings Attached, which starred Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

|Have you ever done the friends with benefits thing? Tell us your story on the Shout Out Boards.|

Both movies have pretty much the exact same story line and some scenes are almost identical to each other.

Don’t believe us? Check out this really clever mash-up video of both movies trailers, which will show you exactly what we’re talking about:

WDYT, gURLs? Are you going to see Friends With Benefits? Are you totally over this story line? Discuss!

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Should You Hook Up With Your Friend?

Rachel Stein — Tue, 10 May 2011 20:50:39 +0000

Can a gURL be friends with someone she’s attracted to? Absolutely! Does that mean she should hook up with them? Um? Maybe! Take this quiz and find out it’s time for you to make the leap from BFFs to FWB — or if you best keep your impulse on the DL.

Ask Elizabeth: Me and My Guy Friend Like Each Other. Should We Go for It?

Gurl — Fri, 06 May 2011 21:19:11 +0000

it's innocent now... but can it be more?

In honor of her new book Ask Elizabeth, Elizabeth Berkley (aka Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell!) is here to answer your questions about life, love and more. Check out her advice all week, and look out for your chance to win a copy of her book on Friday, May 6! Now, on to your questions.

I have been best friends with this guy since 7th grade, I’m in 10th grade now. We tell each other everything and we are extremely close. But in the past couple years he’s been trying to hook up with me. I don’t mind cause I’ve always had feelings for him, but I just can’t bring myself to do anything with him. This has happened multiple times. My friends say I should just go for it cause something good may come of it. But I’m too scared to take the risk. What should I do?

As you know, guy BFFs can be amazing and yes, it can get complicated because of how close you feel to him. I totally understand your dilemma: He means so much to you, that you worry if it’s worth the risk of saying something or not (and the possibility of rejection is scary!). You’ve shared so much these past few years, and I’m guessing he’s the one you want to confide in and have built great trust with—not to mention special memories! I can imagine how hard it must be to keep this inside, when you feel so open and free with him to let it rip about everything else. He’s been the one you spill everything to and suddenly, even though it’s only one little secret, it kind of becomes all you think about when you’re with him…and even when you’re not. Don’t you hate and love it at the same time, feeling that much for someone? Yes…No…tell him…don’t tell him…? Uuuggghhh!!

|What’s on your mind? Discuss on the Shout Out Boards!|

To go for it or not to go for it…that is the question! I’m not saying it’s easy—I totally get the nerves you must be feeling! Here’s the good news: in your case, you already have the great benefit of knowing he DOES have feelings for you. Your situation feels like it is worth the risk to say something, knowing that once you do, even though it could change the dynamics of your friendship, it’s what you both want. And, like your other friends say, your relationship with this guy could be even more amazing than it is right now. I’m excited for you!!

An Ask Elizabeth girl I work with wanted to support you and share this with you: 17 year-old Abby went right to the heart of the question, “It’s such a risky thing. I know people think you can go back to being friends if it doesn’t work out, but that hardly ever happens. I feel like I want to say don’t date your best friend, but if you can’t date the guy you feel closest to, then who should you date?!?”

|Need a second opinion? Take the “should you hookup with your friend?” quiz!|

-elizabeth

What do you think of Elizabeth’s advice? Should the gURL go for it? What would you do? Share your stories below.

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I Want Something Real But He Just Wants Sex

Heather — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 16:23:36 +0000

wonder what's on his mind...

Hi Heather,

I currently have everything going great. Except for one boy. This is the boy that I lost my virginity to. It happened over the summer. He wanted something on the ‘down low’ and I went along with it because I had a lot of feelings for him. I thought sex would make him want a relationship. I was wrong. We hooked up for about two months over the summer then he quit talking to me after telling me he still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I was crushed. But. I’m a strong girl and I worked my hardest to get over it.

It’s now 9 months later, and I’ve been working on getting fit, and I do look good. Anytime we’re at a party together I catch him looking at me. I notice it and so do a lot of my friends. Recently he texted me and wants to start hanging out again. I know he only wants sex again, and I know it will end up bad if I do it again.

Problem is, it’s the only thing I want to do. I keep thinking maybe this time he’ll date me. I don’t know how to talk to him about it without scaring him away. And I don’t know what to do…I just need some advice.

Even though you really want things to work out with this guy, you know in your heart that it won’t. He’s not interested in a relationship with you, period. And no matter how hard you try, no amount of hooking up, losing weight, or being awesome will change that, because this guy’s issues have nothing to do with you as a person.

|Talk all about your relationship drama on the Shout Out Boards.|

Because you can’t even talk to the guy about being in a relationship without scaring him away, it’s time to let that ship sail and give up the idea of ever becoming a couple with him. Honestly, if a person only pays attention to you when you’re looking you’re hottest, he’s probably not boyfriend material to begin with. It sucks, but you’re dodging a major bullet since this guy clearly carries a lot of personal drama.

If you really want to have sex with him again because you find the hook up fun, that’s a whole ‘nother story. While having sex with a person biologically strengthens our emotional bond and makes us more attached to them, there is such thing as hooking up without getting hurt. But it doesn’t really sound like that’s possible for you, and it is so not worth being crushed yet again by the same guy.

|This gURL has been jerked around for two whole years! Heather helps her before it’s too late.|

Stay true to yourself and your feelings, and use your strength to get out of this situation and meet a loving sweetie who will not only want to sleep with you, but who will also appreciate you for you.

Good luck, and let me know how everything goes.

What do you think, gURLs? Should she dump the guy and find someone new? Have you ever been in her position? Share your stories and advice below!

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com.

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Pearls of wisdom, survey q’s, polls, quotes to live by — it’s all on gURL.com’s Twitter. Follow us!
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