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Whatever the Dermatologist Told You

Oh you have a weird rash? Terrible bacne? Congratulations, those are just about the least sexy things to discuss ever. Discuss it with your mom, your friends, your sister. But NOT the new dude you just started seeing. He doesn’t want to hear it. Would you?

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The Dream You Had Last Night

OMFG is there anything worse than someone describing a dream in all of it’s meandering nonsense? “And then there was this walrus but he, like, wasn’t a walrus but he was also kind of a walrus and then there was this big chili pepper--” I just bored myself writing that sentence. Imagine how your date feels.

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Your Period

“Sorry, it’s my week off,” is my go-to statement about Aunt Flo--and that’s all I say. No discussion of cramps or tampons or ruined underwear. Menstruation is such a foreign thing for boys that trying to wrap their head around it makes the feel disgusted, terrified and confused all at the same time. Save the period talk for your girlfriends.

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That Thing He Did Wrong...8 Months Ago

The golden rule of fighting is to avoid bringing up past crap. If you’ve already argued and made up about something ages ago, leave it buried where it belongs. Keep your current tiffs on current topics.

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How Much You Hate His Mom

Everyone knows that you can bitch about your own family 24/7 but if someone else dares to chime in and agree? Murder! This can be hard to avoid if he’s always griping about his family--you naturally want to agree and support him--but that could put you on the losing end of a mom-girlfriend battle royale.

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Your Recent Bout of Food Poisoning

There’s something about being sick that makes us want to share every gory detail with everyone we meet but please for the love of God keep any food poisoning deets to yourself on a date. It’s basically the anti-Viagra.

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All The Things You Hate About Yourself

We all have that friend who can’t stop asking if she looks fat. It’s annoying isn’t it? But hey, we’re girls, we understand. Guys do not. They don't want to hear you obsess about your wobbly bits or too-small boobs. Take a cue from the One Direction song and realize that they aren’t looking at you through a critical lens--they love all those little things and you should too!

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His Skinny Calves/Small Biceps/Man Boobs

This is not a joke, people. I once made the mistake of pointing out an ex’s skinny calves--BIG MISTAKE. That’s like circling a girl’s cellulite, apparently. Guys, like girls, have a whole list of things they hate about themselves that never even occur to us--scrawny forearms?? What?--so be careful what you tease him about. It just may be his Achilles heel.

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His Ex

The more you talk about his ex girlfriend, the more he’ll assume that you’re threatened by her. And that will make you look weak and petty. He’s with you, not her, so unless there’s a real tangible reason to be all twisted up about her (like they’re still hanging out, he won’t put away her pics, etc) treat her as if she’s a non-factor.

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Your Ex

I talk about my exes so much I wrote a book about them but trust me, the guy you’re currently dating wants no part of your past. Like, none. It’s a ridick sentiment, but guys like to try to convince themselves that you never loved/kissed/bedded ANY male before them. Do you want to hear the ins and out of his last conquest? Didn’t think so.

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What do you think about keeping some things mum in front of dudes? Have you blabbed about any of the above?Tell me in the comments!

Awesome Sex Tip T.Swift Taught Me!

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Source: MTV

I’m completely addicted to the show Catfish–where two filmmakers help lovelorn people figure out if their online crushes are actually real people–but I never thought I’d get Catfished IRL.

Lemme ‘splain.

A few weeks ago one of my Twitter followers told me that someone was using my image on their OkCupid profile.

Confession time: once upon a time I did some online dating. So I figured that my loyal Tweep had just stumbled upon a profile I’d neglected to delete and now I’d have to explain that I online dated.

I prepared to be awash in embarrassment (because even though online dating is totally normal, it’s not something I’m completely comfortable talking about)…until I clicked the link…

Source: OkCupid.com

OMFG! WTF? R U KIDDING ME?!?! That would be my author picture for my last book, Exes and Ohs, and that was most definitely not my OkCupid profile because I don’t have an OkCupid profile. Absolute panic washed over me. Was I creeped out? Flattered? Furious? All of the above! I mean great she thought I was cute enough to use for her (assume it is a her) profile but HELLO! That’s me! And I instantly thought about who she’s out there duping. Is she Catfishing someone with my picture? That’s horrible! I don’t want to be a part of someone getting crushed because they fell for an online mirage.

Source: MTV

My next big question was: is she using my entire life–not just my pic–as a template for her own? I clicked around her page and noticed that there wasn’t much Shallon-ness to be found. Her occupation was listed as an outlet mall manager, and she didn’t seem to have any hobbies or interests. Besides ganking other people’s photos, obviously.

Another thing that bugged me was the username. Shorty_22? Do I look like I use the word shorty? I am not Justin Bieber, people. Um NOR AM I 34. Like, not even close.

I sent the site an email asking them to remove the profile or at least the picture, but in the meantime, I took matters into my own hands and made a fake profile of a dude to try and Catfish her right back!

My guy friend Matt helped me fill out the rest of the profile (I SO WISH I’d screencapped it, curses!) but basically I talked about my love of race cars and how I had a dog named Pistachio. I decided to name him Jarret. Then I sent Shorty_22 a message, which was kind of the strangest part about this whole saga: trying to hit on a girl, as a guy.

Being a girl, I always assume that it’s so easy to chat up a female–just say hi! Compliment her! Be yourself!–but when you’re the one doing it, it’s confusing. And I’m not even actually a guy! And I don’t even know/like this Shorty_22! How is this my life? Anyway. After about 10 attempts and rewrites, wracking my brain about what I liked to hear when I was online dating, I wrote:
What’s up, saw your profile and thought you have a great smile  Did you grow up in NV? I’m born and bred but I try to travel a lot, see what else is out there. How about yourself? Hope you’re having a great week!

I felt so lame. Not just because Fake Jarret was hitting on Fake Shallon but because he was doing it so clumsily.

Sadly, Shorty never responded. OH I’M SORRY FAKE SHALLON, IS JARRET STOLL NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? And what about poor Pistachio?

About a week later, OkCupid removed Shorty_22’s profile so I deleted Fake Jarret’s account too–the last thing I wanted was some poor girl to fall in love with a Catfish.

All in all, as irked as I was that someone had stolen my pic, I felt really sad for that person. Whoever they are IRL can’t be so bad that they need to invent a whole new person. I’m sure that Shorty_22 is a perfectly nice, lovable girl who will DEF have better luck in life if she just owns who she is.

Love is like sales–if you don’t believe in your own product, how can you expect anyone else to buy what you’re selling? Hopefully, whoever Shorty_22 really is learned her lesson and stuck to the truth when it comes to online dating–and stays far away from my photos!

Have you ever pretended to be someone you’re not online? What would you do if you found out that someone stole your pic? Let me know in the comments!

Is Your Diet Soda Making You Depressed?

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Realizing that a guy doesn’t like you back is definitely maybe the worst feeling in the world. But even more terrible is having to pretend you aren’t completely crushed. And even more terrible-er? The fibs you come up with to keep up the act. Here’s what we know you’re thinking when you get negged by your crush.

The School Dance

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She said: Ask Luke to Sadie Hawkins? Pfft nah I don’t want to be tied to one guy all night long, let’s just to a big girls group!

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She meant: I already oh-so-casually brought the dance up to him and he mumbled something about a big guys group. FML.

Over Text

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She said: Haha omg I was kidddinnngggg it was just an emoji!

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She meant: Well. If he didn’t appreciate a kissyface emojicon over text I guess he won’t like one IRL. Excuse me while I bury my phone—and possibly myself—in the backyard so I’ll never text something so pathetic again.

When He Talks About Another Girl

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She said: Oh yeah, Allie is, like, soooo cool. If you’re into, ya know, boobs and long blonde hair and all that…

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She meant: I hate her with the fire of a thousand suns. I’ll think of a reason later.

When You Try to Flirt

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She said: My eye? Yeah uh guess my contact is all wonky or something…

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She meant: That was supposed to be a wink. Great. I probably look like I was having some sort of seizure. SEXY.

When You See Him on a Date With Someone Else

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She said: OMG you guys I soooo don’t care. It was just a “no.” I’ve heard that word before. I’ll BRB, bathroom.

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She meant: WHY GOD WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME! I can actually feel my heart breaking in half. I’m going to lock myself in the stall for the next 20 minutes and weep. Then pretend I had an allergy attack.

When He Says You’re Like a Sister To Him

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She said: Haha umm thanks bro…

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She meant: I’m sure this is how Prince William described Kate when he first fell for her right, RIGHT?!

Ever been rejected by a crush? How did you handle it? With a little lie or two? Let us know in the comments.

True story: One of Gurl’s writers rejected Adam Levine!

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At first glance, dating a guy’s idol doesn’t seem all that cruel at all. But think about how you would feel if your ex rebounded with whoever’s poster happens to be on your bedroom wall. Do you want to picture your ex with, say, Taylor Swift or Rihanna? Horrible, right?

I know. And that’s exactly why I dated my ex-boyfriend’s hero.

J was probably the worst boyfriend to ever walk planet earth. He seemed to completely hate having me around. He refused to hold hands with me in public, cheated and one time let me walk into the street knowing an oncoming cab was speeding towards me.

“I was curious if you’d see it coming or not,” he shrugged after. I think he may have been a sociopath.

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But as soulless as J was, he loved one thing: Athlete X. I won’t say his name, but he’s a pro hockey player and J was beyond obsessed with hockey. I’d grown up playing hockey actually but by the time J and I dated, I’d forgotten all about the sport and didn’t care one bit. That didn’t stop J from gushing about Athlete X and his latest stats and game and even his equipment. Athlete X was like the third party in our relationship–unless of course you count all the girls he cheated on me with. Loser.

Eventually, I found a pair of panties in his bed. Ugly panties, too. And finally, finally, FINALLY broke up with him. Flash forward two months–I was an editor for a men’s magazine when my coworker casually mentioned that he was interviewing Athlete X.

“OMG Athlete X!” I chirped, jumping up from my chair, gushing about how much I loved him and rattling off his stats. No one in the office had ever heard me say boo about sports until that moment, and here I was rattling off info about Athlete X that I didn’t even realize I knew.

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“Well maybe I’ll set you two up!” chucked my coworker–and he did. Later that night I get a text from Athlete X! One thing lead to another and we began talking, then hanging out, then full on dating. At first, I was only doing it to spite J and oh, I made sure that he knew. Cryptic Facebook posts, vague Tweets about Athlete X’s team, an Instagram pic of X’s jersey number doodled on my hand inside a heart–oh yes. J knew. And it worked.

“You f’ing BITCH,” he wrote in a scathing email out of nowhere. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing but STAY AWAY FROM ATHLETE X!” You’d think I was sleeping with his wife or something.

I can’t lie–I felt kind of guilty and icky. I wondered if by dating Athlete X, who was terribly foxy, I had ensured that J and I could never be friends or even bump into each other and have a pleasant catch-up convo.

Then I came to my senses and realized that it was J’s crapbag behavior that had started this whole thing–all I’d done is finished it.

What do you think–is this the meanest thing you’ve heard of a girl doing to an ex? Was I totally wrong to rub Athlete X in J’s face? Or is all fair in love, war and professional sports? Tell me in the comments.

The 10 Worst Things Dudes Have Ever Said On A First Date

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Dude, shut up! | Source: Shutterstock

I’m one of the few people who actually enjoys first dates. Typically people are on their best behavior and trot out all their best stories and funniest anecdotes. But some people use a first date as an opportunity to shock and horrify, namely the dudes I tend to date. Check out the top 10—and believe me I could’ve done more—most awful things my dates have actually had the nerve to say on a first date. And bible, I’m not making these up.

10. “How the f*** do I know what’s in a matzo ball? What am, I your Jewish liaison?”

This charmer was going on and on about how much he loves matzo ball soup, which I’ve never had, so I asked him what exactly a matzo ball entailed. After this little exchange I told him that no, he’s not my Jewish liaison—he’s not going to be my anything.

9. “I try not to date girls your age. All you guys want to do is get married.”

Um, I’m sitting right here.

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8. “You got your nose fixed? Wow I had no idea you were so shallow.”

I got my nose fixed because I broke it. Yeah I’m shallow because I don’t want to spend my life as a mouth-breather. And BTW, he had just finished telling me about how he had his ears pinned back as a kid because people called him Dumbo. Now I guess they just call him Doucher.

7. “….And, that was the first time I had a penis in my mouth!”

Note to self: never ever playfully ask a guy to tell you a secret. You just may get an answer like this.

6. “I mean, don’t you think you’re what’s wrong with society?”

Because I’m an editor at Star magazine, which, OK fine, isn’t exactly going to earn me a Pulitzer, but I like our mag and so do our readers. He, meanwhile, was a member of the NRA.

5. “So can you, like, hook me up with Lauren Conrad?”

Source: WENN

I’m former MTV reality star but—shocker!—I don’t live in one giant compound with all my other network mates. And even if I did, even if LC and Pauly D and Teen Mom Maci’s hot baby daddy and I were sharing groceries and having cookouts together, is it really appropriate to ask to be set up with a different girl on a first date? WTF bro?

4. “No no no no no—here’s why you’re wrong…”

I firmly believe that I’m never ever wrong. And I’m even less wrong when I’m expressing an opinion, as I was on a date with this nightmare. I believe I declared Gladiator to be my favorite movie. And at the end of the date I also declared him to be unlovable. That is not wrong.

3. “Sorry. I’m broke from two DUIs, you’re gonna have to get this one.”

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ON A FIRST DATE. Seriously dude? If you can’t afford to take a girl out to coffee (my latte wasn’t exactly bank-breaking) then guess what: don’t ask a girl out! And certainly don’t be so rude about it. And certainly, certainly don’t get two DUIs, you loser.

2. “You’re left handed? Um, that’s like, kinda like being handicapped. Sorry but I don’t really see this going anywhere.”

Seriously.

1. “Oh c’mon don’t be so provincial! Open your mind!”

My date said this when he PULLED OUT A BOTTLE OF LUBE and set it on the table. ?!?!?!?!?! It was clear my mind wasn’t what he wanted me to open…

Which one of the above do you think is the most offensive? Tell us in the comments. 

One of the worst first date stories we’ve ever heard!

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I have long suspected that “Auld Lang Syne” actually means “Let’s pretend I’m going to be a totally different person next year.” Am I the only one who finds that their New Year’s resolutions are actually just a list of complete phony-baloney lies? Probably not. I dare you to read this and tell me you don’t relate to at least one of these New Year’s fibs!

Your Health

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She said: I resolve to work out at least 5 days a week and take the stairs whenever possible.

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She meant: I resolve to declare walking from my car to class a workout, and move into a one-story building.

Your Friendships

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She said: I will stop gossiping and try to be more straightforward when I’m mad about something.

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She meant: I will stop bitching to Jen about Katie and bitch to Lauren instead.

Putting an End To Your Wild Child Phase

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She said: I’m going to be more ladylike and ask myself: What would Kate Middleton do?

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She meant: I’m going to get different role models. What would…Brandi Glanville do??

Your Finances

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She said: Listen to mom and put away 20% of my paycheck into savings.

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She meant: Listen to my BFF and put 20% towards a boob job.

Your Man Situation

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She said: Wait 10 dates before hooking up with a guy you’re really into!

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She meant: Wait 10 days. Hey it’s only one letter off…

Goals

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She said: Finish that book proposal! Be the only person in your school’s history to publish before you graduate!

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She meant: Finish reading the book on how to write a proposal.
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What’s your New Year’s resolution–and do you think you can actually stick with it? Tell me in the comments!

What’s Your Fave Way To Spend New Year’s Eve?

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If you’re in any way, shape, or form prone to a little fibbing, then your period can quickly turn into a lying bonanza about everything from your mood to your weight and everything in between! And who can blame you for telling a few half-truths when you feel like hell–amirite? Of course I’m right!

Food Cravings

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She said: I’m soooo hungry I totally skipped lunch today.

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She meant: As in, I skipped the line and ordered two meatball subs and now two hours later I could inhale a whole pizza if no one was watching. FML.

Sex Cravings

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She said: What are you doooooing? Come overrrrrrr…

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She meant: If you don’t come lay on top of me in the next 20 minutes, I’m texting you that you kiss like a vacuum cleaner (I’ll decide what that means later) and deleting your number. Tick tock, bro. Oh but don’t touch my boobs because they hurt like hell.

Your Mood

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She said: Oh I have lipstick on my teeth? Cool thanks for the heads up. Uh can you excuse me for a minute?

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She meant: I’ll just be in the bathroom sobbing for the next 20 minutes. I AM A HIDEOUS UNLOVABLE LIPSTICK BEAST.

That Pesky PMS Bloat

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She said: MOMMMMMM WTF is wrong with the dryer they totally shrunk my jeans!

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She meant: I’m so fat that no one will even notice my smeared lipstick. I wonder if my dad has an extra car cover I can fashion into a dress…

The Day You Get It

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She said: Ugggggh Jules do you have an extra tampon? I’m, like, a walking autopsy right now.

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She meant: I’ve been mensturating for the last, what, 7 years? I can’t own ONE pair of underwear without ruining them?? Sigh.

Cramps

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She said: No DAD I can’t help you put on the Christmas lights. I AM IN SEVERE PAIN IN MY LADY AREA!

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She meant: I took a Midol an hour ago. I’m fine. I just really want to watch the new RHOBH.

Do you ever lie on your period? Tell us about it in the comments!

One Way Your Period Actually Helps You

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There’s nothing quite like shedding your clothes and being buck nekkid! Oh did I forget to put an adjective in there? I meant to write there’s nothing as terrifying/anxious/nerve-wracking/jealousy-inducing/hellish like shedding your clothes. And it’s no surprise that in such a stressful moment you might be prone to the eensy-est, weensy-est little fib…

By Yourself

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She said: You are hot! You are healthy! You are a real woman! You do not need to be a twig!

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She meant: You are seriously regretting TiVo’ing the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

In the Locker Room

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She said: Woah, Liz you’ve totally lost weight! Those CrossFit classes are seriously paying off I hate you. Ugh why do I always have to pee after Zumba, BRB!

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She meant: Um yeah right I’m unleashing my pale lumpy body in front of you now. I’ll hide in the handicapped stall and change clothes–like a doofus.

In Front Of Your Mom 

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She said: Mommm leave me alone, so what that my bra has holes! I just hate bra shopping so much but fine, let’s go by Victoria’s Secret this after noon.

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She meant: Hmm…VS is having a sale on those yoga pants I wanted. I suppose I could suffer through some B vs C cup debate if it’ll score me new loungewear…on mom’s Visa!

Around Your Older Sister

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She said: Wait a minute–mom said that cellulite totally runs in the family, so where the eff is yours? OMG you’re adopted!

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She meant: Mom is a liar who was trying to make me feel better. From Santa to cellulite, she had made my life a shadowy series of falsehoods.

The First Time in Front of Your Guy

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She said: Isn’t dim lighting just sooo sexy? And feel free to take out your contacts! No need to see everything in 20/20! And hey aren’t you cold? Let’s get undressed under the covers–even sexier!

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She meant: If science can put a man on the moon why can’t they find a less nakedy way to be naked in front of a guy? Or can’t there be some company that lets you hire Kate Upton as an in-the-dark body double?!

After You’ve Been Together For 2 years

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She said: EW I am so gross from the gym and look, I got my period all over my undies! Will you toss this stuff in the hamper while I shower?

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She meant: The thrill of your penis wore off long, long ago my friend.

What are you thinking when you get naked around someone for the first time? Tell us in the comments!

Ever Taken Naked Pictures?! Oof!

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Taking Advantage of Sales

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She said: But mommmmm I can’t stay home and help you untangle the Christmas lights–did you not see that Bloomingdale’s has, like, 50% off practically everything. Everything that just happens to be on your list…

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She meant: And what a coincidence my list too! I mean, how could I not buy myself a little something? With such good deals it’s like I’m making money!

Avoiding Lectures on How Much You’re Spending

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She said: Mom don’t look in that bag! It’s full of Christmas goodies you’re not supposed to see!

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She meant: I don’t want you seeing how much I spent on that cashmere sweater that I bought…for myself :/

Dropping Hints to Your Boyfriend

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She said: So did you hear that the new It color for 2013 is emerald? Lucky for me I look great in emeralds. Oh what’s this? The Zales catalogue? Huh, how’d that get in your truck…?

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She meant: If I don’t unwrap some sick earrings on Dec 25 then I’m tearing up the Giants tickets I got you. JUST TRY ME, CONNOR.

Impulse Buys

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She said: Ooo Dad, um I’ll catch up with you, go on ahead to Macy’s. I’m gonna run into Justice and get something for Lucy.

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She meant: My little sister has enough crap already. But I spy a Harry Styles lip balm that I kind of need in my life.

Dealing With the Mall

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She said: OMFG. It was a complete fiasco, you guys. I can’t believe that someone would actually throw elbows, ram someone with their cart and cuss like a sailor just to grab the last Monster High doll for their little sister.

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She meant: But I did it anyway.

Going into Debt

 

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She said: Hmm…do I want to open a Target card? Sure, why not. It’s good to build credit, right?

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She meant: Uh I have plenty of credit thanks to my Capital One, Macy’s card and Victoria’s Secret card. What I do not have, apparently, is self control. SIGH.

Checking Your Bank Balance

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She said: I know! Let’s all just make each other presents this year! Why get so caught up in the commercialism of the holidays, ya know?

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She said: I hope you like a macaroni portrait of yourself or a re-gifted candle I got from my cousin Sarah’s wedding because that’s about all I can afford. Damn you cashmere, why are you so irresistible?!

What’s on your mind when you’re Christmas shopping? Do you ever buy gifts for yourself? Tell us in the comments!

The Funniest Holiday Kiss Fail Ever

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Ladies, working to get his attention is a subtle art, one that rarely involves being totally transparently honest. I mean, can you imagine flirting with total honesty? “JAKE LOOK OVER HERE I LOVE YOU!” That’s how I’d sound, at least. Instead, we use sneaky little sayings, imagination tickles, and pretty little lies to get your guy right where you want him! What are some other ways you snag your man’s attention? Leave them in the comments–I’m always looking for new tricks.

When He Calls

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She said: Yeah I’ve got the syllabus somewhere in my bag but hey can I call you right back? I just got out of the shower…I’m all wet.

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She meant: False. I’m  watching Nashville in sweats and Uggs…but why not let you picture something far more interesting, right??

While Working Out

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She said: I’ve been doing yoga all month and I’ve FINALLY mastered the splits!

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She meant: Yesssss I am quite flexible, aren’t I? Oh and you just happen to have a small car with a teeny tiny backseat? What a coincidence!

At the Mall

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She said: Oh ya know just picking up a few…things…at Victoria’s Secret. NBD. What are you up to?

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She meant: I bought a lip gloss but made them give me the extra large bag just so your imagination would run wild!

Accentuating Your Best Features

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She said: Hey what do you think of this lip gloss? I just got it…

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She meant: And now you’re staring at my plumped, glossy lips. Yes I feel kind of stupid puckering in your face but this is SO gonna be worth it when these lips are on his under the mistletoe!

Using Your Outfit Strategically

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She said: Cold? No I’m so hot! In fact, I should probably just take off this sweater…

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She meant: Do you think I spent $50 on this Victoria’s Secret push-up so I can sequester it away under some lame sweater? I think it’s time to let my oh-so-low-cut camisole do the talking!

In Class:

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She said: Hey do you want to study for the quiz together?

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She meant: Okay, so we both know I’m acing this one, but that’s perfect because now I can tune out whatever you’re saying while we study and just stare at your face.

Chatting About Your Weekend

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She said: Not much, just grabbed some dinner at this little hole-in-the-wall churrascaria place near–wait you studied abroad in Brazil? Get out! I’m learning Portuguese right now!

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She meant: I’m so not doing any of those things. But I am spending hours sifting through your Facebook page and then fabricating my weekend plans accordingly.

The Lazy Girl’s Guide To Get His Attention!

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