Ask A Guy: How To Talk To Your Boyfriend About Kinks

Hey Joel,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and we’ve been having sex for six months. Everything so far has been great, but lately, I feel like I’ve been kind of bored in bed since it’s so vanilla. I’d like to spice things up and start getting a little kinkier, but I don’t know how to start talking about it. I sort of feel weird about it since I’m a girl. What’s the best way to talk to your boyfriend about kinks that you might think are kind of embarrassing?


Whether you’re a guy or a gal, you should never feel weird about discussing your intimate wants with your partner. I totally get that some kinks are a bit more risqué and taboo than others, but if you truly trust your partner, take a deep breath, and just say what you want.

However, one key thing to remember is that he may have a completely different view and feeling about your sex life. While you may feel it’s vanilla, he may be perfectly content and having the time of his life. If you use the wrong words, he may end up feeling like he’s falling short of your sexual expectations, and that you’re disappointed with him as a partner.

With that in mind, it’s all about the phrasing. Instead of saying “let’s spice things up” or things like that, make it more about you and say something like “I’d like to try this.” If you’re feeling a bit shy, you can ask what he thinks of whatever your kink might be. You can say that someone you know mentioned they’re into it, and gauge his reaction.

If you bring it up and he gives you a very negative response, it’s not necessarily a lost cause. The conversation may just catch him off guard, and he needs a bit of time to process. If you bring it up again a few days later and he still gives you a bad reaction, it’s time for some serious self-reflection. If he’s not willing to fulfill your needs (and they’re not illegal), you may need to reconsider the entire relationship.

Sex is not the only part of a relationship, nor is it the most important part. At the same time, it can’t be ignored or downplayed, as it is one of the critical elements for a successful, long term partnership. You need to be open about your needs and desires, and part of a healthy relationship is the ability to put the needs of your partner before your own. So tell him (or show him) what you want, and enjoy the results!

Best wishes,


Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Joel, email him at!

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