For the beginning portion of my life, I spent most of my time believing that, for the most part, had no real enemies. I knew I had some frenemies, sure, and I did a pretty good job of maintaining grudges against the people who had committed grievous wrongs against me–like, for example, the people who would steal my unassigned-assigned seat in early morning college lecture courses and Cole Sprouse after he made a Tumblr account that turned out to be nothing but a “social experiment.”
But, looking back on it, these were all small, insignificant quibbles. As I have recently learned, I do have many true enemies, and every single one of them is on Pinterest. Or, to be more exact, every single one of my enemies is a person who has, at one point, participated in an Elf on the Shelf ritual and posted their “hack” or “tip” for doing so on Pinterest.
Elf on the Shelf, if you are unfamiliar, is a sort of holiday tradition that involves placing a little elf doll around the homes in various positions in order to convince children that they are being watched. You know, by Santa. It is, at best, a prime example of late capitalism and, at worst, the physical manifestation of the police state.
Now, I don’t know if I can say in good conscience that the Elf on the Shelf himself is, truly, evil. In any case, Mr. Shelf may very well be an truly evil elf, or a good one who has been strong-armed by the tricks and wiles of late capitalism into doing terrible things. (But, then again, aren’t we all!) In any case, check out these deeply messed up, deeply disturbing Elf on the Shelf pictures that may ruin the holiday spirit for you this year–and, possibly, forever. Whether you think he is truly evil, or simply the smiling, blank-eyed front for something even more nefarious is up to you:
3. The humiliation in his eyes is palpable, is it not?
4. Can’t you see his humiliation?
5. His ever-dwindling will to go on living this hollow shell of a life?
6. He doesn’t want to be doing this any more than you do:
7. It’s no wonder he’s…acting out:
8. Drawing on the eggs:
9. Fighting inside the home:
10. Covering himself in foil, like a tiny Chipotle burrito:
11. Hang gliding on a small pair of briefs:
12. Even, on occasion, taking off his hat:
13. Anyway. Free these elves!