12 Things You Do In Your Relationship That Make You Seem Insecure

Everyone knows that the number one sign of insecurity in a relationship (or just in general) is jealousy. When you see a jealous girlfriend who monitors her boyfriend’s every move and brags about snooping through his phone, you know she has some self-esteem issues going on. When you recoil at a jealous boyfriend who threatens to fight any guy who even looks at his girlfriend, you question his confidence (and maybe his sanity). And then you do anything to not be that jealous, because no one likes to look like the insecure partner.

But what you may not realize is that there’s a lot more you can do than act blatantly jealous to make it obvious that you have zero confidence in yourself. Being insecure in a relationship is not just about feeling envious of the other people who once caught your partner’s eye. Certain behaviors can make it apparent to anyone – like friends and family members – and of course, to your partner. While we all have insecure tendencies (that’s part of being human), being too insecure is never good for your dating life. Want to find out if you need to work on your self-esteem? Here are some things you do in a relationship that make you seem insecure, taken from an Ask Reddit thread on the same topic:

Hurling Insults During An Argument

Fighting is part of being in a relationship. Sometimes they'll suck and really hurt, other times they'll be more tame. But they should never always focus on hurting each other as much as possible. User tif2shuz says, "I feel like if you get into a fight and they try to put you down instead of just staying on topic of what the fight is about, like low blows etc, that's definitely insecurities."

Yes, sometimes an argument will involve you two saying mean things to each other. But every argument shouldn't include your partner insulting you in every way possible, even if it has nothing to do with the fight. If their go-to response is to try and make you feel badly about yourself, no matter what, that is their own insecurities being taken out on you. And if you're the one doing that... stop!

Source: iStock

Relationship Bragging On Social Media

Sometimes it can be torture to go online and see couples posting #wcw and mushy gushy photos and statuses about each other. But just know that, usually, these couples are trying to over-compensate for something. User uncleblazers says, "I know a few couples that constantly post over the top lovey dovey stuff on Facebook. These are the same couples that regularly break up and get in major fights. Now every time I see someone in a couple post tons of mushy garbage, I just assume their relationship sucks and they're just trying to prove it to other people/themselves that their relationship is actually solid."

A picture here and there, an appreciative status once in a while... that's fine. But if you or your partner are going out of your way to show off how great your relationship is, there's probably something bigger going on.

Source: iStock

Always Needing To Know Where They Are

If you constantly feel the need to know where your partner is and exactly what they're doing and who they're doing it with, and feel panicky if you don't... that's a big sign of insecurity (and jealousy). User IntrinsicStar says, "I had an ex who constantly wanted to know where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing. It was bad enough I was living in Italy (for school) and he was in the USA. If I didn’t reply to him within two minutes he’d start accusing me of cheating on him and calling me. (Mind you, I was in class majority of the time he thought this.)"

Needing to be updated on your every movement is a major sign that your partner is too insecure. That kind of behavior can easily lead to even more controlling behavior.

Source: iStock

Assuming Every Fight Means You're Breaking Up

Do you freak out every time you and your partner have a disagreement? Do you always assume it means you're over? User Redhaired103 says, "Seriously panicking over fights even when they rarely fight and never in a disrespectful manner. With the thought the fight would lead to a break up when the relationship is generally going good."

If the smallest disturbance makes you feel like your relationship is ending, it's probably because you're insecure about the relationship - you don't think it's going to last or you're worried you're not good enough. Remember: fights are part of dating, and they don't always mean things are doomed.

Source: iStock

Asking If They Have History With A Friend

Maybe your partner has a female friend who they've never dated, but you're convinced something is up... so you ask and ask and ask. User LiegeWaffles says, "I had an ex who would constantly ask me if I was into this friend or that friend. like these were guys I had been friends with for ten years or more. If we wanted to f*** or date we woulda done it already."

It's normal to feel curious about stuff like this and we all have these little moments of jealousy. But if you can't let it go... there's a problem.

Source: iStock

Refusing To Admit You're Wrong

One general sign of insecurity is the inability to admit when you're wrong. You equate mistakes with failure, and you're too disappointed in yourself to let that happen. User LiisuWrath says, "Not admitting fault or ignorance. When I point out the correct word/route/historical fact/you name it and he gets all defensive. It's okay to misspell words! It's okay to mix up historical dates! Who cares, move on buddy."

If your partner can never manage to admit when they're wrong or genuinely apologize, that's a big issue. It's important to be able to swallow your pride and say you did the wrong thing!

Source: iStock

Asking About Sexual History

If you're obsessed with your partner's sexual life before they met you, it's a pretty big sign of insecurity. User Pantone877 says, "Someone who wants to compare sexual histories and numbers."

It's fine to be curious about how many people your partner was with or who they slept with. I don't think it's crossing the line to ask that once or twice. But if you or they obsess over it? There's a bigger reason why, and it has to do with feeling insecure.

Source: iStock

Bragging About People Who Flirted With You

Does your partner go out of their way to tell you that they've noticed someone else is interested in them? User wanderingheartofmine says, "When he makes a point of telling me that he saw this girl checking him out, or how someone flirted with him."

If your partner loves to brag about how they got attention from someone else, it shows that they love that attention because they feel insecure without it... and they want you to know about it because they want you to be jealous, because that makes them feel good too. This is toxic!

Source: iStock

Always Asking How They Feel About You

If one of your favorite questions is, "But do you really love me?" then that's a big sign of insecurity. User ApricotPickles says, "Constantly asking for reassurance. Once in a while I get, but over every little thing, especially early on, there's a problem."

She's right! If you always need to be reassured that your partner wants to be with you, it shows that you don't feel like you're good enough. This can be really off-putting... not to mention annoying after a while.

Source: iStock

Putting Up Walls When Upset

If your partner can't let you in when they're upset, that's not just a sign of emotional issues - it can also mean they lack confidence. User soup_d_up says, "Someone who continuously puts up walls and hurdles to keep the other person from getting too close."

Insecure people are often hesitant about being vulnerable with others, even the people they are closest to. If your partner can't let you break down those walls, that's definitely not a great sign.

Source: iStock

Trying To Compete With Your Partner

Do you brag to your partner about your accomplishments whenever you can? Do you find that you can't tell your partner anything without them trying to beat you? That's a sign of insecurity. User kimbaproll says, "People who constantly try to one up their partner with accomplishments or goals. A partner of mine did this regularly. I was struggling in my statistics class and when I finally made a good grade on an exam, he literally said to me 'Yeah, well I regularly make 100%s on my physics exams.'"

Insecure people often try to feel better about themselves by competing with others, even if the competition is pointless and silly. Your partner is supposed to support you and be happy for you - they aren't supposed to be the person trying to remind you that you're not as good as them.

Source: iStock

Having A Joint Facebook Account

User veronicam55 says a major sign of insecurity in a relationship is, "A couples Facebook account." And honestly... I agree. A social media page is supposed to be something fun and also kind of personal. If a couple is sharing a page, it's only because they want to keep an eye on what the other person is doing - making sure they're not messaging anyone and checking up on their likes and all of that. It's a little silly, and very overwhelming. It's also a sign that you're not confident enough to let the other person have their own life and space.

Source: iStock

You can follow the author, Jessica Booth, on Twitter or Instagram.


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  • Libraryesque

    Just wanted to say it’s perfectly appropriate to ask someone about their sexual history when you’re just starting your relationship! It’s actually important to be careful about STDs, so if your partner is someone who has taken risks in the past or who has a more open attitude to relationships, you should always know about where your boundaries and limits are when it comes to taking care of yourself. After a while in an exclusive relationship this stops being a problem, but don’t let this need to “not be insecure” mean you end up taking unhealthy risks yourself.