I’ve been dating this guy for exactly three years (our anniversary was yesterday). I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I’m not comfortable having sex with him. I don’t want to have to sneak around at his place or mine. I don’t think it’ll be enjoyable given how anxious I am about sneaking, and I don’t want to lie to my parents about my whereabouts so that we can go to his house for oral or hand stuff. So we discussed it, and he feels like I’ve been leading him on.
Basically, he wants penetrative sex and he wants me and he can’t have both, not anytime soon. It would be different if either of us had a place of our own, but that’s impossible at the moment. I’m adamant about not being ready for sex, and he says he loves me and is willing to try to keep going without it if that’s what I want. But I feel like if it means that much to him, it’s only a matter of time before he dumps me or cheats. Unjustified paranoia on my part, because he’s always been exemplary, but I’ve been hurt in the past.
I’ve suggested phone sex, sexting, etc, all of which we’ve been doing up until now, and he says it’s getting tedious of late and just reminds him that he can’t have me for real. I don’t know what to do. Should I just break up with him and let him find someone who can satisfy his libido and avoid wasting both of our time? How do I make him feel desired without having sex with him?
I want you to know that above and beyond everything else, if you don’t want to have sex with someone, that is all the reason you need. If someone tries to guilt you or blame you for not wanting to have sex, remove that person from your life immediately. Never have sex with someone unless you 100% want to. It is your body and your decision.
The fact that one of your core reasons is not wanting to sneak around is an extremely valid concern. You are clearly someone who values honestly and openness, and you are completely correct that the anxiety involved will likely make the situation less enjoyable. Add to that the threat of getting in trouble with your parents, and it’s again not worth the risk.
If this guy of yours still has issues with you not wanting to have sex, that’s really his problem and I do think you need to reconsider the relationship. Yes, things need to progress and yes, it’s likely you’ve reached that level of intimacy with each other. However, if you’re not ready and you don’t like the circumstances, that’s the end of the discussion.
Along with all of that, there is a lot more to feeling desired and wanted than having sex. Obviously, you’ve put in the time over the years so he knows you want to be with him. You’ve also given him a few alternatives to sex in hopes of a compromise. That alone shows how deeply you care for him, as you are trying to find a way to satisfy his needs, without compromising yourself. If this guy feels like the only way to express that level of care and wanting is through sex, he has a problem.
Relationships are tricky, and there are many points where one person is a bit further down the emotional road than the other. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, as part of being a good partner is understanding where the other person is in their head. The fact that this guy can’t seem to be okay with your not wanting to have sex is very concerning. I’d stick to your principles, and wait until you feel completely ready. If he bails before that point, it’s his loss and it cements the idea that he wasn’t worth it.
Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.
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