Because I am a woman who lives in society, I have spent a significant percentage of my brainpower on my outward appearance, how other people perceive it, and how I might make this outward appearance seem even better to other people. I wear makeup. I enjoy reading skincare blogs. I am in a private Facebook group that is specifically dedicated to “glow ups”—a term that Urban Dictionary defines as “when someone becomes really attractive after they hit puberty AKA ugly duckling syndrome”–and how I, a woman who lives in society, may dedicate even more of my energy towards attaining said glow-up.
I occasionally put charcoal-based masks on my face after washing it as an attempt to rid my nose of a weird, gummy blackhead buildup that accumulates around the edges of my nose, which, almost certainly, could be fixed if I just stopped wearing makeup and trying to “glow up” altogether.
Anyway, what I am trying to say here is that I have absorbed a good deal of beauty-related advice over the years. Some of it has been good (the charcoal mask, for example) and some of which has been…bad.
Today, I am here to discuss the bad kind. As you may already be aware, bad beauty advice is everywhere—online, in magazines, your kindly great-aunt who wears big blocks of bright blue eyeshadow over her eyelids—but there is nowhere it seems to be more prevalent than Pinterest. So, check out the beauty tips you should never listen to here:
1. Using coconut oil for…everything:
Coconut oil is good for a lot of things, like removing makeup and moisturizing super-dry skin! But it is not, however, a miracle worker. Therefore, it will not work to grow your eyelashes or get rid of “that underarm funk.” (Whatever that may be.)
2. Growing your eyelashes with castor oil:
Very few things will make your eyelashes grow and appear longer. Castor oil, unfortunately, is not one of those things. This is anecdotal, but one of my friends tried to use castor oil to make her eyebrows thicker, and she said it made her eyebrow hair fall out. So don’t do it!
3. Putting…other stuff on your lashes to try and make them grow:
If you need extra motivation not to do so, just look at the pictures.
4. Using some sort of…concoction to get rid of pubic hair:
Would it be nice if this worked? Of course. But, uh, it doesn’t.
5. Seriously. Don’t do it:
Just, like, use your brain here. Okay?
6. Eating certain foods to make your vagina “delicious:”
Use! Your! Brain!!!!
7. Eating coconut oil to shorten your period:
Please ask your doctor about this and let me know how long it takes before they either start crying or laughing out loud.
8. Putting a tea tree tampon in your vagina:
Please do NOT do this. Ever.
9. Putting any of these oils in your vagina:
Don’t do this either! Or, in the words of Selina Meyer, “Seriously, don’t.”
10. Using cinnamon to remove blackheads:
This will make your skin burn without removing the blackheads, which will just mean that you now have two problems to deal with.
11. DRINKING cinnamon:
I mean, if this sounds delicious to you, go for it. I won’t stop you. But if you’re drinking it to burn fat (????), put it down. Nothing burns fat! Plus, yo’re fine. You look great. No fat-burning needed.