So I’ve been talking to this guy for a few weeks. It started out as a one night stand from Tinder, but we’ve been texting since then and after he confessed that he likes me and wants to get to know me, I agreed to see him again. I went back to his place and stayed a few nights. We defined our relationship as casually dating and agreed that there is no commitments and no attachments. Then we made plans for next time and other dates.
However, since that second time, he’s stopped texting me as much and has been really distant. I told him that I don’t really text people and that I’d prefer to call those I want to keep contact with, but he continues to blow me off. Is he just done now that I’ve slept with him a couple of times and bored of me? Or am I overreacting and feeling hurt for no reason?
On some levels, Tinder and similar apps are a good thing, as they sort of cut to the chase in terms of what people are looking for. I’m not saying that hookup apps can’t produce a long term relationship, but if we’re being honest, it’s far more aimed at things like one night stands or friends with benefits.
With that in mind, I’m not all that surprised by his moves with you. I’ve no doubt he had a very good time getting down with you, but it seems you have different definitions of casually dating. I have a feeling his definition is exactly the same as “booty call.”
Whenever guys try to hide behind the “I’m more of a text guy,” that’s just a cowardly excuse. I far prefer talking on the phone as well, and even the most text-obsessed person I’ve dated has been able to compromise. It comes down to the idea that if someone wants to talk to you, they’ll find a way.
As much as it may suck to hear, I think your intuition on this guy is correct. It certainly sounds like he was looking for more than a one night stand, but less than a relationship. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. If you’re looking for someone for casual fun times, and he fits the bill, you might have a match. But it’s pretty clear he’s not looking for anything beyond that.
Your question of whether you are right to feel hurt is a bit tricky, as at its core, you should never feel wrong in your feelings – especially being hurt. However, I think you need to consider the source (Tinder), and understand that the vast majority of people using that platform are looking for a quick hookup and nothing more. It’s definitely possible to meet people on dating apps who want to have a more serious relationship, but you’re also going to come across a lot of people who want to keep it very, very casual. So, to deal with this, try and let people know what you’d like out of them–and out of a relationship–from the start. Setting your emotional expectations, even on a second Tinder date, will help you avoid this frustration in the future.
Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.
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