Sex may look like it’s glamorous and… well, sexy, but in reality there are a lot of ways it can go wrong. From getting kicked in the face by a stray foot to laughing uncontrollably when he takes his pants off for the first time (do not ever do this unless you’re trying to get him to leave), sex isn’t always the easiest way to express your love for someone. And you know what’s making it even harder? Crazy sex positions that we all feel like we have to try to “spice things up,” even when we know they seem unrealistic and weird.
The literal thousands upon thousands of sex positions out there. Half of them aren’t even physically possible, and the other half that are possible are more effort than they’re worth. Why fix what ain’t broke? Doggy, missionary and cowgirl are classics for a reason. If you’re looking to spice up the bedroom, why don’t you break in a few couples’ sex toys instead of breaking your arm attempting something that might take so long to figure out that you’re both not even turned on anymore by the time you get it? Here are a few of the worst sex positions out there that no one should ever attempt. You’ve been warned!
TongsWhat THEY Say: Feeling adventurous? Start by supporting yourself with your left arm while your man holds you up from the waist. He then steps over your left leg and holds your right leg up while you maintain a modified push-up position ad infinitum. Fun fun fun! What They SHOULD Say: If you are an Olympic bodybuilder with the upper body strength of twelve Arnold Schwarzeneggers, then by all means do the Pair of Tongs! Everyone else, not so much – imagine having to balance on one arm while your man rams you from the back. Chances of being propelled face-first into the ground hover right around 98%, so if a bloody nose is your idea of a good time then have at it. Source
The OverpassWhat THEY Say: Since the woman sets the pace in this position that means she’s in full control! Nothing is sexier than telling your man what to do, especially in the bedroom – try grabbing his butt while in this position for an even hotter stance! What They SHOULD Say: Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be crushed in a trash compactor? No? Then don’t do The Overpass. Do you like it when your man sits on you and won’t get up no matter how much you yell at him? No? Then don’t do The Overpass. Do you like fidgeting around for 15+ minutes going back-and-forth between staring at the diagram and trying to balance on your neck and shoulders while he gets on top? No? Then don’t do The Overpass. Source
ScissorWhat THEY Say: Boring sex life? Spice it up by laying on your back as your man faces you while lying on his side. Throw back one leg, let him slip in between – not complicated, but very interesting! What They SHOULD Say: Yeah any ol’ fool can figure this one out, but what they don’t tell you is that nine times outta ten the guy isn’t able to pull back far enough for a half-decent thrust and the two of you just wind up wiggling around trying to mush your genitals together. It’s not very sexy, neither of you are going to get a lot out of it but you’re both still going to try because it doesn’t involve anyone standing on their head or doing jumping jacks for an hour. Source
The XWhat THEY Say: While in the missionary position, have your man move his chest and legs off your body and rotate so that while his hips are in the same spot, your bodies combined make an X. You’ll be able to feel every single move his body makes! What They SHOULD Say: Are you a wizard who defies the laws of physics? No seriously, are you? Because the rest of us muggles have no idea how this could possibly work unless your vagina is located in your thigh or if his dick comes out of his body sideways. Source
The WheelbarrowWhat THEY Say: With your head upside down you’ll feel a nice lightheadedness along with the intense sensations of him entering you from behind coupled with gravity forcing him in even deeper. He even gets a nice view of your butt at the same time! What They SHOULD Say: Go do a hand stand for as long as you can and let me know how that goes. Now do it again while someone is humping you from the back. Does that sound like fun? It’s not. Chances are better than even he’s going to end up pile driving you into a wall, or at the very least your arms will eventually give without warning and he’ll ram you into the carpet so hard you’ll have a rug burn all over the front of your body for weeks. Source
Anal SexWhat THEY Say: Bored of the same routine? Go for a walk on the brown side and try taking the dirt road home for once. What They SHOULD Say: If you do it wrong you can injure yourself by tearing a hole in your anus. Granted, you can injure yourself in many ways during sex, but who wants to go to the hospital and tell the nurse there’s an extra hole in your butt? Plus there’s the ever-looming risk of him taking his dick out and there being poop on it, and to be quite honest I think I’d choose death over the conversation that would naturally follow. Source
Standing SexWhat THEY Say: Have your man lift you up by the thighs while you hold onto his neck and shoulders. This is for ADVANCED couples only, as it requires a whole lot of strength! What They SHOULD Say: You will never feel fatter than when your guy attempts to do this for about .0003 seconds and then has to put you down. You’re fine with moving onto the next position, but he’s insistent – nay, determined to get it right. The two of you spend the next five minutes trying to figure out the best way to keep you suspended in the air, ending in you getting pissed at how stubborn he is and being haunted for months by his unintentionally insulting throwaway comment “Sorry, I’m not used to lifting weights this heavy.” Source
Which one of these sex positions is your least favorite? Which do you actually like? Tell us in the comments!