Sex: it’s what everybody is doing… except for you. Until now! Okay, fine, that is not exactly an accurate statement, because you are certainly not the only virgin in the world (even if it feels that way). But if you’re reading this, chances are better than good that you’re planning on having sex for the first time sometime soon, which also means you’re probably a bundle of nerves: what if something goes wrong? What if I fart? What am I supposed to do? What is HE supposed to do? Where does what go and OH MY GOD WHY AM I SWEATING SO MUCH?!
For starters, put that wine away – we only drink bottom-shelf Sauvignon Blanc in this house, which means that $14.99 bottle of Malbec that Aunt Robin is chugging has no place in your kitchen.
But in all seriousness, sex isn’t that complicated. It may take two to tango, but most people know how to have sex and yet have no idea how to tango. If the cavemen could do it successfully, then so you can you – and with a few helpful tips, we’re sure your first time will be as smooth as margarine on toast. Here are a few ways to get ready to lose your virginity so that your first time having sex is actually good – not terrible or awkward the way everyone says it will be. (But hey, even if it is, you have time to make up for it!)
Stop Overthinking ItThere are some really, really stupid people out there. You are not one of them. You are an intelligent, shining beacon of hope in a world where “inventing” a pet rock will make you a millionaire and where you can become the president of the United States without any political background on your resume whatsoever. That being said, think of the dumbest person you know – that person will inevitably have sex one day. Now think of the second dumbest person you know – yup, you guessed it! That person is also going to have sex. If the lowest common denominators in life are eventually going to figure out how to have sex, what does that say about you, who we’ve already determined is an intelligent, shining beacon of hope? This isn’t rocket science, so don’t overthink and make it harder than it needs to be. Source: iStock
Practice ConfidenceI can’t tell you how many times I tried to keep my shirt on during sex when I was younger because I thought I looked fat when bending over. You know why supermodels look like they have zero body fat on their stomachs? Because they’re standing up straight. If there’s ever a catwalk where they’re required to get down on the ground and somersault down the runway I’m willing to bet everything in my checking account that they’ll have some belly rolls too (there’s not a whole lot in my account, so don’t bother taking me up on this.). Don’t worry so much about what you look like, and don’t try crash-dieting to lose a quick pound or two before the “Big Day” – struttin’ your stuff with all the confidence you can muster up is the sexiest thing in the world, not some stupid thigh gap or flat stomach. Source: iStock
Talk To Experienced FriendsOne of the best ways to get real, honest answers and advice is to talk to friends who have already had sex and who feel comfortable talking about it. If you feel comfortable talking to them, ask what their first time was really like, if they have any tips, what they wish they would have done differently... stuff like that. You can read advice online all day, but sometimes hearing it from someone you're close with is just different. If you find someone really open, you'll get lots of details. Just remember: every experience is different, so while the advice is helpful, it doesn't necessarily mean your experience will be the same. Source: iStock
Buy ProtectionIf neither of you have had a conversation on who’s going to buy condoms, then sorry – you aren’t mature enough to be having sex. Part of having sex is also protecting yourself from STDs and pregnancy, which means that if you’re both too shy to even say the word “spermicidal lubricant,” how do you expect to be naked in front of each other? And if you have had that conversation, go ahead and buy some condoms yourself, even if he said he’d do it for you. Nothing is less-hot than getting into the moment and realizing that he forgot to pack protection – and don’t let that be a trick: “Durr I forgot” is NOT a reason to have unprotected sex. You wanna get pregnant? Have unprotected sex. You wanna not spend the next 18 years of your life taking care of some snot-nosed kid? Wear a condom. It’s that simple. Source: iStock
Practice Using CondomsI’ll be honest with you: for my first time, neither of us knew how to put on a condom and it really killed the mood. Granted, we were on his parents’ living room couch watching Dude, Where’s My Car? so it’s not like there was much of a mood in the first place, but the title of this article is "Ways To Get Ready For Sex So That Your First Time Is A+," not "Ways To Have Awkward Moments That End In You Microwaving Popcorn Pants-less." Once you’ve gathered the courage to buy a box of condoms (trust me, the cashier working check-out does not care as much as you think they do), go ahead and rip a few bad boys open and practice putting them on using a banana. If you hate potassium and the color yellow, try a cucumber. There’s a zillion tutorials on YouTube you can watch if you’re struggling, but again -- intelligent, shining beacon of hope in this world, which means putting on a rubber should be an easy task for you after a few tries. Source: iStock
Keep Your Expectations LowYou know how in the movies, sex is this romantic thing where smooth jazz starts playing out of nowhere and everybody is wiggling around sensually? That’s not accurate. If you go into sex expecting that you are going to be SEVERELY disappointed. When I popped my cherry my boyfriend at the time got sweat all over me. It was gross. Now, that’s not to say that your first time won’t be magical – it very well could be! But more likely than not your first time is going to be awkward and you’ll be surprised by the amount of clean-up that happens afterwards (keep a towel nearby, trust me.) Keep in mind that the second time is even better, the third time is better than that and by the time you hit #20 you’ll be a pro. Just make sure you’re not expecting to reach Nirvana when what you’re more likely to hit is maybe a sale at the bargain racks at Macy’s. Source: iStock
Have A PlanThere’s something to be said for spontaneity: it can be sexy, adventurous, impulsive – but that’s not something you want for your first time. If you want it to be special, plan a night out with your man that ends in popping your cherry. If you want to regret it 10 years down the road, let it fly at a house party where you drink a few too many glasses of peach schnapps and can’t remember what the guy’s name was in the morning. You want to make sure that you won’t be interrupted by anyone (i.e. parents if you, like me, was subjected to doin’ it in your basement with the lights off while “watching” a movie) and that the situation is completely within your control. Also, quick tip: don’t do it outside for your first time. The ground is a lot harder than you expect, the air is a lot colder and it’s not fun when Neighbor Joe finds you humping in the bushes while he’s out walking his dog. Source: iStock
What was your first time having sex like? How are you going to prepare? Tell us in the comments.