Ask A Guy: How To Tell Guys When Sex Is Painful For You

Hey Joel,

Sex pretty much always hurts for me. I’ve figured out that I just need a lot of lube and foreplay to get ready, but for some reason it’s hard for me to tell guys that, because I feel like that adds an extra layer of complication to hooking up that other girls don’t have. Recently, I’ve been hanging out with this guy and I really want to have sex with him, but I’m scared that if I tell him what I need, he’ll get freaked out. Is there any way to approach this without making it weird? Or should I just power through it?


You should never, ever sacrifice your own comfort, and possibly physical health just because you think it might make the situation awkward or complicate the moment. This is a non-negotiable sort of thing, as “powering through it” in many ways defeats the purpose of sex in the first place.

Yes, many people enjoy some pain with their sex, but this is a completely different sort of hurt. If a guy has a problem with you needing extra lube, or him having to take extra time with foreplay, that’s the first sign of needing to kick him to the curb. Sex should be an equal act of enjoyment and exchange, so if he can’t fulfill his half of the deal, find someone who will! There’s nothing wrong with taking more time to get you to a good place – so don’t let him rush things!

More importantly, there is absolutely no reason for you to feel weird or embarrassed because you’ve found a way for you to get more pleasure when having sex – along with having less physical discomfort. The fact that you found the solution is a great thing, so embrace your findings and don’t let this irrational fear of awkward moments make sex less enjoyable.

Simply put: if a guy takes it personally that he didn’t get you lubed up enough, that’s HIS problem! Maybe he needs to spend more time in foreplay or maybe he just needs to do something different. Don’t be afraid to move his body where you want it, as it’s all about both of you having the best time possible. Hopefully, once he knows how to get you to a good place, it will be nothing but fun!

On a side note, you may want to talk to your gynecologist or regular doctor about this issue. There could be something hormonal or physical going on that they can help with. Failing that, just find your favorite lube, and keep it handy!

Best wishes,


Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

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