I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost four years. In the beginning of our relationship, we would always have sex and he’d give me oral sex and finger me… but now he doesn’t do any of that. It bothers me because I’ve tried giving him hints that I want him to give me oral sex, and he says he will, but then he never does it when it comes down to business. He says he’s not in the mood, but yet he expects me to give him oral and a hand job. I don’t know why this happens, but I find it really unfair, because he gets the pleasure and I don’t. What do I do?
When it comes to sex stuff, it’s really important to be aware of what your partner is comfortable with, and to never push them to do the things they don’t want to do. That said, it’s also really important for YOU to be happy with the way things are going. And right now, it doesn’t seem like you are. It also seems like you’re following through on trying to make your partner happy, but they aren’t doing the same – and that’s not okay.
Here’s the thing: it’s totally fine if your boyfriend isn’t comfortable giving you oral sex. If that’s something he doesn’t want to do, you shouldn’t try to force him or talk him into it. Of course, it’s also understandable if that bothers you. After all, being sexually compatible is really important in a relationship! But if he feels that way, he has to communicate that to you. He shouldn’t be acting like he’s going to do it to get you to give him oral sex, and then bailing. That’s a little manipulative, which is the last thing that should be happening when hooking up.
It sounds like you guys need to have a real conversation about this. Ask him if he honestly plans on giving you oral sex again. If he doesn’t seem like it’s something he wants to do, then you need to figure out what you want. If you don’t feel okay with giving him oral sex and not getting it back in return, then let him know you don’t feel comfortable with that arrangement. Don’t say it as a threat (i.e. “if you won’t give me oral, then I won’t give you oral!”), just say something like, “I don’t feel comfortable going down on you if you aren’t doing it to me. Maybe we’ll be better off just sticking to sex and making out.”
During a hookup, it’s so important for both people to feel happy and secure, and it doesn’t seem like you feel that way. So, do what you have to do to get to a point where you’re both happy and satisfied. Some couples are not sexually compatible, and it can be a big strain on their relationship. For others, finding out what works takes some time. But if things don’t feel fair to you, and you want something different, you have to speak up and have a conversation about it. And if you guys aren’t able to talk about that kind of thing, then it might be a sign that things aren’t going to work out in the end.
What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at firstname.lastname@example.org