When it comes to having sex for the first time, there’s pretty much just one thing that people tend to agree about it–that it hurts, like, a lot, for every single girl the first time they do it. You’ll know this if you’ve watched a TV show or movie in which a girl has sex and then, like, dies, or if you heard from your friend’s sister’s friend that the first time she had sex she practically passed out, and you’ll definitely know this if you read the horrifying section in The Bell Jar when Esther loses her virginity and, as a direct result, bleeds so much that she has to be sent to the hospital.
So, is it true? Well, aside from the hemorrhaging, there is some truth to the pain thing—having sex for the first time does hurt, at least a little bit, for most girls. But, like most things that are presented to you as a full-fledged, unequivocal truth, it’s one of those things that, once you look into it a little bit more, you realize that there’s a lot more nuance to it.
Now, here’s the deal—I can’t tell you how much, exactly, it’s going to hurt for you the first time you have sex. Everyone’s body is different, and everyone has a different type of hymen, so some people don’t feel any pain, some people feel a slight twinge, and some people feel a lot of pain. Same goes with blood—most people bleed a small amount, some people won’t bleed at all, and, while it’s not super common, some people do bleed a lot. Before you have sex, it’s hard to where you’ll fall. But what I can tell you is how to make the entire experience significantly, ahem, smoother (both literally and figuratively!) so whatever pain you do have is minimized as much as possible. Basically? Losing your V-card doesn’t have to be a traumatic, painful experience! So, check out these easy ways to make your first time having sex much more comfortable:
Try To Be As Relaxed As PossibleObviously, this is easier said than done. You’re doing something you’ve never done before, which is nerve-wracking enough, and, on top of that, you’re doing something that has a lot of hype associated with it. It’s okay (expected, even) to be nervous! But, if possible, try and relax a little bit. If you’re super tense and clenched up, sex probably isn’t going to be very comfortable. So, just go into it mindfully. Do you trust the person you’re having sex with? Are you ready to do the deed? Are you doing it for you, or for someone else? You don’t need to overthink it, but if you feel good about it in your gut, you’ll be about as relaxed as you can be. Image source: iStock
Don’t Forgo ForeplayForeplay is very important! It's necessary to take some time to let your vagina get wet, which we'll talk about more in a second. But, in addition to lubrication, it's also necessary to take your time with foreplay in order to let your vagina expand. Basically, the average vagina is only three or four inches deep during most parts of the day. But it can expand up to 200 percent during sexual arousal, which means that you need to be sufficiently aroused to make sex enjoyable for you--otherwise, it's almost certainly going to hurt, because nothing is going to be able to fit in there. So, if you feel like your partner is rushing you, let them know that sex isn't going to happen if you're not feeling it. Image source: iStock
Give Yourself Time To Get In The MoodDuring foreplay, you need to make sure that you're actually getting turned on, not just going through the motions. During sexual arousal, blood flows to the genitals, causes the cervix and uterus to extend, and lubrication to occur. All of this helps ease the potential pain of penetration to become minimized, but if it doesn't happen, sex is probably going to hurt. Basically? You need to feel good about the sex you're about to have. Have your partner go down on you, finger you, play with your boobs, whatever (all with their consent, of course) in order to help you feel as aroused as you can before sex. Image source: iStock
Don’t Be Afraid To Use LubeEven if you feel like you're sufficiently self-lubricated, it can't hurt to use a little lube, just to be safe. Most condoms are lubricated, but, since they're typically only lubricated at the tip, they can lead to inconsistent feelings of friction in the vagina. This won't feel very good! Instead, get a water-based lube (other formulas can cause latex on condoms to deteriorate) and spread a nickel-sized amount on the tip of the condom and down the shaft before penetration. You don't have to use lube, obviously, if you know that your mom is going to find it in your room later and ask you questions you aren't in an emotional place to deal with, but, if you want to ensure comfort, using lube is a good way to do so. Image source: iStock
Get Creative With Your PositionsMost people think that the only position to do when you're losing your virginity is missionary. This is false! There is nothing exactly wrong with missionary, obviously, but it might not be the most comfortable for you. Instead, try doing a slight variation on missionary by placing a pillow underneath your waist (which makes leverage easier), or, if you really want to switch it up, placing a bunch of pillows on top of one another and leaning your upper body on it. Try out different things until you find the one that works for you! Image source: iStock
Remember To BreatheThis might seem dumb. But people tend to hold their breath at times in which they feel exertion, like exercising or experiencing stress, and, since sex might involve both of those things for you, yu might find that you accidentally hold your breath. Don't do this! This will raise your blood pressure, which, in turn, will make you feel more stressed and anxious about the whole thing. So, if you start to feel panicky the first time you have sex, just breathe in and out. This will help regulate your blood pressure and make you feel more calm. Image source: iStock
Don’t Try And “Loosen Up” With AlcoholLook, I don't know your life, so I don't know what you are planning to do to lessen any anxiety you might be feeling before the first time you have sex. But, on the off chance that you are planning on getting super drunk before you have sex to lower your inhibitions, you should, uh, not do that. Alcohol dehydrates you, so it makes it more difficult to self-lubricate during sex, which, in turn, will make it more painful. Drinking has also been proven to lower sensitivity on the clitoris, which lessens your chances of having an orgasm. (Though, full disclosure, an orgasm probably isn't going to happen during your first time anyway. But why make it more difficult for yourself from the start?) Image source: iStock
Make Sure You’re Actually ReadyI mean, duh. But, really, this--being comfortable with yourself and the person you're having sex with--is the most important thing. There's no need to rush into having sex if you feel like you're just doing it to keep up with your friends or make your boyfriend happy. It's not that having sex is going to drastically change your life in one way or another, or that losing your virginity to the "wrong" person is the same thing as throwing away your "precious gift," but, really, sex (both for your first time and any time after) should be something you're doing because you feel ready for it. Basically, if you feel comfortable, it will be comfortable. Image source: iStock
What do you think of these tips? Do you have any other tips to share? Let us know in the comments!