My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now, and things have been getting heated. We were Face Timing one night and he asked me to show him my vagina. I told him I would do it if he he would show me something first. After he showed me, he was waiting for my turn, but I chickened out. Then I thought to myself that maybe he deserves someone who can give him what he wants, because clearly I felt uncomfortable and insecure. Then I felt bad because he also told me that he felt uncomfortable but he did it anyway because he thought were were in this together. How can I make myself feel more comfortable and sexy when it comes to sex stuff?
It’s totally normal to feel uncomfortable and self-conscious when you first start hooking up with someone. Even the most confident people can feel nervous when they have to get naked someone for the first time! Sometimes, it doesn’t even matter if you’ve been dating the person for a long time – allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to take off your clothes or say and do sexy stuff can be stressful. What you’re feeling isn’t weird or something to be ashamed of, it’s just something you have to learn how to deal with.
First, let me say this: you should not feel like you have to force yourself to do sex stuff with someone if you feel super uncomfortable about it. If you are shy and self-conscious, a certain amount of discomfort will be there until you can open up, but if you’re mind is screaming, “NO!!!!” then listen to it. Just because your boyfriend is ready doesn’t mean you are, and that’s okay – but it is something you should discuss with him. Just please don’t pressure yourself to do something because you think it’s what you should be doing, because that won’t make you feel better at all. Feeling this nervous could be a sign that you aren’t ready for this step, and that you need more time, so don’t rush yourself if that makes sense to you.
If you feel like you are ready, but you just want to feel more confident, then there are some things you can do. One, be open and honest with your boyfriend so that he can work with you at the right pace. Let him know you want to take things really slowly because you’re a little nervous, and you would appreciate him not trying to rush you. Two, keep things at a slower pace. Before you start Face Timing with your vag, kiss more in person. Touch each other, then maybe show each other stuff in person. Having him by your side might make it easier.
Three: do what feels right. This is vague, but it will make sense to you. Respect your personal boundaries and let things flow without thinking about them too much – if something feels wrong to you, don’t pursue it. Honestly, there’s no perfect answer to the question of how to feel more comfortable. It just takes time and getting used to someone enough to open up to them and be more vulnerable about this kind of thing. The amount of time it takes is different for everyone! You just need to allow yourself to feel more comfortable with your boyfriend. That could also mean doing more outside of the bedroom, like talking about certain things, sharing secrets, and becoming more emotionally intimate.
One day, you’ll get to a place where you feel totally comfortable having sex or showing off your bits or fooling around. It might take some time, but during that time, practice helps, and so does positive thinking! So does a supportive boyfriend – so if yours is making you feel guilty, it’s time to find someone new. Just don’t keep this to yourself, and don’t beat yourself up for it either!
What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at firstname.lastname@example.org