Last summer, I started talking to this guy that I had recently developed feelings for. We talked nonstop for about three weeks, and then he started to get distant. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of three years, so I wanted to give him time and didn’t push my feelings on him. We still talked and even hung out. I thought for sure he was going to ask me out, but then in September, he went “Facebook official” with another girl. We’ve talked on and off since then. I’d been keeping my distance, but then these past couple days, he texted me fairly regularly. I’m so confused. I really like him, but he still has a girlfriend. I don’t know if he feels the same way, and I certainly don’t want to be the “other woman” or a reason they break up. What am I doing wrong?
You need to get the idea that you’re doing something wrong out of your head. It actually sounds like you played things exactly right, and this guy just isn’t as into you as you are him. He has chosen to pursue other girls, and it sounds like he just sees you as a backup or a safety net–and, obviously, you deserve better than that.
If you think you could be doing something else to get him to date you, that’s the completely wrong way to look at who you are as a person. It certainly sounds like there is something he sees in other girls that he doesn’t see in you, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. We all have preferences and tastes in partners, so you may just be crushing on some guy who is looking for something different.
At the same time, you are completely correct in keeping your distance. Nobody wants to be the reason a friend ended a relationship, and if you end up as the rebound or something along those lines, chances are you’ll never feel 100% secure with your guy.
If he gets flirty with you while he’s still dating someone else, I’d back way off and set some clear boundaries. You don’t want to just be his outlet when he’s feeling lonely. That’s basically a step away from being a booty call, and not at all a position you want to be in.
I think you need to decide if you want this guy as a friend or nothing at all. From the way he’s acted thus far, it sounds like those are the only two realistic options. If you keep trying to figure out a way to date him, not only will it continue to frustrate you, but there are going to be other great guys you’ll fail to notice. You deserve a guy who wants to be with you for exactly who you are, so don’t settle for anything less
Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.
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