Tell me the truth–have you ever found yourself thinking about wizards, their bowel movements, and what said wizards might do in order to rid themselves of the result of these bowel movements (i.e. “poop”)? If you are anything like me, your answer to this query will be something along the lines of “???????????? No???? Why??? Stop!!!!!”
But now you are thinking about it, and, as such, we must discuss it. So, let’s just cut to the case–if you were wondering, before they appropriating plumbing technology from Muggles, wizards used to poop their pants.
Harry Potter and the wizards who vanished their poop instead of using a toilet until [spins wheel] 1819
— Zone Of Squat (@HowFoolsMeBe) February 10, 2017
But, uh, let’s back up for a second. As you probably already know, yesterday was the 20th anniversary of the release of the first Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. (or “Philosopher’s Stone” if you are not an American who, according to Harry Potter’s U.S. publishers, would be so mystified by the presence of “philosophy” on the cover of a children’s book that the name was changed to something more “exciting.” ) This is a great time to be in if you are the kind of person who enjoys nostalgia and Sorting Hat quizzes and competing with your friends on social media about who the biggest Harry Potter fan among you actually is. It is also a great time if you are the type to look through the, ahem, annals of Pottermore in order to find some Harry Potter tidbits you may have missed before.
Well, today we have a very good tidbit! It is this sentence from a section about Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, written by J.K. Rowling and unearthed by Buzzfeed earlier this year, which discusses the plumbing system at Hogwarts:
Hogwarts’ plumbing became more elaborate in the eighteenth century (this was a rare instance of wizards copying Muggles, because hitherto they simply relieved themselves wherever they stood, and vanished the evidence)
— Anchor (@anchor) June 26, 2017
So. To be clear, wizards were literally pooping themselves for hundreds of years because they just…couldn’t find a better way of going about relieving themselves. This makes no sense to me, and I would like to vanish myself off the earth after reading it, because I find that I can’t stop thinking about the logistics of this excrement-vanishing culture. Did wizards literally poop standing up all the time, right into their pants (which, as any Squatty Potty user will tell you, is not very good for your colon)? What if you weren’t good at magic, and, in trying to rid yourself of your crap, accidentally splinched it? What did the Squibs, who did not have access to magic or toilets do when they had to poop? Where does this vanished poop go? Why is this happening to me?
— Jimmy V (@jvvassello) April 29, 2017
Anyway. I hope this news sits well with you today, and that one day, you grow to overcome it. If not, well, here’s a Sorting Hat quiz.
What do you think of this news? Are you, to use the common parlance, “shook” by it? Let us know in the comments!