Ask A Guy: Is Your Boyfriend Cheating If He Won’t Have Sex With You?

Hey Joel,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over three years. Over the past seven months, we’ve only had sex one time. All he says about it that’s not in the mood. He tells me he loves me and cuddles with me, and I know he isn’t cheating because he’s pretty much always home. I’m confused and I don’t know what to think anymore. Should I be concerned? And what should I do about it?


There’s no way around the fact that something is up with your boyfriend, and from the details you’ve given, I am guessing it’s something very sensitive. One of the main issues you’re dealing with is the fact that most guys are bad at expressing their feelings, and depending on how deep the problem is, embarrassment might be magnifying that reality.

My first thought is that he might be having some body image issues. It is very rarely discussed, but guys can absolutely have the same problems girls do when it comes to how they feel about their bodies. He may feel like he’s a bit too over or underweight, and is embarrassed to be seen naked or even without a shirt on. Complicating this is the fact that along with society in general rarely talking about male body image issues, it’s even less common for guys to talk about this with their friends or parents. You can feel totally alone if this is the case, and it’s tough to find a way out or explain it to someone else.

It’s also possible that he’s asexual, which could mean that he does love you, but he’s not interested in having sex. If so, this doesn’t mean that it’s the end of your relationship, but you do need to think about what you want your sex life to look like and if you’re okay with not having sex as the main fixture of your relationship

But, there is another possibility that is worse in every possible way: he could have an STD or other medical problem. This is just a guess, but the fact that he’s still very physical with you, but stops things supports this theory.

You need to ask him, in a non-accusatory way, if it isn’t about mood, then what IS it about? You’ve been together long enough, and the sex-drought has gone on long enough that you absolutely have a right to know the truth.

I would NOT start by asking if it’s something physical or an STD, but I would reiterate to him that you love him and accept him unconditionally. Create a space where he can open up about any emotional issues he might be having, as it’s your best shot at getting to the bottom of things.

Best wishes,


Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Joel, email him at!

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