I’ve always been nosey and I love snooping through my boyfriend’s phone. He’s caught me snooping before and it really bothers him. But today, I found his old phone and was just doing my usual snoop. I found nothing of much interest in his texts, so I just searched his phone by key word. I eventually stumbled upon emails from before we even met. They were from a Craigslist ad for man seeking man. I don’t know if it was just curiosity, but the emails were extremely graphic and there were even nudes exchanged. I wouldn’t care if he was bisexual or anything, it’s just the fact that he’s never mentioned it and the fact that he would look to Craigslist for sex that sickens me. I honestly have no idea what to do. Should I bring it up? Would I look crazy for finding something that happened so long ago?
I want to be real with you here: what you did was wrong. Snooping through your partner’s things is almost never okay, especially if they know you do it and you’re fully aware that they don’t like it. For you to not only look at his phone, but to actively search through it in a more extensive way isn’t really a great look. It’s a pretty clear sign that trust is lacking in your relationship – and trust is essential for a couple to make things work.
I get why you’re upset that your boyfriend didn’t tell you he’s bisexual (if he’s bisexual. You don’t know that!). But… this is his private business. It happened before you knew him. It was something he kept private for a reason, and you found it because you were snooping through his things even when he had asked you not to. Your boyfriend isn’t in the wrong here – you are.
Your BF isn’t obligated to tell you every single thing about his past just because you guys are dating, especially if it’s something that wouldn’t affect your relationship in a huge way. He doesn’t have to tell you that he may or may not have been seeing a guy, or was interested in seeing a guy. Who knows what was going on then – maybe he was just experimenting, and never wanted to share it with anyone. Maybe he is bisexual, but he’s not ready to come out yet. Maybe he’s just confused and doesn’t know what to think and isn’t ready to discuss it with anyone. You don’t know what the deal was, and you don’t have to – it’s something he would share when he feels ready. You violated his trust and privacy by finding this out. That’s not cool, dude.
Personally, I don’t think you should bring this up to your boyfriend. It’s clearly something he didn’t want to tell you and doesn’t have to tell you. You should try to respect that at this point. You also need to remember that your BF had a life before he met you, and you can’t be mad at him for that.
Does it sound crazy that you found something that old? I mean, honestly, a little bit. If you tell him you did this, your relationship might just be over… but then again, maybe you need to rethink things. If trust is lacking badly enough for you to look at his phone, find nothing incriminating, but then go out of your way to search every possible inch of it for anything, that says that you don’t trust him and/or you’re not ready for this relationship. Think about it.
What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at firstname.lastname@example.org