What To Do If Losing Your Virginity Was So Painful You’re Scared To Try Sex Again

Hi Heather,

My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time a few weeks ago. The pain was horrible and I can’t imagine his penis trying to go inside of me every again. It was extremely painful and we only did it for a few moments because I couldn’t take it. He understood at first but wants to try again and I can’t get over our first time. I’m scared to try having sex again. What can I do?

new girl

I’m sorry your first time having sex was so uncomfortable for you! It’s totally understandable that you’re nervous about trying it again, and I get why you keep thinking about that first really painful attempt. You do not have to try having sex again if you feel like you aren’t ready, but you should also know that, sometimes, the longer you wait and the more you focus on the pain, the worse it will be the next time around.

First, though, you need to decide whether you’re ready to try having sex again. If the first time was that painful, it was probably due to a mix of nerves and stress (among other things, which we’ll get to in a minute). It could be a sign from your emotional state that you aren’t quite ready yet. Really think: do you want to have sex that isn’t painful? Do you want to try again soon, or do you feel like you need more time before you’re there? It is totally fine to take all the time you need – you have to feel good about this decision! Don’t just agree to try again because you boyfriend wants to, okay? Only do it if you want to also.

If you’ve thought about it and you realize you need more time, definitely tell your boyfriend that. Say something like, “I thought I was ready, but I’m not, and I need more time. I don’t know how much and it has nothing to do with you. It’s about me.” You need to be honest with him, otherwise he’ll keep asking. If he cares about you, he’ll respect your decision.

But, if you’ve thought about it and you genuinely want to try again, then you should. Like I said, sometimes the longer you wait, the worse it can get – just because you keep thinking about it and building it up in your mind, focusing on the last time, which can lead to a lot more stress and expectations. That kind of overwhelming feeling can make the pain worse. Your down there area is connected to your emotional state. If you’re stressed or freaked out, the muscles down there will tense up, making it incredibly difficult, and sometimes nearly impossible, to be penetrated.

This kind of pain during sex can be known as vaginismus, which is involuntary spasms of the vaginal wall that can make having sex extremely painful. Vaginismus is actually caused from anxiety about having sex, and it’s something you can overcome by trying to ease that anxiety and relaxing yourself.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be vaginismus – it could simply be a combination of nerves and the confusing sensation of putting something large down there if you never have before. If it’s your first time, and you’ve never put anything else down there aside from a finger or a tampon, penetration can be jarring and very painful. It’s recommended to try to work through the pain until you don’t feel it, but that’s only if the pain is minor. If it’s so bad that you’re extremely uncomfortable, you should stop and take a breath.

Here’s what you can do: try to relax. It sounds like frustrating advice, but it’s the best I can give you for this. Do a lot of foreplay to calm down and get in the mood – whatever you like that turns you on works. Try to get yourself to feel comfortable. Take things slow – no going super fast. Use a lot of lube. It can make the whole situation a lot easier and will help make it feel better. You might need another few tries before it feels good and not painful – and that’s okay. Do what feels right for you.

Good luck!

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com 


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