9 Embarrassing Questions About Not Being Able To Have An Orgasm, Answered

Most people associate sex with feeling good – no, feeling great. Sex is supposed to be a release, the best feeling in the world, something that people will make really dumb choices over just to feel that good. But what if sex doesn’t feel great? Or, what if it feels okay, but it really feel that good? Like, it’s fine, but you know something is lacking, and you know that something is the orgasm you, and anyone else who has sex, is supposed to have. Realizing that you aren’t in the orgasm club is decidedly not great. Not being able to have an orgasm is confusing, upsetting, frustrating, and even a little embarrassing.

But it shouldn’t be embarrassing, because the hard truth is this: if you’re a woman, chances are good that you have, at some point, experienced a period of time where you haven’t been able to have an orgasm. Maybe you’re still in that period of time. Maybe you can have them sometimes, but not all the time. Whatever the case is, it’s way, way more common than you think, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. The female sexual organs are, unfortunately, still quite mysterious, because they are complicated and hard to figure out. For many women, figuring out how to orgasm is tricky and takes as lot of time.

So, if you’re feeling totally stumped, I have answered some of the “embarrassing” questions you might have. Hopefully, they’ll help you on your path to bliss:

Are You Doing Something Wrong If You Can't Orgasm?

Well, yes and no. Let me explain the "no" part first. Like I explained above, it's normal for females to have trouble having an orgasm. It can take a long time to figure out what your body likes sexually, and to find out what works for you. So, not being able to have an orgasm does not mean you are doing all the wrong things, or that you suck at sex stuff, or that there is something wrong with your body. It probably just means you haven't figured it out yet.

But, I guess, you kind of are doing something wrong - and that something is that you're trying things that aren't working. There's nothing wrong with that, though, as long as you're trying and experimenting. If something you're doing isn't leading to an orgasm, then it's the wrong thing for you - it doesn't mean you'll never orgasm, it just means you need to try something different. Get it?

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Is There Something Wrong If Your Orgasms Are Only MIA During Sex?

If you've ever watched a sex scene in a movie or TV show, then you would assume that people orgasm exactly two minutes after starting sex. This is not true - usually - and it's especially not true for women. Having a vaginal orgasm from sex is hard and rare, so no, there's nothing wrong if you can't orgasm from sex. Most women who orgasm from sex are, somehow, getting their clitoris stimulated at the same time (more on that in a minute), although vaginal orgasms are certainly possible.

So, simply put: If you find that you can only orgasm from fingering or oral sex or masturbation, that means that you need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, which is completely normal. You just need to figure out how to incorporate that into sex to orgasm during sex. Or, do what some women do: orgasm from other things, and then use sex as just a part of your experience.

Source: iStock

Okay, But What If You Can't Orgasm From Clitoral Stimulation Either?

Maybe you read that and you were like, "Okay, cool, great, except I CAN'T ORGASM FROM ANYTHING." That's okay! It's fine! I swear. Maybe you just haven't figured out the right way to stimulate your clitoris. Maybe you haven't tried the right sexual position. Again, it can take a lot of practice and time before you get the whole orgasm thing down. And, honestly, there are some women out there who find that they can't orgasm from clitoral stimulation, they can only orgasm from sex. That's normal too.

Source: iStock

What Are The Best Tips For Being Able To Have An Orgasm?

Okay, these are your top tips if you're having trouble orgasming:

1. Relax. Seriously. Thinking about having an orgasm and then thinking about how you can't have an orgasm and then wondering if you'll have one or if this new thing will work is leading to stress and... you will not orgasm. You have to stop focusing on it and just enjoy yourself.

2. Try stimulating your clitoris while having sex. Like I said, some women need their clitoris to be stimulated in order to have an orgasm. You can try to touch yourself or have your partner do it. You can also try using a sex toy, like a small vibrator, if that's easier. Or, try a position that will better stimulate your clitoris.

3. Figure out how to orgasm on your own before doing it with a partner by masturbating. This can help you learn what you like on your terms without the stress of having someone else watching.

Source: iStock

Okay, But What About For People Who Have Already Tried Everything?

Uh, keep trying? I know that sounds annoying, but it's the only answer I have. Sometimes it feels like you've tried everything, but you haven't, really, and you just need to keep experimenting until you find what works for you. Try masturbating more, watching porn to get ideas, different positions... be more open-minded and relax and try not to focus on it so much.

Source: iStock

Does Not Having An Orgasm Mean You're Actually A Lesbian?

I've gotten questions before from girls saying they can't orgasm from sex, and they worry that means they're a lesbian. First of all, if you ARE a lesbian, that's not something to be bummed about. But to actually answer the question? I mean, I don't know. I can't answer that question. If you're attracted to dudes and you like having sex with dudes and you're just not having an orgasm, you're probably straight and you just haven't reached the big O yet. If you're not interested in sex with men, but the thought of sex with women excites you, then sure - you might be a lesbian. But the lack of an orgasm on its own doesn't mean you are.

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Is It Okay To Fake Orgasms For Your Partner?

The answer to this is kind of controversial. No, it's not okay to fake orgasms for your partner, because that doesn't do you any good - it makes them think they're doing the right thing when they aren't, so they won't try different things because they don't think they need to. And if they ever found out you were faking it, they would be very upset.

But, at the same time, it's understandable to want to fake an orgasm to please your partner if you simply can't orgasm during sex but can orgasm other ways (like via oral). Honestly, it's up to you. Don't fake it just for them and sacrifice your pleasure.

Source: iStock

What If You Can Only Orgasm From Masturbating?

That's actually more normal than you think. It makes sense, too - when masturbating, your focus is solely on you. You're alone, your inhibitions are lowered, you feel more free and relaxed, and you can do whatever you want without thinking about anyone else. So, if you can't orgasm with a partner, it could be because you're nervous.

The next time you're having sex, try touching yourself the way you do at home during the act. Or, have your partner do it. Or just take what you do and show them!

Source: iStock

What Does An Orgasm Actually Feel Like, and Will You Know When It Happens?

So, if you're asking if you'll know if you had an orgasm, then chances are good that you have not had an orgasm. You will KNOW. It's hard to explain what it's like - it's just... a lot of good stuff. It's a lot. It's not really easy to describe! I know that's frustrating to hear, but you'll know it when it happens.

Source: iStock

Did you find these answers helpful? Let us know in the comments.

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