Can you help me? I had sex with my guy best friend last week. It wasn’t planned at all, he just came over as usual, we watched a movie, and we ended up hooking up. The next day wasn’t very awkward and he spent the whole day with me, hanging out and stuff. But now he’s not as talkative as he used to be. I’ve always had feelings for him and he’s always known that, but now that he’s barely speaking to me I feel like he just wanted sex and now he’s gone! We haven’t spoken about the situation and everything is awkward. I’m scared to bring it up. Wondered if you had any advice?
Wow, this is a crappy situation and I’m sorry you have to go through it. As you clearly already know, hooking up with a close friend is complicated and can make things really awkward and confusing. But it happens, a lot, and navigating the relationship afterwards can be tough. So, I’ll try to decipher his behavior as best as I can.
Here’s what I think might be going on: this guy knew he could hook up with you if he wanted to, and so one night, one thing lead to another and it happened. He probably had a great time, but then thought, “Crap, I don’t want anything serious and I know she likes me, and what if she wants something serious? What if I just made her think I want to date her? Now I don’t know how to act or what to say.” So, instead of trying to say anything at all, he has decided to avoid you and the situation in the hopes that it will just go away on its own. He is scared you’re going to want a relationship, and his way of communicating that he doesn’t feel the same way, that the sex was just casual, is by freezing you out a bit.
That might be hard to hear, but it also might be the case. Of course, there are two other possible scenarios as well. One would be this: He hooked up with you, and now feels totally confused about what’s going on and how he feels, and doesn’t know how to act, so he’s ignoring it. Two: He became your friend with the sole purpose of having sex with you, lead you on until it happened, had sex with you, and is now moving on to the next one.
None of them are ideal, to be honest.
I don’t know if this guy manipulated you just to use you for sex, or if he genuinely likes you as a friend but wanted to hook up but also has no interest in making things more serious. What I do know is that it’s probably one of those two things (if he liked you and wanted to date you, he probably would not be avoiding you right now), and also, you need to say something to him. He’s being a coward by ignoring the situation, waiting for it to disappear on its own, and you should take this time to be the bigger person and speak up.
You don’t need to confront him with a huge argument, but you do need to say something if you ever want any sense of closure. Text (or talk in person, whichever is easier), and say something like this: “I feel like I’ve barely heard from you since we hooked up and I’m just feeling confused about how to act. What are you thinking?”
Hopefully he’ll respond with some sort of answer. If he kind of evades the question or blows it off to act like nothing is wrong, he’s probably thinking that was a one time thing and he doesn’t want it to happen again because he doesn’t want to continue to lead you on. If he ignores it completely, then he definitely doesn’t want it to happen again and is freaked out and is also a jerk!
And, to be real, what he did was a jerk move. He knew you liked him, and he had sex with you without discussing things first – sure, things like that happen ~in the moment~ but then afterwards, he should have said something about where his head was. The fact that he’s now barely speaking to you is a douchey move, because he knows you’re probably freaked out, and it’s not something a true friend would do. So, if he barely responds to you or ignores you, take that as your clue to move on and get past the hookup. You deserve better.
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