Ask A Guy: How To Tell If Your Sexual Needs Are Freaking Out Your Boyfriend

Hey Joel,

I have a guy that I am absolutely crazy about. He is everything I have always wanted and I don’t ever want to offend him. The thing is, I am very sexual and have deep needs. My last relationship fell apart because he was a vanilla sex person and didn’t get it. However my new man is so special to me. I do not want him to think ill of me. So what do guys think of women who have powerful sexual needs? Also, how can I let him know what I really want without scaring him?


The very short answer is that if this guy doesn’t click with you sexually, then he is NOT everything you want. That’s not to say sex is everything in a relationship, but it is important enough that it can only be compromised to a certain extent. It can absolutely be a deal breaker, but it’s also not an all or nothing situation.

Let’s dig into the importance of sex in relationships first, as I think most people are a bit off in their thinking. So many people see good sex as an added benefit to a relationship, but the reality is that it is essential. If you aren’t sexually compatible with your partner, one of you will eventually look elsewhere to fulfill that need.

This is why being open and honest about your sexual needs is essential to a successful relationship. I’m not saying you need to put it all out there on day one, or even during your first intimate encounter; but early on in the relationship you need to have a direct conversation about what you want/need in the bedroom.

With all that in mind, you cannot betray who you are and what you need in terms of sex. You clearly understand that the “vanilla” sex in your last relationship was a deal breaker, and you need to be prepared for that happening again. NOTHING is wrong with you or your wants, but everyone isn’t into everything in the bedroom. You can’t force someone to be into whatever you like, so if you have a super high sex drive, it’s oftentimes just a matter of trying until you find the right guy.

The bottom line here is understanding that you need to stay true to yourself, as denying your sexual needs will cause a host of problems in so many areas of your life. While this guy may be amazing in many ways, if he can’t fulfill your sexual needs, he’s just not the right guy for you.

Best wishes,


Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

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