A few weeks ago, I was introduced to the term “hoe tips,” and since then, my life hasn’t been the same. Okay, fine, that’s an exaggeration, but I definitely still laugh about them at least once a day. Hoe tips are basically advice for girls on beauty, self-care, vaginas, sex, skincare, working out, and more. I think hoe tips are an attempt at helping girls feel confident and good about themselves, but… I don’t know. The message comes across in a really weird way, and some of the hoe tips out there are awful. Terrible. Like, tips you definitely should not listen to, ever.
For one thing, hoe tips are always displayed in a janky looking graphic that may or may not have been made by your five year cousin who went emoji happy on the computer. For another, they can be found all over Pinterest, and the link they lead to is almost always a spammy looking website selling weird acne medication or beauty products that aren’t FDA regulated. These are only two reasons you should not trust hoe tips. I mean, sure, some of them actually do offer good advice, and I like the supposed idea behind them – that girls should learn how to take care of themselves in a fun way – but I really wish they weren’t spreading bad advice. Some of these tips won’t work at all, but some are actually dangerous!
A lot of the below tips go back to that weird Pinterest hack idea where people start to assume anything ~natural~ and ~pure~ is a miracle ingredient, when that’s just not true. I’ve seen some truly terrible tricks on Pinterest, but the below have got to take the cake. Please don’t fall for these really bad hoe tips:
1. These tips on what products can go on your vagina.
Important note: coconut oil does not do everything. Just wanted to point this out, as hoe tips have a special love for coconut oil. Another thing: just because something is a natural ingredient doesn’t mean it’s going to be good for your vagina. Let’s discuss:
- Coconut Oil: I have never heard anyone say that this will prevent or cure yeast infections. Ever. This is because it absolutely will not. A yeast infection is due to bacteria, and coconut oil is not a medication. It will not help your yeast infection. In fact, it might make things worse. Please, if you have a yeast infection, call your doctor. Do not effing use coconut oil on your vagina.
- Apple Cider Vinegar: Again, this will not cure a yeast infection. Please get medication. There are a lot of things that ACV is genuinely great for, but I don’t think it’s great for your vagina, because honestly, nothing is great for your vagina. It is self-cleaning. It doesn’t need extra stuff!
- Tea Tree Oil: Why does this person seem to think that oils will cure yeast infections? Please, please do not try this! Don’t put tea tree oil on your vag! Or in it! It won’t do anything at all except maybe give you an infection!
2. This popular tip on how to get rid of dark underarms.
I see a lot of Pinterest tips out there that suggest using baking soda on your skin as a way to get rid of basically anything. It’s not a great idea. Baking soda can be very harsh for your skin, and it shouldn’t be slathered all over your body. On top of that, it won’t make your underarms lighter! It’s not a great exfoliator! If you’re concerned about shading in your armpits, try waxing rather than shaving, or just like, let your armpits live, man.
3. These tips on how to look like a Barbie doll *tongue emoji*
My first reaction upon seeing this work of art was, “literally what?” I don’t know how jewelry would make you look like a Barbie doll, because Barbies don’t wear jewelry. I don’t know what “baddie makeup” is, even with that description. I am confused about the effort and dressing tip. I am infuriated by the idea that you need to walk around with a smile plastered on your face. I HATE this, is what I’m saying.
4. These tips on how to… be a girl?
Okay, let’s talk about this list one by one, because it is Not Good.
- Please for the love of God do not rub coconut oil and vanilla extract on your body like “cupcake mix.” It sounds disgusting. Coconut oil is oily AF, and vanilla extract is not only sticky, it’s also expensive, y’all. This will not make your skin good. It might smell like dessert, but it will leave you oily and sticky and horrible.
- I have no idea if slathering your nails with olive oil will help the polish dry, but I do know that pouring olive oil on your hands is a sure way to make sure you can’t hold anything for at least an hour.
- Vaseline will not make your eyelashes grow. It will make them feel sticky and oily and you won’t be able to open your eyes. Also, I just don’t think Vaseline should be that close to your eyeballs. It sounds extremely dangerous.
- I have never heard of this aloe vera tip in my six years of writing about beauty, which means it more than likely does not work.
5. These vagina tips that will do more harm than good.
Why do the people who write hoe tips hate their vaginas? I don’t understand. I thought the point was to take care of your vag, not destroy it? Anyway, let’s discuss these tips, okay?
- Do not use baby wipes “every time.” First of all, you should not flush baby wipes. They will clog your toilet. Second, baby wipes shouldn’t be by your vag that often – it can lead to an infection.
- There is no evidence that these fruits will do anything positive to your vagina. I’m assuming this tip is for making it smell and taste better, and there’s no evidence it will work – that’s a LOT of fruit.
- Don’t put tea tree oil down there. Don’t put anything down there, if you can help it.
- What vitamins? I don’t understand. There is no explanation here.
- Don’t invest in a soap for your vagina. It will clean itself. That is literally the coolest thing about a vagina. Let it do its thing.
6. This trick to burn fat quickly:
Okay, so this drink sounds disgusting, for one thing. Cinnamon and water is not a good combination. Cinnamon and LIME? No thanks. Aside from that, there is absolutely no evidence that these things will burn fat, let alone “tummy fat.” You can’t target fat in a specific area with an effing drink. Also? Water and fruit is a great alternative to sugary drinks, but strawberries and even limes still have sugar. Natural sugar, yes, but too much sugar in any form is still not good for you.
7. This tip to make your boobs perkier:
No. This won’t work. I don’t care what you read or what you think or what you heard. It doesn’t work. I’m sorry. Your boobs will sag with age – it happens. Deal with it. Don’t rub them with olive oil.
8. These tricks for getting an hourglass figure.
This whole graphic is BS. If you weren’t born with an hourglass figure, chances are good that you will not get one unless you get plastic surgery. Everyone’s body is different. An hourglass figure means that your hips and chest are wider than your waist. These tips aren’t going to help you – allow me to explain why!
- Gaining weight to make your butt bigger is a ridiculous tip. Yes, gaining weight might make your butt bigger, but I’m assuming it won’t be the “big” you’re looking for. On top of that, you can’t instruct your body where to gain weight. You can eat more all you want, but you can’t then be like, “Okay, body, you know what to do – store all of this fat in my ass so that it magically balloons in size like Kylie Jenner.” It doesn’t work that way (and Kylie’s butt is fake. Sorry).
- Getting a “flat tummy” is really, really hard. The only way to do it is to change your diet and eat less. Targeted work-outs are proven not to work. By that I mean that just doing ab workouts isn’t going to tone your abs – you need to work out your whole body. On top of that, all the crunches in the world are not going to make you lose fat in your stomach – that is only something that can happen through your diet. And teas and detoxes? They’ll make you poop a lot, which might make your stomach feel flat, but they aren’t a long-term solution, and they are not good for you.
9. This hair growth mask:
Um, I hate to tell you this, but olive oil and conditioner are not going to make your hair grow. This mask is just going to make your hair incredibly oily, which is not what you want, I’m assuming. Keep your hair healthy in order for it to grow – this mask isn’t going to do anything positive.
10. These diet tips:
Some parts of this are true: You won’t lose weight unless you change your diet no matter how much you work out, eating three meals a day is very important, making your own food is always a healthier and cheaper option than buying food, and green tea is really good for you. But some of it is not so good. Using a strict elimination diet where you only eat one kind of food isn’t healthy. Sure, eating all greens will help you lose weight, but it’s not giving you enough nutrients – and the second you introduce other foods back to your diet, you’ll probably gain that weight right back. Drink water and green tea, but don’t assume that detox drinks are the answer to your problems.
11. These tips on how to deal with your period:
This is… very confusing. Some of it is true (Advil will obviously help with pain, and of course you should change your pad throughout the day, I really would hope that you don’t need this reminder?), but most of it is weird AF.
- Again, don’t use feminine wipes. They can disturb your pH balance and cause an infection.
- I’ve never heard that eating or drinking cold things will give you cramps. This is also a ridiculous tip, because avoiding that is not easy.
- I… have no idea what hot tea will do for your period pains. I mean, drink it, it’s great, but don’t expect some magical end to your suffering.
- I don’t understand the sweet tip because hot chocolate is not a healthy substitution to any other sweet food?
- I have literally no idea why this girl is telling you to wear socks for period pain.
- And yeah, drink water, of course. You should always drink it. But again – don’t expect it to change everything.
12. These random beauty tips:
GUYS WHY ARE ALL THESE TIPS ALMOST THE SAME THING FOR EVERY GRAPHIC? Again, let’s go over this:
- Olive or coconut oil will not make your freaking eyebrows grow. This is common sense. It will make them softer and more manageable, but it will not make them grow.
- Please stop putting random products near or in your vagina. It’s just not a good idea unless you enjoy itching, extra discharge, and infections.
- Do NOT rub coconut oil all over your body unless you have plans to slide around naked everywhere. It is oily and slippery AF and it is not comfortable.
- Okay, this exfoliator tip is good. I approve.
13. This tip to use honey to get rid of acne:
What? No. This is so ridiculous I can’t believe it’s here. If we could cure zits with a dab of honey overnight, do you really think the beauty industry would make millions of dollars off of all of the acne products on the market? Please. This will absolutely not work.
14. This trick on making your nails grow:
Who in the world went around telling girls olive oil would make anything on their body grow? WHO? Please tell me who this person is so I can teach them something.
15. These ideas on how to get rid of dark pores on your legs:
Okay, first of all, those aren’t dark pores on your legs. It’s shading from hair. It happens to many, many people, and I totally get feeling self-conscious about it, but I promise you it isn’t a big deal. Also, none of these things will work. NONE OF THEM.
16. These tips on getting “thiiiiick.”
WHATTTTTT. I hate this. I am so mad. I AM SO MAD.
- Yes, eat right. No, DO NOT EAT TONS OF BREADS. I mean, yes, eat tons of bread because bread is delicious, but bread will also make you gain weight, especially “tons” of it. Bread isn’t good for you, and it will cause weight gain, but again, you can’t control the kind of weight gain it will cause, so… just eat a normal amount of bread!!!!
- Yes, working out is great for you. But eating four small meals a day? That is not enough food, and it is very confusing to be told this after being told to binge out on effing bread of all things. Eat six small meals a day, if you want to be healthier. Not FOUR. Jesus.
- Google how to make your hips wider? WHAT?
- Again, do not spot train. Spot training doesn’t work. Read why here.
17. This popular tip on using vanilla extract to smell good.
Vanilla extract smells delicious. But also, it is expensive AF, and it is sticky. It’s a baking item, and it is not meant to be poured all over your body so that you can smell great. If you want to smell delicious, then buy a perfume!
18. This other popular tip on getting rid of blackheads.
I am so exhausted by this advice that I read on Pinterest at least once a day. Here’s the deal: cinnamon is really harsh for your skin. It can cause a really, really bad reaction, especially if you’re sensitive. I would never recommend using it as a mask. There is absolutely no evidence that will do anything, including getting rid of your blackheads.
19. This trick on using bananas as skincare.
WHAT. Who in the hell is walking around this earth after rubbing a banana peel all over their body?! There is no evidence that a banana peel will do any of these things. You know what it will do? It will make you sticky. It will make you smell like an effing banana. And it will probably attract bugs to your skin. Fun! Sexy! Bugs!
20. These… I don’t know what these are.
I have… so many questions. Who is this girl? What is this introduction? Why are these tips haunting me?
- STOP USING APPLE CIDER VINEGAR IN YOUR VAGINA.
- Please don’t use coconut oil as a moisturizer, guys. It is SO oily!
- Okay, yes, I like this girl’s tip about the brown sugar and coconut oil. There are certain things coconut oil will work for, and this is one of them.
- Yes, drain your tub. Why… what… why is this here? What does this have to do with self-care? Why do you need to be told to do this?
- What is this tip about bath salts? Have I gone mad from reading too many hoe tips? What is happening to me?
Which one of these tips have you tried? Do you disagree about anything? Share in the comments.