I don’t know what it is, exactly, but lately, I have been subjected to seeing some Very Bad Clothes on the internet. Specifically, what I have been most subjected to are some Really Bad Pants. As you can see, I’m not the only one:
— The A.V. Club (@TheAVClub) April 25, 2017
— CNN (@CNN) April 25, 2017
To be clear, I am not against pants that are simply weird or subversive or “unflattering” or technically immodest or whatever other descriptor that people use to describe clothes they don’t like. As long as a pair of pants bring you enough joy that you feel compelled to spend some of your hard-earned cash on them, you should feel free to wear them. That’s that.
What I am against, however, are pants that very clearly exist only to cause their wearer pain. You know, like, those jeans that you see at TJMaxx or something with weird holes or panels or patches on them and can’t quite believe they’re real, so you check the price tag and realize that, not only are they real, they’re, like, Marc Jacobs, or something, and they’re $500 (reduced from $800), and you’re expected to be tricked into buying them because of the designer label and reduced-but-still-ludicrous-price but not today, Satan.
You know? You know. Anyway, pants like this are out to get you, all the time, and it is important to stay vigilant in your fight against them. So. Check out these pants here that, um, probably aren’t worth the money:
1. Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans, $425
What can I say about these artificially mud-splattered jeans that has not yet already been said? They are bad. Your dad would hate them.
2. Crystalline Clear Pants, $210
$210 for a leg sweat-maker? In this economy? No thanks!!
3. “CORM” Flare-Leg Jeans, $520
Say goodbye to your feet. Forever.
4. “Hand-Painted” Doodle Crop Jeans, $575
Just make these yourself. You have the technology (your mom’s old jeans, Sharpies) and skill (the ability to hold a pen in your hand) to do so. I promise.
5. Ankle Grazer Skinny Jeans, $595
This…is…just…duct tape. Right?
Do you ever find yourself wondering if Rihanna has just been taunting us all along?
Like your gym shorts from middle school, only…different.
YOU CAN MAKE THESE YOURSELF.
9. Mirror Motif Jeans, $1,180
These too. These are patches. Just glue them on, and you’ll be good to go.
10. MOTO Clear Panel Mom Jeans, $95
Sure. Whatever. Fine.
11. Xenia Ruched Crop Jeans, $685
12. Yeezus, Mary, Jay-Z shorts, $19.90
Who is this “Mary?”
13. Vetements x Levi’s Denim Hot Pants, $1,160
First of all, the price for these shorts is…insane. Second of all, you definitely have it (or something that looks just like it) in your closet already. Finally, I must confess that “Vetements x Levi’s Denim Hot Pants” is a word pairing I hoped never to see with my own two eyes. Yet here we are.
What do you think of these pants? Would you ever actually buy any of them? Let us know in the comments!