What To Do If Your Crush Says You’re Too Needy

Hi Heather,

I met this cute guy recently and there were sparks, so we started chatting on Snapchat. He complimented me, seemed interested in me, and we had some nice conversations. Last week, he said he was really busy with school and work and stuff and sent me this message: “Just doing stuff, I probs won’t respond to all messages and I wouldn’t expect you to either, sometimes you’re just busy, ya know?” Unintentionally, I started acting a little needy and kept messaging him anyway, and he noticed and said, “you seem a little needy, we don’t need to talk every day.”

I understand I overstepped a bit, I backed off, and we didn’t talk for a few days. Then the other day I said “hi” and got a “hi” back from him. I want to apologize for my previous actions, but I’m afraid I’ll look more needy. What should I do?


Being called needy by anyone, especially a crush, can be a really sucky feeling. No one wants to be thought of as annoying, and after that, it can be difficult to figure out how to act around that person again. As uncomfortable as it feels, it’s also not the end of the world – you can make things right again.

I can see how this guy might have gotten annoyed and it seems like you can too – he told you he was going to be busy and basically said he didn’t have time to talk, but you kept messaging him anyway. Now, of course you don’t have to allow him to dictate how you act, but if he let you know he was going to be very busy, he was probably trying to give a polite heads up. We can’t change the past, though, so we won’t harp on it anymore.

A little time has passed, so what matters now are your present day actions. It’s good that you backed off and you guys didn’t talk for a few days, and I’m glad you felt secure enough to message him a short “hello.” However, I would say that now you should let him come to you. You’ve shown him that you’re still interested in talking and you reached out to make a move – now it’s time for him to show that he wants to talk. It’s great that he replied to your hello, but did he say anything else? If he doesn’t try to start a conversation and if he never reaches out to you, there might be a reason for that. And sure, it could be that he’s super busy, but if weeks go by and you hear nothing from him, let’s be real – no one is so busy that they don’t have time for a quick text in a few weeks time.

I would have to advise against apologizing about the neediness at this time. Doing so is probably going to make the situation worse. Why? A few reasons! One: you don’t need to be super apologetic about the original neediness. You already backed off and gave him some space. You guys have just started talking, so things are still really casual, meaning a long heartfelt apology isn’t needed here – what you did wasn’t that horrible. Two: You’re just reminding him of what happened, when this is the kind of thing that’s best left in the past and forgotten about. No need to bring it up if things seem fine! Three: An apology a few days after the fact will probably come off as more needy, believe it or not. If he thinks too many messages are annoying, then getting another one with a long apology will annoy him further.

If you want things to work out, I would just act in a more casual way. Message him to have a casual conversation. If he doesn’t message back, then don’t message him again. Take things really slowly. Try not to think about it so much! And if he’s not answering at all? Well, maybe things aren’t going to work out with this one.

Also: if this guy can’t let go of one small needy situation, that’s pretty lame. Everyone double texts or messages from time to time, and it’s not the end of the world. If it’s something he’s obsessing over, then you might be better off finding someone who doesn’t need everything to be on their terms.

Good luck!

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Posted in: Dating, Love Advice
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