Ask A Guy: What It Means If Your Crush Wants To Keep The Relationship A Secret

Hey Joel,

I haven’t dated or been with a guy in over a year and I’ve never been one to hook up or have friends with benefits. Out of nowhere, I met a guy. We had an instant attraction and seemed to have a lot in common. After one week, we ended up having sex. Now, all of a sudden he’s telling me to keep ‘us’ a secret. I feel absolutely horrible about myself now. He still contacts me now and then but hasn’t addressed my question about why he would do this. Is there any good explanation that could come of this or am I wasting my time?


The quick answer is that it’s almost certain that you’re wasting your time with this guy. Everything you’ve said tells me that he is hiding you from other people in his life, and I am guessing he’s got a girlfriend or a more serious relationship, and is just using you for a good time.

Since you say you’re not the type for random hookups, and the fact that this guy sort of came out of nowhere, I am guessing that he’s done this before and is likely a serial cheater. He was probably out on the prowl the night you met, and was hoping to find a new hookup buddy. The fact that he’s trying to keep it on the down-low, combined with contacting you “now and again” screams exactly this.

Due to that reality, I would forget about him. He sounds somewhere between shady and dishonest, and no matter how charming he may have been or how good the sex was, this is not a guy you want for a relationship. It really sounds like he cheated on someone else when hooking up with you, and chances are, he’ll do it again. Kick him to the curb and don’t be the next girl on his list.

One thing, though: don’t beat yourself up over this jerk. Sadly, shady guys don’t have to wear name tags to clue you in beforehand, and even the most street-smart and intuitive people get fooled now and again. It was a mistake, but mistakes happen. If I were you, I’d look at it as a learning experience.

Use this as a springboard to get back out in the dating scene. There are tons of amazing guys out there, so put this boy in the rearview mirror and find your perfect man!

Best wishes,


Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

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  • This sounds terrible! This is exactly why I don’t date and never will.. Though, my ex-friend, Claire, should read this article, since there are fishy things flying around about Nate, her boyfriend…