I have been seeing this guy since September. In the beginning, he told me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship… but he wasn’t talking to anyone else and neither was I, so we started seeing in each other. Right away, we were acting like we were in a relationship, we just didn’t have a title. He ended things in December, because he knew that I wanted to get serious and he didn’t want that. In January, he reached out to me again and said he missed me. We went on a date and hung out a few times. I asked him what he wanted and he says he goes back and forth. He says he knows he likes me, but he’s not sure about being serious.
I told him I can’t do the friends with benefits thing anymore and that if he wanted to continue seeing me, I needed more. He still said he doesn’t want a relationship because we’re seniors in college and don’t know what the future holds. He says he doesn’t know where his heart is and that he’s going through a lot – his friend just died, his uncle was diagnosed with cancer, he was hit by a car riding a bike and has to go to court, and of course school work. We ended things and he said he would think about it. I asked him if this meant he just didn’t like me enough to date me and he told me he doesn’t think that’s it. What’s your opinion? How do you know if a guy is actually not ready for a relationship or if he’s just using that as an excuse?
It’s really great that you’re both being so honest with each other because communication is so important in a situation like this. However, that isn’t totally making the confusion go away. You were right to question him – most of the time when guys say stuff like “I’m not ready for a relationship,” what they really mean is, “I don’t want a relationship with you.” I don’t blame you for being weary of this!
In this case, I can honestly say that it really does sound like this dude is confused AF. Everything you said he has going on is a lot to deal with, especially during his senior year of college, which is a pretty big deal. I would understand if he truly didn’t feel mentally able to be in a relationship right now because he doesn’t have time or focus for it. But. But. The fact that you’ve given him ultimatums and he’s already walked away once, then the second time still insisted he didn’t want a relationship… that seems like it says something. And him saying he “doesn’t think” the reason is that he doesn’t like you enough also rings some alarms.
I can’t tell you if he’s actually not ready or not, and it sounds like he can’t either, for some reason. I think the best thing you can do here is go with your gut. You’ve already been honest with him and he knows what you want. Now is the time to walk away, and this time, don’t go back to him if he calls you saying he misses you. If you do it a second time, he’ll know that he can get away with only seeing you casually and that you’ll always come back. And you don’t want that, so you can’t let it continue.
If he really does like you a lot and just isn’t ready for a relationship right now, then he will eventually figure it out, and hopefully he’ll call you. But you can’t get him to that point any faster and it’s something he needs to work out on his own. If he’s just not into the idea of a relationship with you, then this kind of behavior will continue – or he’ll disappear too.
It’s definitely going to hurt to walk away from this guy. It sounds like you like him a lot, and it’s so hard to go through something like this. But you seem like a confident, strong woman who knows what she wants. You deserve someone who is going to hear you say, “I want you to be my boyfriend” and respond with, “YES!” You don’t deserve to be told to wait while they figure things out and deal with everything else before you. It’s not that this guy is doing something wrong here – he’s being honest, which is great – it’s just that he’s clearly dealing with some stuff and can’t totally be there for you. And you deserve someone who CAN be there for you.
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