I used to hook up with this guy who went to my school. I really liked him, but he made it clear that he didn’t want anything serious, and then he switched to a different school for a magnet program.
We stopped talking and I noticed that he started dating someone else a few months ago. But this weekend, totally out of the blue, he texted me. We were talking, and then I watched his Snapchat and saw that he was literally with his girlfriend when he was texting me. He wasn’t saying anything bad or sexual, but we were never actually friends, so it’s not like he’s catching up with an old friend. He’s catching up with someone he used to hook up with, which I don’t think I’d be comfortable with if I were his girlfriend. Is this weird, or am I being too sensitive? Is he keeping tabs on me to make sure he can still get with me if he wants? I still do sort of like him. Should I tell his girlfriend?
I think you are totally right to be more than a bit wary of his intentions, and kudos to you for looking out for his girlfriend. While it’s not a 100% for sure thing that he’s being unfaithful or leaning in that direction, your thought that he’s just keeping tabs on you is probably right on target.
Whether you want to call it a “safety net” or anything else, it’s absolutely a real thing that lots of people do during a relationship. If often comes to light when there is a prolonged period of less-than-great times between the two in a relationship, and one of the people will start thinking of better times. Reaching out to a former hookup or girlfriend happens all the time, and sadly, it usually means the end of at least one relationship.
As much as I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s just trying to have you as a friend, when you consider most people in this situation, they’d almost certainly be testing the waters to see if there is still hookup possibility. It’s shady and wrong and says something about the guy, but at the same time, tons of people do it all the time.
Insofar as what you should do, that’s not a simple answer. If all he’s doing right now is texting you pretty standard stuff, I don’t think it’s wise to say anything to his girlfriend. There’s really nothing to say and it would likely backfire big time. However, if his texts start to get more suggestive, you may need to make a very tough choice.
If you do decide to say something, know that this guy will never talk to you again. Also, if you have mutual friends, it could cause some turmoil – even though you’d totally be in the right. At the same time, if you were his girlfriend and he was sending scandalous texts to another girl, I think you’d want to know what was going on.
For now, just text back to him if you want. You have no obligations whatsoever. If he genuinely tries to have a friendship with you, it’s your decision whether you want that or not. But like I said, be prepared for him to turn things back to hookups, because that’s probably where this is headed.
Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.
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