How To Know If Your Boyfriend Isn’t Attracted To You Anymore

Hi Heather,

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. Things were amazing until recently. Since we moved in together, it has been weird. I always knew he watched porn, but his private time was always when I wasn’t around. I was okay-ish with it. I understand his needs, but it’s always bugged me a little since for me, porn is cheating, in a way. But I dealt with it, until now, because he’s been turning me down for sex a lot.

The background story is this: I had more curves when we started dating, but I’ve been sick and have lost a lot of weight. I feel like he isn’t attracted to me anymore. I went on his iPad one day and ended up looking at his browser history, where I found a lot of porn. Most of it was BBW (Big Beautiful Women) porn. I found out that he’s been paying a website to watch these videos of this one BBW girl who is really big, curvy, and sexy. I was devastated. It’s his money, and he can do what he wants with it, but it’s only making me feel more insecure that he would rather pay for her than have sex with me. We don’t have a lot of money and this is annoying.

If I’m honest, I feel really insecure that he’s watching BBW porn when I have lost so much weight. Whenever we have sex, he only likes to do it while watching porn, and while the stars aren’t always BBW, they are always a little chubby. Does this mean he’s not attracted to me anymore? Was he only attracted to me because I was fatter? He always says he loves me, but I feel like these are empty words. Please help.

selena

I’m sorry you’re going through this! It’s natural to feel jealous and self-conscious when you find out that your partner is watching a lot of porn – especially when you find out that the girls in those videos look totally different than you. I understand where you’re coming from, and you have every right to feel upset about this. Now, you might have seen this coming, but here’s my advice: you have to talk to your boyfriend ASAP. This is an issue that isn’t going to go away, and in fact, it seems like it’s getting worse for you. Ignoring it isn’t the answer. You guys need to talk.

But first, let’s talk about what might be going on with him. Your BF watching porn featuring girls that don’t look like you is not an immediate sign that he’s no longer attracted to you. Actually, a lot of guys watch porn that features stars who look different than their significant other. This is because that kind of porn is more exciting to them. They get to see you and be with you IRL, so when they watch porn, which is a fantasy, it kind of makes sense that they would want to see something different. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you – it just means they’re using porn to explore other things that they know they won’t be able to explore in real life. Make sense?

That said, this is only true to an extent. It does sound like your boyfriend is dealing with something, and that might be one of two things: porn addiction, and/or a lack of sexual interest in you. Both of those are really tough to hear, but I want to be honest with you. He is showing some of the signs of porn addiction: losing interest in sex and watching porn instead, paying money for porn despite the fact that there is an abundance of free porn available online AND you guys struggle with money (it says a lot that he’s paying for this when he doesn’t need to and probably shouldn’t, tbh), and wanting to watch porn even when hooking up with you.

In small doses, those things are okay. If your BF only watching BBW porn sometimes but still expressed a lot of interest in you, it would be more normal. If he paid for porn once in a while but mainly relied on free sites, it would be okay. And if he just wanted to keep porn on during sex sometimes, but mainly showed interest in you, it would be pretty natural. But from what you describe, things seem more intense than that, and that’s not okay. He shouldn’t be relying on porn for his sex life – it should be a side thing that doesn’t take over, and it seems like it is taking over.

So, you need to talk to him. You have to tell him how you feel and ask him what’s going on. I don’t know what he’s thinking. Is it possible he isn’t attracted to your more slim figure? It’s possible. This happens quite often in long-term relationships – someone’s body changes, and the other partner feels unhappy about it. However, in happy and healthy relationships, the other partner adjusts, because they know that they love this person for more than the way they look. If your partner isn’t adjusting, something is wrong.

Be prepared for a conversation that might not go very well. Your boyfriend’s first instinct is going to be to defend himself – to say that porn is normal, everyone watches it, it’s no big deal, he still loves you, he’s still there for you. He might get angry, he might push you away, and he might make you feel like you’re making this up in your head. If that happens, keep pushing and keep trying to talk about it. You should not feel this way in your relationship. If he refuses to talk or change anything, maybe you two should try couple’s therapy. Or, maybe you should reconsider your relationship. It’s time to be honest, though – talk to him. It will be hard, but it’s your only chance of making things work.

Good luck!
Heather

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Posted in: Dating, Love Advice
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