15 Of The Worst Beauty And The Beast-Themed Products Ever

At this point, I think it is pretty clear that the Disney corporation, as a massive, all-encompassing entity, is never going to go away. You’ve got the original movies. The reboots. The theme parks. And, of course, there is the merch–if you want to make sure that a product of yours sells, all you have to do, as far as I can tell, is slap a Disney logo on it. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense, contextually, or it it is even technically legal–with that Disney logo, you’re all but guaranteed that a certain sect of people (you know, the people who loved Disney so much as a child that, as adults, they feel compelled to use the Disney parks as locations for all their major milestones, such as weddings and the ritual spreading of measles) will snap it right up.

I am mostly ambivalent about the overwhelming prevalence of Disney products today. I am all for letting people enjoy things, of course, and I do recognize that with late-stage capitalism also comes a few inevitable moral stains on society that manifest themselves in the form of useless tchotchkes. But there are only so many useless tchotchkes that one can endure before reaching a breaking point.

And, as it turns out, my breaking point happens to be Beauty and the Beast. (Not many people know this, but they are doing a live-action reboot of the original movie. No one in particular is starring it.) Some of it is good! But most of it, however, is bad. Who knew that turning a profit off of a bestiality-tinged Disney movie would be hard? So, check out the worst Beauty and the Beast-themed products that have ever been created (but are still probably going to sell out):

 

1. You remember, I am sure, this Justin Bieber X Emma Watson “Belle” doll:

belle-doll

Buy this from the Disney Store for $34.95

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

 

2. Which is rivaled only by this truly horrific “Funko” rendering of Belle:

belle-funko

Buy this from Hot Topic for $10

That nose! Those dead eyes!

 

3. There is also this, um, Beast Build-a-Bear:

 

beast-build-a-bear

Buy this from Build-a-Bear for $28

He’s cute! But not in the sense that, like, you might one day marry him, which, if you think about it, is what one is supposed to think upona ctually seeing Beauty and the Beast. So.

 

4. This extra-sensual Belle Build-a-Bear:

belle-build-a-bear

Buy this from Build-a-Bear for $25.50

A mate fit for, um, a beast.

 

5. This sensible “Feast Your Eyes” necklace from HSN that is…Beauty and the Beast-themed? Somehow?

beauty-and-the-beast-necklace

Buy this from HSN for $579.95

This can be yours for five monthly payments of $115.99!

 

 

6. This even more sensible “Belle of the Ball” Judith Leiber clutch:

beauty-and-the-beast-clutch-judith-leiber

Buy this from Neiman Marcus for $5,295 (hahahahahahahaha)

A steal at $5,295!

 

7. This (off-brand?) “Be Our Guest”-encrusted Le Creuset dish:

beauty-and-the-beast-le-creuset

Buy this from Williams Sonoma for $280

This is very pretty! But if you are the kind of person who is in the market for a $280 ceramic pot, something tells me that you are also not exactly the kind of person who goes for things bearing a visible Disney logo. (This is sold out on the Le Creuset site, though, so what do I know?)

 

8. This Beauty and the Beast manicure kit:

beauty-and-the-beast-manicure-kit

Buy this from Hot Topic for $10.32

Something to help you deal with the Beast’s…talons? I don’t know.

 

9. These, um, Belle-inspired shoes from HSN:beauty-and-the-beast-shoes

Buy these from HSN for $399

Belle would…never wear these, right?

 

10. These classy couple rings:
his-beauty-her-beast

Buy these from Hot Topic for $7.92

Patriarchal, heteronormative, and, for lack of a better word, bad!

 

11. This genuinely horrible t-shirt:ill-be-your-beast

Buy this from Hot Topic for $15.72

No.

 

12. This equally horrible “Emma Watson is bae”-type t-shirt:

okay-but-emma-watson-though

Buy this from Redbubble for $24

Absolutely not.

 

13. And, finally, we have the Mrs. Potts series. From bad…

mrs-potts

Buy this from Hot Topic for $10

Chip doesn’t deserve this!!

 

14. To worse…
mrs-potts-funko

Buy this from Hot Topic for $10

Chip!!! Those face tattoos!!

 

15. To absolute worst:mrs-potts-collection

Buy this (lol) from the Disney Store for $249.99

Never put eyes on things.

 

 

What do you think of these products? Which ones are your favorites? Let us know in the comments!

You can reach the author, Sara Hendricks, on Twitter and Instagram.

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