Guys, we need to talk about pooping.
If it were up to me, all of us would blissfully act as if pooping wasn’t even A Thing we do. We’d ignore it entirely, just go about the world highly aware that everyone poops without actually talking about the fact that everybody poops. We’d keep ignoring the fact that the girls bathroom smells awful, keep avoiding pooping at a friend’s house or other public place because OMG WHAT IF PEOPLE ARE GROSSED OUT, and we’d continue to pretend that spraying a bunch of air freshener post-poo absolves us of some kind of bowel sin. But even though I’m never going to be comfortable happily talking about my pooping behavior, we’ve got to find some way of being open and honest about the fact that pooping is a way of life…a way of life that so many of us are doing wrong.
Yes, you’re pooping wrong.
Believe it or not, there’s a right and a wrong way to poop based on physiological factors, environmental factors, etc. And chances are, you’re not pooping the right way. So check out these seven pooping mistakes you’re making every single day. You’re going to spend the rest of your life pooping anyway, so you might as well have it down to a science:
Waiting Too Long To PoopWe get pretty precious with our pooping. You know what I mean: You'll feel comfortable pooping at home or in certain bathrooms in your house, but you're hesitant to poop at school, or work, or on an airplane, or on vacation, etc. But at some point you have to learn that when it's time to go, it's time to go. You know that it's bad to hold in your urine for too long, right? Well, it's bad to hold in your poop for too long too. To make a long story short, constantly holding off your urge to poop confuses the hell out of the muscles and reflexes around your anus, which can lead to trouble pooping down the road. Nobody wants that. It's advisable to go to the bathroom within 15 minutes of those first signs of getting the urge to go. Broad City
You're Super Leisurely About Your Pooping TimeLook, if you claim to have never taken your dear sweet time while on the toilet, you're lying. Whether you're reading a book, checking your Instagram feed, or whatever the hell else you can do while seated in a bathroom, you've probably done it during your pooping time. Well...give it a rest, at least to some extent. There's a reason why your phone is covered in fecal germs, dude, and it's probably largely thanks to you being a little less sanitary than you think you between refreshing Twitter and wiping your butt. Harsh, I know, but it's the truth, okay? Girls
You're Straining YourselfListen, if you're having a hard time pooping--even when your body really wants to--don't effing strain yourself and push and push like you're giving birth or something. This seems like common sense, but don't act like you haven't done it before. It's not worth the hemorrhoids, dude. Your best bet is to take a little walk for 10 to 15 minutes; this can help stimulate the intestines and get the show on the road. Also, if this is happening more often than you'd like to admit, you should consider incorporating more water and fiber in your diet. Constipation ain't the business. Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
Your Feet Are Positioned Badly When You're PoopingYou might think that this photo of Ilana from Broad City sleeping on the crapper is ridiculous...and it is. But honestly, she's in a position that is better suited to pooping than you usually are. Yes, our bodies are designed to squat while we poop because that position triggers abdominal pressure, which makes it easier to have a bowel movement. But the toilet you usually use requires you to more or less have your seated body positioned at a 90 degree angle. Yeah, not a great for optimal pooping, and your rectum agrees. You should consider resting your feet on a small stool when you're going number two. Broad City
You're Wiping From Back To FrontA lot of you might be thinking, "uh, duh!" But hey, a lot of people still don't know this, so let me be clear: You should never--ever--wipe from back to front after you poop. And I mean ever. Why? You're putting yourself at risk of contracting a UTI because you're spreading fecal bacteria toward your urethra. Plus, you can ruin the bacterial balance of your vagina, which can lead to an infection. Yuck! My Mad Fat Diary
You Use Too Much Toilet PaperYes, we all want to be clean down there post-poo, but you don't need to use half of a roll of toilet paper to make it happen. Not only is it a waste of paper, overwiping can tear the delicate tissues around the anus, which can lead to some serious irritation down there. Nobody wants an itchy butt hole, right? Right. A couple of wipes should do, and if you regularly find yourself needing to do more than that, consider having a stash of flushable wet wipes in the bathroom. iStock.com
You're Underestimating The Beauty Of BidetsIn case you have no idea what a bidet is, here's the quick and dirty: A bidet is a feature on some toilets in which one can direct a pressured stream of water at your butthole after you poop. This might sound weird to you, but this is actually a really good way to keep clean down there. Water removes bits of fecal matter better than toilet paper does, you don't have to worry about wiping the wrong way, and the less toilet paper you use, you're saving some trees. I recently discovered that you can get a bidet attachment on your toilet; here's an example of the Tushy bidet attachment if you're curious. TUSHY/Instagram
Surprised by anything on this list? Tell us in the comments!