Being a person who has a vagina is hard. This is something we have been over more than a few times on this website–it’s hard when there are mystery fluids involved, it’s hard when your vagina hurts and you have no earthly way of knowing why, and it’s hard when random men tell you that you should be sealing your vagina off with literal glue during your period–but it’s also something that, in my personal opinion, can never lose its impact, no matter how many times it’s repeated. So, I’ll repeat it: having a vagina is hard.
Now, given that being in possession of a vagina is such a challenge, it’s probably no surprise that other people try to capitalize on it. There are a number of products on the market that claim to make vagina-owning significantly easier, some of which seem to work just fine–Thinx and DivaCup, for example, have a bunch of die-hard stans who will vouch for either product’s efficacy in a second–and others that, uh, don’t seem to work super well. And, interestingly enough, the ones that seem the most useless–or, in some cases, actually actively harmful–often end up being the most expensive ones, too. Which, if you think about it, is pretty rude. So, check out these insanely, ludicrously expensive products for your vagina that, no matter how high-end they are, will probably just ruin your vagina:
1. A Gwyneth Paltrow-endorsed jade egg:
Goop, the Gwyneth Paltrow-helmed lifestyle website, made a lot of headlines this January when they ran a piece hawking a $66-dollar egg-shaped piece of jade. The idea behind it was that one was meant to stick it right up their vag (referred to as a “yoni” in the piece) to “detox” and “increase chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general.
Now, truthfully, I love Gwyneth Paltrow. I love Goop, I love her weird, inaccessible lifestyle tips, and I think everyone should own at least one of her cookbooks. But the vagina eggs? I’m passing on that, and you probably should, too–most doctors say that putting a jade egg up your vagina doesn’t actually have any benefits, and, in a lot of cases, can also actually be harmful.
2. At-home vagina steamer:
In other Gwyneth Paltrow/vagina news (there’s…a lot of it?), you may recall that, in early 2015, Gwyneth caused her first vagina-based controversy when she told her readers to get a $50 Mugwort V Steam–that is, a steaming treatment for your vagina. If that sounds a like an expensive way to throw away your money, you’re right. Most doctors agree that steam has no place anywhere near or around your vagina.
Anyway, you can technically buy a number of vagina steamers for at-home steaming–my favorite the one from Etsy that you see above and, considering that it appears to be a genuine medieval torture chair, is a bargain at $154 –but please don’t.
3. Vagina fitness tracker:
This year’s crop of Academy Award nominees received a gift bag worth about $200,000. In it was something called an Elvie, which is a device that goes inside your vagina and pairs up with your smartphone to help you practice Kegels.
This one doesn’t seem as ludicrous as, say, a jade vagina egg–and, in fact, it’s probably pretty good for you–but, at $199, it’s a lot to shell out for something that you can just do on your own. (And, if you were wondering, you can also buy this at the Goop store. Because of course you can.)
4. A vagina facial:
At Haven Spa in NYC, one of the “body therapies” offered is something called a “Peach Smoothie.” This is a facial-like treatment for one’s vagina (a “vajacial,” if you will) that, for $55, is meant to soothe the bikini area and rid it of unwanted ingrown hair. Technically, I suppose this one would be more a of a service than an actual good, but, still–it’s extravagant, expensive, and ultimately useless. (Jenny Slate wrote a great essay about her experience getting one last year, if you really want to know what it’s like.)
5. Vagina-scented perfume:
Ever wanted to just, like, smell like a vagina? I can’t say that I relate, but, if that’s the case, you certainly can–all you need to do is invest in a perfume called, uh, “Vulva.” For about $90, you can get a small vial of oil that allows one to “enjoy the erotic scent of a vagina” and one pair of Vulva-branded panties.
(I’ll link to the product here, but be warned that the site is, uh, pretty NSFW.)
6. Perfume for your vagina:
More common than vagina-scented perfumes, however, are perfumes that are meant to cover up your vagina’s natural smell–like, for example, this “FemMist” that promises to kill “all odor” upon impact. It’s $24, which isn’t as much as some of the other stuff on this list, but it is a lot when you consider that putting anything up your vagina that claims to “clean” and “balance pH” is a bad idea. Your vagina can clean itself, so putting any kind of fragrance up there can mess up its chemistry, so, by buying this product, you are essentially spending money on your own vagina’s slow destruction.
7. Vaginal massages:
This sounds like a scam. But it’s real! And, for just $330, you too can receive a private “Yoni” massage (that word again! It means “scared space” in Sanskrit, which is totally fine if that is your language, but if you are from the West and you appropriate it, it sounds truly icky!) that supposedly helps relax you from the inside out. Which it probably does! But, at $330, that’s…a lot. (Plus, it reminds me of “hysteria” treatments in the Victorian era, in which women who were sick of being confined to the home were diagnosed with mental illness, so male physicians would give them “pelvic massages” to calm them down. That really happened!)
8. Special pH-balancing cleansers:
Lo Bosworth is…coming for Gwyneth Paltrow, I guess? The ex-reality star started a line of vaginal health products last year, called “Love Wellness,” and, while her intentions are probably pure enough (vaginal health is important!) the products, as far as I can tell, are expensive and ineffective. I like to think of the phrase “pH-balancing” as a red flag, since it indicates that the product is more or less a derivative of a douche, which is bad for you, and Love Wellness’ page is full of red flags. Take, for example, this $36 “pH-balancing” vaginal cleanser…
9. Vagina wipes:
And these $24 coconut oil-infused vagina wipes, which, um. Okay.
10. Boric acid vagina suppositories:
And, most damning of all, these $26 boric acid suppositories, called, ominously, “The Killer.” (It’s supposed to treat yeast infections.) Boric acid is sometimes used in suppository form to treat yeast infections, but you should pretty much only do that when your doctor tells you to, not when Lo Bosworth does, since otherwise it can cause skin irritation or a burning sensation in the vagina.
11. Vagina powder:
Here is something called a “Yoni Duster” (you know how I feel about that word) that, at $18 per two-ounce jar, is meant to protect one against yeast infections and “unwanted bacterial parties cropping up on your home turf.” I don’t know. I’m so tired.
12. Vagina balm:
And here is another vagina product from the same psychotic vagina witch doctor, called “Kooch Quench.” It’s $12. It’s mostly made of coconut oil. I’m still so tired.
13. Sex dust:
This “Sex Dust” is a $30, one and a half-ounce bottle of powder that, when you drink it, is meant to awaken one’s lustiest, most erotic feelings through the vagina. I have never tried this sex dust! People who have don’t really like it, though, so I wouldn’t.
14. Vaginal tightening gel:
For just $49.99, this totally effective, totally safe vaginal tightening gel from noted sexual health brand “Sensuals” can be all yours. Just kidding! Don’t buy it. This is some patriarchal BS (because, you know, a vagina is only worth being there if it is tight and virginal) wrapped up in vaguely okay packaging, that, when it comes down to it, will probably just burn off your vagina.
15. Vaginal tightening pills:
Um. One bottle of these (ineffective, I promise) pills costs $49.99, which is $1.67 per pill. It should be illegal to sell these on Amazon!
What do you think of these products? Would you ever actually get any of them? (Please don’t.) Let us know in the comments!