Today is February 14th. This, depending on what kind of person you are, could mean a great number of things. Perhaps, to you, this day is nothing more than a day in which Snapchat chooses to terrorize you, once again, with an animation of their anthropomorphized, hollow-eyed ghosts, dancing amongst exploding hearts to remind you that the end is nigh. Or maybe this day is just a day to commemorate famed women’s suffrage leader, Anna Howard Shaw. Or, possibly, this day, to you, is a day dedicated to courtly love, greeting cards, and commemorating the rather violent end of a Christian martyr–you know. Valentine’s Day.
You may choose to celebrate this day, as I have chosen to do, by watching and re-watching Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special over and over until someone at Netflix tells me to stop. But you might want to show a special person in your life, for whom you care deeply, one big, grand romantic gesture. That’s great! But there are a few things I would caution you against doing, however–not because they’re bad, necessarily (though a lot of them are) or corny (which they are), but rather because they just don’t make sense if you really think about them. So, check out these things that are supposed to be romantic but, once you think about it, don’t actually make any sense:
1. Comparing you and bae to Romeo and Juliet:
You know how this play ends, right? Even the Leonardo DiCaprio/Claire Danes version? LITERALLY EVERYONE DIES. EVEN THE PUN-LOVING COMIC RELIEF.
2. And Jay Gatsby and Daisy Buchanan from Great Gatsby:
You know how that ends too, don’t you? Not well.
3. And Cathy and Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights:
You know what? Let’s just not compare our actual, real-life relationships to ones you read about in AP Lit. They’re good stories! Just not good relationships, you know?
4. Laying rose petals on a bed:
A rose bouquet? Fine. Great. Laying actual rose petals? Pass. Other than the Instagram potential this gesture has–which, to be fair, is pretty great–this sounds like an allergy attack. And a super-annoying cleanup.
5. Filling a house with something that the person who lives there presumably loves (flowers, chocolate, etc.) to such a degree that they can’t do anything except take a picture of it:
If I can’t move because there are too many heart-shaped boxes of chocolate in my room, THAT’S TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE.
6. Driving a long-ass time just to show up on someone’s doorstep:
THIS IS WHY PHONES (AND THE INTERNET. AND TEXT MESSAGES. AND CARRIER PIGEONS) WERE INVENTED. Besides, do you think that Pheidippides, the man who accidentally invented the marathon because he had to run twenty-six miles to deliver a message in Ancient Greece and literally died because of it would be happy to hear that you are squandering these means of communication? No. Honor his legacy.
7. Especially if it’s a surprise:
8. Getting matching tattoos:
Look. I don’t want to cast a shadow of doubt over your relationship, but you really don’t need to inject ink into your skin to prove that your love is permanent–and, if you feel like you do, that’s a pretty good sign that you’re going to regret the tattoo later. Even if it’s that cute one with the avocados.
9. Good morning texts:
If you’re dating someone who expects a literal novel in text message-form at the crack of dawn, break up with them.
And, of course, if you are dating someone who thinks that sending you a literal novel in text message-form at the crack of dawn is a cute, nice thing to do, break up with them.
10. Getting proposed to in a very public place:
There is a specific kind of person who enjoys this kind of gesture, so if you are that kind of person, go for it. But most people, I think, would rather die than get proposed to on, like, a jumbotron at a Lakers game.
11. Hiding important gifts in food:
Like, say, a piece of expensive jewelry. I take big bites. That ring is 100000% going to be passing through my digestive system.
12. Kissing someone to make them stop talking:
13. Making out in the rain:
Sue me! I just think this would lead to a lot of chafing!
14. Using food when you have sex:
15. Interrupting someone at an important event (prom, their wedding, etc.) because they are your one true love and everyone needs to know it:
They’re at their prom with someone else for a reason. Just let them enjoy it. Is that too much to ask? You can tell them you
What do you think of these so-called romantic gestures? Are there any that I forgot? Let us know in the comments!