17 Valentine’s Day Products You Can Only Appreciate If You’re Going To Be Alone Forever

When I am old, and each branch of the United States government is led by Zendaya, the Sprouse twins, and whoever punches the most Nazis over the course of the next four years, I like to think that Valentine’s Day is not something that I will be thinking about a lot. I mean, Valentine’s Day is not something that I spend all that much time thinking about now–who has time for such things when the world appears to be folding in upon its very core?–but, with any luck, this fake holiday founded upon animal sacrifice will meet its end in our lifetime.

I will say, however, that the one thing I do like to think about in regard to Valentine’s Day are the things you can buy in relation to it. (What can I say? I’m a messy bitch who lives for materialistic desires that, when you take global warming into account, will likely kill us all!) My favorite type of Valentine’s specific products? The ones that bear a certain overall, uh, bitterness about the holiday. Or, at least, a Valentine’s-y vagueness to which bitterness might be assigned. So, check out these Valentine’s products that anyone can appreciate, probably, but will especially appeal to anyone who believes that they are truly going to be alone forever:

1. This…succinct card:

all-the-single-ladies

Buy this from Etsy for $4

 

2. Which can only be followed with this choker, obviously:

middle-finger-necklace

Buy this from Etsy for $14

 

3. This soothing, black-as-night bath bomb:
black-bath-bomb

Buy this from Etsy for $8.95

 

4. This trendily-colored hat that bears an important symbol:broken-heart-hat

Buy this from the Nylon Store for $24.95

 

5. Or, this equally important patch to put on your backpack/jacket/face/etc:broken-heart-patch

Buy this from The Unlovables for $9

 

6. This sexy heart tee:

broken-heart-tee

Buy this from Etsy for $15.99

 

7. This more optimistic sweatshirt:
cat-is-valentine

Buy this from Tees and Tank You for $19.99

 

8. A ring that has been enchanted to ward off “haters and trolls”–and, I assume, unwanted lovers:

yung-crowley-ring

Buy this from Shapeways for $160

 

9. These extra-glam glasses that make sure no one gets too close:

go-away-sunglasses

Buy these from the Nylon Store for $60

 

10. This emotionally-stirring ornament–I love this guy!! He’s amazing!hear-ornament

Buy this from Etsy for $20

 

11. This “heart ache” oil, if you’re into that kind of thing. (I don’t think you can eat it? But who knows!!)

heartache-oil

Buy this from Etsy for $15.25

 

12. This cheeky banner to display during Valentine’s week (or all the time??? You, world, oyster, etc.)

love-stinks

Buy this from Etsy for $23

 

13.  These heart-shaped erasers to help you erase all evidence of your past loves:

yoobie-heart-eraser

Buy these from Yoobi for $2.99

 

14. This crop tank that’s sweet, then sour:

nope-tank

Buy this from Tees And Tank You for $18

 

15. This, uh, cute phone case:poison-phone-case

Buy this from Valfre for $38

 

16. This anatomically-correct heart necklace to remind all the posers what they’re really giving away this Valentine’s Day:

anatomical-heart

Buy this from VincaUSA for $28

 

17. And, finally, this badass jacket that says everything that needs to be said:property-of-no-one

Buy this from High Heels Suicide for $125
What do you think of these items? Do you think you’re going to get any of them? Let us know in the comments!

You can reach the author, Sara Hendricks, on Twitter and Instagram.

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