What It Actually Means If Your First Time Having Sex Is Really Bad

Hi Heather,

My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months, and today we finally decided to have sex and take our relationship to a new level. We were both virgins so it was our first time. The thing is, it didn’t happen how I expected it to happen. First of all, it was painful. Second, he was using a condom, and I felt like it wasn’t really satisfying for him. He finished quickly and I didn’t even reach orgasm. Now I’m feeling really insecure about myself. Am I not tight enough? I just have very low self-esteem right now. Another thing is that I’m not sexy. What if he had higher expectations about me? What if he thought losing his virginity would be like it is in the pornos? I told him my fears and he said I was just fine. But even if I trust him, I still feel insecure and awkward. What does this all mean? Will sex ever get better? How can I make it better? Help!


Let me tell you something that people don’t always talk about: the first time you have sex is almost never going to be great or magical. Sure, there are some people out there who had a good experience losing their virginity, but there are many, many more people who did not. Having sex for the first time is awkward, confusing, sometimes uncomfortable, and frustrating. This is especially true for women. It doesn’t take a lot to make a guy feel good enough to have an orgasm, but for women, it can be a little tougher. Most young women don’t orgasm or feel a lot of pleasure their first time – it can take years of practice to get it right!

The painful part makes sense too. Having sex for the first time can be painful for many – it’s a different sensation and it’s normal for it to hurt. As for your guy not enjoying it? If he orgasmed, it sounds like it felt good for him! Using a condom definitely should not have made it not feel good. If he feels like it was an issue, maybe you guys should try a different kind – there are lots of condoms out there that have different effects. Not using one is not a smart option. Dudes use condoms and still feel great during sex every single day, so don’t worry about that.

The fact that your boyfriend finished quickly shouldn’t stress you out either. Most dudes finish quickly during their first time, and it’s not a bad thing! It means he felt so good he couldn’t control himself or he just didn’t really know what he was doing because it was his first time – or both. Either way, an orgasm means it felt good for him, so don’t think it didn’t!

Unfortunately, the insecurity you’re feeling is also fairly normal. A lot of girls feel that way during their first time and during any kind of hookup situation. Still, it’s definitely something you need to work on. Feeling that insecure and unsure of yourself is going to make sex more difficult and less enjoyable for you. If you’re spending the whole time questioning how sexy you are or if he feels good or if you’re tight enough, you aren’t going to be able to enjoy anything! So, what can you do? Here are some suggestions:

  1. Keep practicing. The best way to make sex better is to keep doing it until you find what works. In this sense, practice literally makes perfect. Don’t let your bland first time stop you from doing it gain.
  2. Add some foreplay if you didn’t already. Foreplay is really important for good sex, especially for women. Before you go all the way, try playing around with kissing, handjobs and fingering, and maybe some oral sex. It gets you both ready for sex and can make things last longer, as well as deliver better orgasms.
  3. Make yourself feel comfortable. You clearly feel insecure and uncomfortable right now because you’re focused on your own insecurities. Do what you can to make things better for you. Maybe that means wearing something that makes you feel sexy, or trying a different position, or taking things slower. You have to figure this one out!
  4. Be patient. Like I said before, it can take a while before sex gets really good. Don’t let that discourage you. Sex should be fun, and not a formula to figure out. Try to relax and don’t go into it with crazy high expectations, and things will get better.

So, what does it mean if your first time having sex was really bad? Nothing – I swear. Everything will get better! Just give yourself some time.

Good luck!

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com 


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